Some Answers

I spent no time diving into my research about restraining orders and what not to find out whether or not there was one placed on J. And after calling lawyers and talking with a few of them I found the one paper that explains everything. And although I'm not completely happy that there is a "Criminal Protective Order" on J saying he can't have contact with me for three years; I'm surprisingly content with this. After getting into the research and everything it made me think, do I really want J back in my life? 

I'm finally at a good place and yes I've been giving J most of the credit but in reality it is me who has grown. I need to be a bit less modest when it comes to where I am today versus then. 

Three years doesn't seem that long... I mean technically it's only two years now and I mean of course I miss hearing his voice but that would only make me more vulnerable. I can't, no I won't be that vulnerable girl anymore. This is where I'm putting my foot down and grabbing the wheel to take control of MY life. 

But I want closure. My heart needs closure. It's been deprived of closure ever since I started dating. But I can't depend on a guy to bring or give me happiness. I need to find it in myself before I find it in someone else. And I'm so close to that happiness but J is still holding me back; as much as I wish he didn't, he does. 

I picked a song that probably isn't well known, I heard it on a TV show and it got stuck in my head. I picked "How'd My Heart Get Caught" by Jason Bajada, it kinda describes how I feel about J. I love him but it hurts so much cause it's hard to love him. Sometimes I find myself questioning is it all worth it? It's hard to remember all the good times we had together when I'm constantly only reminded of the bad. 

Bittersweet Christmas

I've been a bit short fused lately, especially towards my father, I'm not sure why exactly but I'm blaming Christmas/Winter. It's been hard to get my research  done with my family home and always bothering me, I'm not sure what my dad would say if he knew what I was looking up and what I was trying to do. But with what little research I had done I found out that J was transferred to a closer prison which is great for him since his friends and family (and maybe me one day) can visit him. I started e-mailing some people in the court offices to see if they could direct me to the right place to ask questions, and I found a bunch of numbers that I can call too. But with today being Christmas my investigation is at a pause. 

I want/hope to be able to visit or at least write to J by next year. But I got to remember I'm no one special, if the law states I can't then I can't. But I'm hoping it says I can. 

Today has been a bittersweet day. I used to love Christmas and the excitement of it used to keep me up all night on Christmas Eve, but this year has been nothing really that special. I got a bunch of great new stuff and I'm ever so grateful for it but the holiday season won't be the same without J. Even though we never had a Christmas together I remember being soooo excited to give him his gift that even on the 17th when everything happened I wanted him to open his gift before he was arrested, but he never did and I ended up keeping the present (which I used everyday). 

During the holiday season people want to be around those they love, and yes I'm surrounded by people I love and who love me, but I'm still missing that one person, J. It sucks that I don't know if I can see him or have contact with him. I wanted to find out all this stuff earlier when he first got arrested but everything told me to wait... but my heart has held on for too long for me to just ignore it. 

For today's post I chose "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw, it's about being there for someone no matter what and helping them get through whatever. I think that if me and J make it through this then there's nothing that could tear us apart. I believe in us and I think we can make it and I hope he believes in us too; and as for everyone else I really don't care if they believe in us. Yes, of course, I want the support from my family and friends with our relationship but I can't force them to. Without their support it will be hard, but I truly believe that me and J really only need the support of each other to make this relationship/friendship work... 

Educating Myself

Lately I've been trying to educate myself about addictions and addicts. I figured I should look into these things before I decide whether or not I want J back in my life because he'll be an addict his whole life but hopefully not one that uses. I've been looking into what people who live with addicts have to go through and look out for. I've been trying to learn everything I need to so I can make the best decision but I'm not sure if I can compare J to the stories and facts I've been learning. It's been a interesting search so far.

On top of that I've been wanting to do some more research on the legal manor of the case's outcome. I don't officially know if there is a restraining order between me and J and I want to find out, one, if there is a restraining order, two, if there is, is there a way to have it lifted, and three, how and when can I visit him. I'm not sure what people will say but I want to go into some of the offices that I had to go to during the court process and seeing if I can talk to someone who would know more about the legal outcomes. 

I just want to talk to J and just find out if he is serious about being sober and what his plans will be after he's released. I mean I know it's a few more years until he will be released but I need to prepare myself. 

Although I've been looking into all these things I'm still not sure if my future has a place for J. As much as I still love him I don't know if I would be strong enough to help him recover from his addiction. I want to help him but I just don't know how strong I can be and how I will feel around J if I see him. 

On another note, J's ex girlfriend before me, who I'll refer to as CB, was a high school friend of mine but after she heard about me and J hooking up in 2010 she started her hatred for me. According to her, she and J never broke up when I hooked up with him even though he told me they weren't together, and on top of that she cheated on him with everything with a pee pee. And when she confronted me about it I was trying to be civil about it but there's nothing civil about her. I fear my life because of her more than J. And I kinda blame J's addiction on her, even though I don't know if it was her who introduced him I know they were doing it together when they were together. 

