I still can't forget

Recently my every day life has gotten "hard." I've had a huge lack of motivation and been kinda down in the dumps but I've been happy. I don't know this whole process is tiring and I just don't know what emotions I'm going though. I miss J so much and its been getting worse and worse with December coming soon. 

I've been writing letters to J but not sending them. Just writing what I feel and what I want to tell him. I bought some of his old cologne and sprayed it on my bed sheets. I'm still weak towards him but I've built strength in myself that I know is there. I've been drowning in memories lately, more than ever before and it's been hard. I've had good and bad memories, flashbacks from that day and from when there was no worry in sight. 

I have regrets of December. J's mother asked me before December if J and I had been using. Stupidly I lied to her. This is my deepest regret I have. If I had told her the truth none of this would have happened. J would be a free and SOBER man, I would have been happy with him, and my family wouldn't be so worried about me. 

Talking to my mom about things has gotten a little bit easier but I fear that my father will never bend. It's not like I'm going to take J back or anything but I feel like he will be part of my life and I don't know how my father will feel about that. I've never had great communication skills when it comes to my parents. Hell I even talked to J's parents about things before I talked to mine. 

I've been wanting to write J's mom a letter. Apologizing for lying to her and not taking the hand she was trying to give me. I didn't see how much trouble I was in until it was too late. I also want to thank her, even though I'm not sure she wants to hear that. But in reality she gave me my life back. 

So I chose to put "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers for this post because I don't why really but it makes me think of J. I really enjoy this song though I'm not sure why its pretty different from my usual music but it's still a good one.

pretending

So Thankful This Thanksgiving

There is so much that I'm thankful for this year. Thanksgiving hasn't really been that important to me previous years, but it was a great time with the family and friends I had. This year its got a whole new meaning to me. I'm so thankful to be living and before last December I really didn't care to live. I'm thankful that J was in my life even if December happened, he taught me a lot and I learned a lot about myself through everything that happened. I've grown stronger because of everything. I'm thankful for his family who accepted me in their family and especially his mom and sister who helped me in a time in need, even though it meant going against J. I'm thankful for my family and all the second chances and support that they have given to me. I'm thankful for all the friends who have been in my life, you guys really helped me through a lot of times and I glad to have such greats friends. I'm thankful for my two best friends, Riley and Cody, my dogs, for even though they can't talk they are great listeners and bring great joy to me. And last but not least, this year I'm thankful for me. I'm thankful for the person I've become, I'm thankful that I still have hopes and dreams, and I'm thankful that I still have some motivation in me to reach those dreams of mine. 

Although I've been a bit down in the dumps lately, Thanksgiving has put a little spark in me. Yet there is no denying that J is on my mind. I remember going over to J's house last year for dessert for Thanksgiving night. I remember how he held me and whispered what he was grateful for. I miss J and the memories that I have as so vivid that it doesn't help. I feel like everyone is getting tired of me talking about J but I can't help it; I speak what's on my mind and he's on it. I've been accidentally calling one of my guy friends by J's name when really he's and P-name. It's almost been a year and I still feel the same way about J, but I know what I have to do now and I know that for my sake I can't use ever again. 

So today's song is "Be Yourself" by Audioslave, aside from the emotional shit I go through at this time of year, fall/winter is my favorite part of the year. I love the way the leaves change colors and cover the streets, I love the sunny days after a rainy day and the way the water makes everything glitter and glisten in the sun. So with that being said this is my favorite time of year for some cruising on the back roads just enjoy the scenery and listening to music. This song is one of my favorite cruising songs makes me feel at ease and peaceful.

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and I encourage you to reach out to those who have helped you in any ways and tell them that you are grateful for their help and their friendship. Tell the people you love how much you care. But most importantly don't forget to be thankful for yourself, be thankful for what you have been through and how far you've gone, be thankful that you have people who love and care about you, and be thankful that people are grateful for you, because I'm thankful for all of my readers. I love that I can share my stories even though I'm just a common person and people actually take the time to read my posts. So thank you.

Who to turn to?

I've been tested throughout this year and I don't know how I've done on making decisions. I wish I had someone I could turn to for answers but this is a matter I need to handle myself. Its hard though cause my decision has an effect on so many people when it comes to J and I. I've been trying to just let time answer all my questions but it's not. I've been hoping I would find someone to help me forget about J but no one can compare. I was a queen when I was with J. When he was sober he cooked me breakfast, lunch, and dinner all the time, he provided for me when he could, he cared for me when I was upset, he heeled me when I was in pain(not because of him... I play sports), and he would just listen to me when that was all I needed. 

J was my best friend, my rock, and I loved him. But now after everything what do I do? I want to hold on the the sober J I want him to see that when he is sober is when things workout. We never fought in our relationship unless we were using. We were chasing dreams and I guess his dreams got a bit off track. If J was to be on track and plan on staying on track I would consider being in his life (not necessarily a romantic relationship but at least a friendship) but I can't have what happened last year ever happen again. I will be strong enough to tell him that if I need to. But until he is out and has at least a year and a half outside of prison, I will just have to live my life. I don't want to deal with something that I don't have to until many years later. 

So I was gunna put "I Turned to You" by Christina Aguilera but I don't really have that person to turn to... so the song for this post is "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" by Brantley Gilbert. This song has been a favorite of mine for a LONG TIME. No one really knows mine and J's relationship the way we do and no one in my family or friends knows J the way I know him. People always try to tell me I'll stop hurting and I'll move on but I just don't see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to find a guy that treats me like J and makes me feel the way J made me feel. 

