Intoxicated Love

Well T is back from Switzerland and I was so excited to pick him up from the airport. He gave me a few gifts, including a Switzerland bell heart for my keys so I wouldn't lose them. But lately when we drink and he gets too drunk, he says those three small words "I love you." But it's only when he drinks does he say it. I've been telling myself just ignore it, it means nothing, but then people are trying to tell me when you're drunk some of the things you can't say sober come out. But that doesn't mean he means it. 

With T saying things he doesn't mean, my emotions have been going all over the place. I'm quiet around him and I can't think straight. It's annoying. I need to work on my communication skills because if I don't I only see myself going crazy. I wish that talking to him, or any guys, was easier; but since J men have been a lot more complicating. 

I sometimes wonder if everything I do for a guy will ever be enough. I feel like T just doesn't appreciate all that I do for him. And it sucks cause I'm working my ass off to make something happen that probably never gunna happen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my happiness has been gone lately. 

Summer is just around the corner though. So hopefully the summertime can bring me back to my chipper self and remind me that life's a beach... not a bitch. I have a feeling I'm gunna be doing a lot of changes during the summer and hopefully those changes will help me figure out where mine and T relationship should go and whether or not I'm even ready for a relationship. 

Well I picked two songs today, the first one is "Love Drunk" by Boys like Girls and the second one is "Unappreciated" by Cherrish. 

Love Drunk:
I chose this song because of T's accidently slip of three words that should mean a lot but don't mean shit when he can only say them while intoxicated. And it's always awkward when he's drunk and I'm as sober as a nun. Lyrics of the part that stick out to me: (All the time I wasted on you, All the bullshit you put me through, Checking into rehab cause everything that we had, Didn't mean a thing to you)

Unappreciated:

I chose this song because of the lack of appreciation I feel from T and well a lot of guys I've been with. Granted I know I didn't appreciate some of the great guys I've dated (back in high school) but I've learned since. I used to love this song in high school, it's kind of a throwback for me. I feel like T and I had a very quick honeymoon stage cause I feel like there's not much of a spark on his side anymore. This may be TMI for some but it seems like he's not even wanting to have intercourse anymore... just wants me to get him off and leave me all hot and heavy. (sorry mom... and other possible family members)

So Lonely

T is in Switzerland and I've been so bored. I'm taking care of his brother's cat while they are away and I feel like a crazy cat lady. It's been weird not hanging out with him every day but I guess its good that we are getting some time apart. We've been talking every day so it's not like I don't get to communicate with him. I've been thinking a lot about venturing off to other guys while he is gone, but I just haven't really taken the chances that have come up. I don't want to be that easy girl anymore. I used to cheat on my boyfriends and even though me and T aren't together I know that if I found out he was messing around with other girls I wouldn't be happy. 

On top of T being gone, J's birthday is tomorrow; his second birthday in prison. I miss how easy things were with J. My therapist keeps trying to encourage me to confront T with some things that bother me, but it's hard for me to confront T. With J everything was so natural like we could read each others minds and feelings (granted we had to be sober for that kind of communication); but with T it's only me reading his mind and him being clueless. I don't know if it's because I'm putting too much into our relationship or if he's just not very good at learning people. 

I came to realize that when J and I got together I was in such a great place before and that's why our relationship was growing so fast (or at least that's my theory). But now with T I'm not in a great place in my life, so things seem to be a bit more confusing. 

For todays post I chose "Doing Too Much" by Paula Deanda because I feel like I've been doing too much for T and getting a lot less back. I'm always wondering if he's really into me or if what he's saying is true. I feel like I'm chasing a fantasy. 

I Just Don't Know

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I finally admit it. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my life and I hate it. Things with T and I are so back and forth, good and bad. I guess that's the way it is with every relationship no matter what kind it is; but it's been very bipolar lately. I don't know if I did something wrong or something to turn him away but it sure feels that way. Some days its like he can't keep his hands off and other days its like he can't stand being within two feet from me. And lately its been more of the latter; even though I've been trying to do tons of things for him. It seems like I've found yet another guy that I can never make fully happy. 

With T acting that way and distancing himself has made my decision of moving on to other guys easier than I thought. I still have actually done anything but talk with other guys but sooner or later I think T is just gunna be strictly a friend. I have feelings for him, but I don't think there are reciprocated. I'm tired of being the girl who does too much for a guy who does too little. I don't want to be underappreciated anymore. I used to be a crazy girlfriend and very controlling but since then (high school) I've changed into a woman but can't seem to find a real MAN. 

I miss the way things were with J. I knew he loved me and cared because he showed it. I'm sure you're thinking "how? he almost killed you" but like I've said many times in this blog J was a great man with a bad habit. If he wasn't an addict J and I would probably still be  together happy planning our futures together. It's hard to realize what happened has happened and neither of us can take it back no matter how badly we want. 

Well I chosed "Do I" by Luke Bryan because it's exactly what I've been thinking about. Do I make T happy? Do I still love J? Does he still love me? Do I need to move on? Do I hold onto J or T? I've been confused before but this feels like I'm drowning and lately no one has been there to throw me a lifesaver... but then again I've been pushing everyone away in attempts to get T attached to me. Clearly, a big mistake since I've been pushing the people who love me away for a guy who won't even pay attention to me.