Anyways, I've been trying to ignore my fear of seeing J's ex even though I thought I did the other day. But I will be the bigger person even if she doesn't know how to be. For this post I decided to pick two songs "Blind to You" by Collie Buddz, I love Collie Buddz and this song is just amazing and I really like the meaning and everything. The second song is "Same Love" by Mackelmore I LOVE this song. It's beautiful, sound and meaning. 

Blind to you- Collie Buddz

Same Love- Mackelmore

Birthday Craze

I had an amazing birthday, although I did feel like something was missing. I'm not sure if it was J or just a guy in general. I miss the relationship. I'm starting to think that the reason why I"m still "hung up" on J because he literally opened my heart. Before J I was in and out of short, meaningless "relationships" but when I met J I knew it was going to be more. He opened my heart and showed me how to love. I was afraid of falling in love and thought I would never find someone after my last high school sweetheart, M. M and I dated for a year and the break up was out of no where for me and the lack of closure made it so much harder to get over him. I started going through guys like my outfits. I couldn't emotionally connect to anyone until J came along in 2010 and it was an immediate connection and that connection became deeper in 2011. 

J opened my heart to love, enough for me to find the love I had for myself. He showed me the beauty in everything and everyone. He made me a kinder person and someone who cares for others. 

On another note J's sister reached out to me to say happy birthday from their family and although it's quiet awkward to see them around I really do appreciate that they still think of me. Maybe one day I will be able to say thank you to his family and sorry, but I'm not even sure if they want to hear it.  

I picked "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson for this post because I've always just held my breath and allowed people to use me and after last year I've developed into a stronger person. I've grown so much and I'm actually really proud of myself.  I've found beauty and love within myself and it feels amazing to be my own self and be happy; for once I don't need someone else to give me my happiness and my beauty. I might not be beautiful to everyone but I'm beautiful to me, and right now I'm the one I need to impress. I hope that one day I will find a guy who can appreciate the woman I'm developing into, but for now he will have to wait.

A year...

So I thought today was gunna be a really hard day for me since it has been exactly a year since J's arrest. It's weird some days it feels like it happened years ago and on other days it's like it happened last week. It was hard today  especially when I looked at the clock. I couldn't help but look and try to think where were we at this time a year ago? 

I wish I could hear J's voice, if I could have one wish that would be it. I can't lie to myself I'm still in love with him and I'm starting to think that there really is no one out there like him. It's annoying how growing up we're told there's one person who is meant for us and blah blah blah but then when you start dating and you get dumped and you can't move on people all of a sudden change their minds and say there is someone else out there. 

Anyways gunna keep this post short... I picked "Motivation" by Kelly Rowland because it was one of mine n J's songs. And after everything happened I've found a different (nonsexual) way that I want to be a motivation for J and be there for him through his recovery if he chooses to be sober. (my fingers are crossed that he has been sober in jail/prison and plans on staying sober when he is released)

Out growing

So I like to think that my horoscope sign actually means something so I read my horoscope every day and today it seemed spot on so I thought I would share it with you. "In the past year you have grown tremendously. You have gained a deeper insight into the world around you, and you have built a strong foundation for future goals. The trouble it that you fear you may have also outgrown a certain relationship - either a friendship or romance. You may feel that this person's views are outdated, or that his or her goals are no longer in sync with your own. But you needn't be harnessed together like a pair of driving horses to share a strong bond. Embrace your differences, and you can still enjoy a fabulous relationship."

The first person that came to mind after reading this was J of course. I mean I've been focusing on my life and I finally know what the future holds, or what I want it to hold. BUT I'm not sure if J will be in that picture once it's printed. My dreams and hope provide me with this illustration of J getting released and showing everyone the real J that I saw. But I need to also be able to accept the other option of not having J in my life after everything settles down. 

Well even though this is a short post I chose to pick "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer because of the dreams I've been having and cause it just happened to be playing on pandora when I was writing this post and it seemed like a good song to relate myself to right now.

Dreams Haunting Me

I keep having this one dream every night for the past week. It starts out with J coming over to my house and telling me that the judge released him and he wanted to show me the real him. He took me out and we had a blast. I got to see the real J and even the tattoo he apparently got on his back. He looked amazing different but amazing because it was different. I love J but I know things would have to be different if he was ever going to be in my life again. 

This dream has me missing J often during the day. I've been thinking about the dream and secretly hoping to myself that it will be one of those deja vu moments in my life one day. I do want to be part of J's life and I want him to be part of mine, but I'm just not sure if the people in our lives will let that happen again. I don't know how his family feels about me and I don't know how my dad would react to me wanting J in my life. I remember my dad taking a picture of me the night everything happened and he told me "I'm taking this to show it to you when you come to me and saying that you want that bastard back in your life" (or something along those lines.) I can understand my father's hostility towards J but I wish he would just see that it hurts me when he says things like that. 