Finding My Way

I had a meeting with the school counselor and I've finally decided what my goal in school is and it feels amazing. I just have to stay focused and motivated. Although it wasn't the way I thought I had to take it's a route that seems right for me. I'm planning on going into the Dental Assisting program and AA in Spanish then hopefully finding a job after I'm done with that and save up and go out into the world alone and then if I still have that desire to be a nurse go back to school. I have a long time in my life to come and it's finally clear after talking to MANY people I've learned your career can change as many time you want. 

So with all that I haven't put much thought to J lately. School has been a great distraction from everything that is still going on behind the curtains. I think the best thing is to just put it aside for now and just focus on me and let all my emotions settle down. I don't know what is ahead for me, my future is so bright that I can't even tell its dark right now. I miss J and I still love him but I need to love me. I need to find me. I was willing to go against my morals to please J and in the end it fucked me over. I've learned my lesson and I'm listening to myself and controlling my own life. 

I need to start be healthier and grabbing onto the dreams I have and make them come true because in the end that's the only way they will happen. If I make them happen they will, no one else is going to give me a dream. So I'll get it myself. I need to be an independent woman before I can love again. I need to be a stronger person. And I'm so thankful that it's been working so well for me. 

But despite of all this new light to my life my memories of J are still on repeat  in my mind. But they motivate me. They tell me that, that kind of love is worth waiting for. Meaning if another person comes along who can make me feel the way I did with J, I want to be ready to be ME and be in a relationship. If that guy comes along and it's not J I'm not going to let it go by because of J. They have big shoes to fill but I don't know who is out there. I don't know who I might meet tomorrow, next week, month, year. I'm just going with the flow for once and it's very stress free. I can look like crap when I want and I don't give a fuck. 

So this post's song is "Who You Are" by Jessie J (but Jillian Jensen's version for my spaghetti). Because I've found me and I've got answers to the questions I've been to afraid to ask for. The wind is under my wings and I'm just taking it for a ride. Not sure what's ahead but I'm going into with a new view. 

Have you ever?

I've been sick for the past few days, which means no school for me, and a lot of thinking. I've been having a lot of dreams about J lately. Not very surprising considering the fact I end every night reading the words he wrote to me. I've been slumping into a rut, I've become more and more depressed everyday...

I can't let things like that get to me. I can't lose sight of my goals and dreams I've made after December. I got my midterm grades this weekend and I'm so proud of myself, but I seem to be the only person who is...

I've been spending my days of sickness on the couch watching countless romance movies. They kinda give me hope that everything will work out eventually. Although none seem to be nearly as complicating as mine and J's "love story" they give me hope that the answers will eventually come to me. 

The best thing I can do now is wait. I can't rush into any decisions or conclusions. Time. That's all I need. Time to figure everything out. Time to tell people what I think. Time to just be me.

I've lost myself lately. Maybe it's the winter or maybe its my own lack of motivation. I haven't been to gym in about a month, and I'm starting to feel the pounds adding back on. But I've lost my drive, my spark. I need to gain that light back in my soul before I try to make any moves in any direction. 

I need to start standing up for myself because if I don't, who will? I was told that I was in a co-dependent relationship with J, and although that might be what the outside eye sees, our love was magical. Not one person could question our love. 

I put passion in front of common sense. I fell for J hard. If I used my common sense I would have seen the drug addict that everyone else seems to see in him. But I don't. I see a man with a bad habit. HORRIBLE habit. I feel like I give too many second chances to people. I believe every person is a good person. I know its crazy with all the felons and serial killers in the world, but I see the silver lining in the darkest people. Maybe its a curse or maybe its a gift. 

Anyways for this post the song is "Have You Ever?" by Brandy. I've had plenty of heart breaks in my time and I've cried countless times because of a guy, but the tears that fall for J are different from the others. The tears that fall for J are every drop of hope I have that one day we will be brought together again. So yes Brandy, I have loved someone so much that I cry.

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to all of you readers who have read my blog and everything. It means a lot to me that people are reading this and I'm not just putting up useless posts. These posts help me and maybe they even help you.  I never thought that I would have so many people reading my blog when I first started. And it really touches my heart that people like you are out there reading this. So pat yourself on the back, go treat yourself to ice cream, or do something to treat yourself because you give me hope. Thank you for the support and please keep reading my blog and maybe even leave your thoughts in a comment.  

Building Walls

So after talking things over with a friend I've come to a realization that I need to build a wall around my heart to keep J out. Not to give up on him but to make it so that when or if I hear from him or about him I don't lose myself. I've been in a rut ever since I've heard word about J and things with me and him in his view. It's unhealthy that just a few words can throw me off. I need to keep the focus on me and not forget my goals and my life. I care about J but I can't put him in front of my own needs. 

I feel completely wrapped into J and that's not healthy, but it's just how strongly I feel for him. I need to not lose the love that I have for him but not let things get to me so easily. I've found myself more and more sensitive, yet still not voicing my feelings to those who have hurt them. I don't want to cause any drama for myself so when my feelings get hurt I try to just brush it off, but lately I feel like one more thing is just gunna break the camel's back. 

With the holidays just around the corner I find myself not really in the holiday spirit. I'm trying not to let last years holiday season ruin this years holiday season. And on top of the memories I have of last year, I still don't have a job. I don't want to be that one person who people didn't get gifts from because I'm a fuck up. My confidence has been like a seesaw lately, up one day down the next. My sanity has been out the window for a long time but I feel like more and more of it is going out there too. Soon enough I'll be pulling my hair out.

So one of my friends played this song for me after the whole thing with J's sister and her friends. And now with everything else happening and the tearing and ripping that people are doing to me; I find this song appropriate. People can talk all they want and I'm gunna just brush it off, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.