UGH

I hate that I miss him, I hate that I still think of him and I hate that he still has a part of my heart. It's wrong to love or care for someone who did what he did to me. It's so hard to deal with this; at times I find myself wanting to just walk away. Just pack up my bags and leave everything here behind. But no matter how much I would run, my memories would follow me everywhere. It's hard to escape when the place you want to escape from is your own mind.

It's like no matter what I do and how much I try to move on from J something is still pulling me back and not letting me let go. I finally have some anger built up towards J, yet a part of my stupid heart holds onto him. It doesn't help when I see pictures of him on his sister's Facebook from visiting him. Maybe its a bit of jealousy that I feel or just I don't know. It's hard to move on from someone who I thought was the one. I fought so hard to hold onto him and I still don't know if he's holding on to me still.

On another note, I've been rethinking things over with T. I don't feel happy when I'm around him anymore. Part of it is cause I feel like I'm second when it comes to his Facebook. I know he talks and flirts with other girls, but really does he have to do it when I'm sitting right there? I mean TALK TO ME!!! Maybe that's my inner woman just wanting attention, and perhaps a bit of jealousy. But I'm trying to cope with my jealousy cause I don't want to get hurt so I want to start detaching myself from him, which seems to be harder than I thought. Maybe secretly I like the challenge? I don't know... all I know is it's causing me stress and I don't want stress in my life.

I chose "Like We Used To" by A Rocket to the Moon, because I do take T to places me and J went and I can't help but think back to those times. It's hard to let go of someone you fought for so long even when so many told me to let go. Maybe with time letting go won't seem so hard. They say time heals everything but sometimes I'm just too impatient.

Not So Special

So I have been comparing J and T, which I think is natural but I don't know. Anyways I still miss J sometimes because of how special he made me feel. I always felt like I was the only girl he ever wanted to be with; but with T it's different I feel insecure a bit (but I also have to keep in mind T and I are not in a committed relationship). 

I find myself wanting to part ways with T on some days, and maybe I should. I just feel like I'm getting attached to the kind of guy that's going to just break my heart. But then again what guy isn't going to? My therapist likes to refer to me as Codependent and I guess I can see it in my relationships. I drop everything and anything to do something for the guy I'm with/I like. I'm constantly looking for a way to help them to show them I care. And I build up this thought in my mind that they truly care for me as much as I do for them. Maybe I still need to grow as an individual more to be able to separate myself from my partners in life.

I chose "Only Girl In the World" by Rihanna for today's post and I think it's clear why. Even though I went through a scary and terrible experience with J; he's still one of the only guys who really made me feel special. I can be one crazy overprotective girlfriend and jealousy is a huge thing of mine but with J those insecurities rarely occurred. 

Slacking

Clearly I haven't been posting lately, I've been spending a lot of time with T, almost every day. It's been routine lately. I feel like I use him to escape from my house. Things between my dad and I have always been rough but lately its like we can't even talk without getting into an argument. I admit it has to do with my attitude towards him and I don't agree with some things he does. I hope with time and age I can develop better way to communicate with him.

Things between T and I are well I'm not sure I guess we are still just friends but we have become closer and we do couple things together. He still introduces me as a friend and I tell people he's just a friend but my emotions are telling me otherwise. I didn't want to make things with T serious and I'm still not sure if I will but its more of a possibility now.

J is still in my heart but not nearly as much. I recently found pictures of what I looked like after the whole thing with J and it's scary to see that girl in the picture. I cry when I see that girl in the picture, because I know what she was thinking then. I loved J there's no doubt about that but I'm not sure he loved me. How could someone in love do such a thing to the one they love?

I chose to put the song "The Art of Being Pulled Apart" by Jellyfish Brigade because my heart has been pulled apart many times and I've pieced it together just to have it pulled apart again. But every break, every scar, and every bad memory holds a lesson. I've become someone I can say I'm truly proud to be. I love even when its seems like the whole world is against me. 

I also wanted to share my other blog I started with some of my photography. If you're interested check it out here.

A week

It's been a week since I've had a cigarette. I've been wanting to quit for a while and I've made numerous attempts before, but failed. It's been a long hard week, but it's all mind over matter. Addiction is all a mind game, and I can beat it. 

On another note, I went down to Southern California last weekend for my cousin's baby's first birthday. It was a blast to say the least. The long 8 hour drive was well worth holding that cute baby boy. 

Been taking more pictures lately, getting into photography and capturing the right moment. It's fun to use my creative side and see that people enjoy it as much as I do. T has been helping a bit with understanding my camera and getting the right angles. Some people are getting the wrong impression with T and I though. We are still only friends, and it will probably stay that way. I don't know it's weird we act like we're together but we're both attached to someone who we can't have. Things between T and I have actually become awkward a bit. I don't know what it is, maybe it's because we've been spending so much time together.

With things being awkward with T and I, my thoughts of J are starting to come back. It was nice to have a moment to somewhat forget what happened. I feel like a part of me is always going to hold onto J. 

I picked "Lips of An Angel" by Hinder for today's post because I would love to hear J's voice again. I just want to hear him say my name and tell me that everything will be okay (even though I'm not sure things ever will be okay again). I sometimes lay in T(new guy) and I find myself thinking of J(ex bf), I often fall asleep there thinking it's J wrapping his arms around me.