My father has been completely closed-minded about J after December happened (just like a lot of the people I've talked to) but they just don't know J. I know that I've been a broke record about this but J wasn't an animal it was the drugs that caused this. I wish that I could have just told J's mom the truth. I feel like I'm responsible for this more than J cause I still had a clear head and the drugs didn't blur my thoughts. But I was confused on what to do since J didn't want his family to know about him using again and I didn't want to get in between them. But if I told his mom what we were doing she probably could have helped me. She told me that I couldn't handle J if he was using and she was right. I wish I had listened to her. 

So I picked yet another Kenny Chesney song for this post. I chose "Come Over" this song has been on my playlists for a long time alone with many other Kenny Chesney songs it makes me think of J. I try to forget about him but somehow he's always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart. 

Weekend of Hoping

My grandma has been in and out of the hospital for the past week and I went to go see her over this weekend and man was it hard. I was fighting tears all day on Saturday when we first arrived at the hospital. My grandma wasn't doing good, and I don't really like hospitals after December. (Even though I hope to become a nurse one day) I had flash backs of the hospital that night and I remember only thinking "I can wake up now and then tell J all about my horrible dream." Well I'm still waiting to wake up. 

I didn't want to leave my grandma but I had to because of school. Luckily she was doing a lot better on Sunday. She was looking like herself and talking sense. I'm scared that she'll pass around my birthday and that will just be another reason for me to hate December. My grandma will be the first person whom I'm REALLY close to that will pass away. And this might sound selfish but I'm scared to see what the outcome will be... how I will handle it. I mean I was nearly losing it in the hospital when she was still alive.

I've been able to talk to my mom about J a bit more and it's nice to talk about him with her. I feel like my family didn't get to know J and its my fault that they didn't. 

With my grandma in the hospital and the cold weather I've been missing J more, well maybe it's more like the male companionship that I miss. J was always there for me and unlike so many men in my life he actually listened. He was a bit of a mama's boy which I think is a great thing because he's a great person to talk to and gives advice and he always tried to help me with whatever struggles I had. It was nice to have someone try to fight my fight for me. 

I've been thinking about actually trying to send a letter to him or telling our friend something to J for me. I just want him to get better and recover from his addiction. I hope that he will continue his sober life when he is released. I can't believe it's almost been a year, and even more so I can't believe that I still feel so much for J; I've never been the kind of girl to be "hung up" on a guy but I just can't seem to shake him off my mind. 

I picked "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney for this post because of my grandma's health and I've been regretting that I didn't go down to see her enough. I've learned that you really don't know when your time will come. I've realized how fast time has gone by and the little kids next door aren't little kids anymore. Time goes by so fast even if I think it seem soooo long, change happens and you see how fast time goes by when you see the change. 

I still can't forget

Recently my every day life has gotten "hard." I've had a huge lack of motivation and been kinda down in the dumps but I've been happy. I don't know this whole process is tiring and I just don't know what emotions I'm going though. I miss J so much and its been getting worse and worse with December coming soon. 

I've been writing letters to J but not sending them. Just writing what I feel and what I want to tell him. I bought some of his old cologne and sprayed it on my bed sheets. I'm still weak towards him but I've built strength in myself that I know is there. I've been drowning in memories lately, more than ever before and it's been hard. I've had good and bad memories, flashbacks from that day and from when there was no worry in sight. 

I have regrets of December. J's mother asked me before December if J and I had been using. Stupidly I lied to her. This is my deepest regret I have. If I had told her the truth none of this would have happened. J would be a free and SOBER man, I would have been happy with him, and my family wouldn't be so worried about me. 

Talking to my mom about things has gotten a little bit easier but I fear that my father will never bend. It's not like I'm going to take J back or anything but I feel like he will be part of my life and I don't know how my father will feel about that. I've never had great communication skills when it comes to my parents. Hell I even talked to J's parents about things before I talked to mine. 

I've been wanting to write J's mom a letter. Apologizing for lying to her and not taking the hand she was trying to give me. I didn't see how much trouble I was in until it was too late. I also want to thank her, even though I'm not sure she wants to hear that. But in reality she gave me my life back. 

So I chose to put "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers for this post because I don't why really but it makes me think of J. I really enjoy this song though I'm not sure why its pretty different from my usual music but it's still a good one.

pretending

So Thankful This Thanksgiving

There is so much that I'm thankful for this year. Thanksgiving hasn't really been that important to me previous years, but it was a great time with the family and friends I had. This year its got a whole new meaning to me. I'm so thankful to be living and before last December I really didn't care to live. I'm thankful that J was in my life even if December happened, he taught me a lot and I learned a lot about myself through everything that happened. I've grown stronger because of everything. I'm thankful for his family who accepted me in their family and especially his mom and sister who helped me in a time in need, even though it meant going against J. I'm thankful for my family and all the second chances and support that they have given to me. I'm thankful for all the friends who have been in my life, you guys really helped me through a lot of times and I glad to have such greats friends. I'm thankful for my two best friends, Riley and Cody, my dogs, for even though they can't talk they are great listeners and bring great joy to me. And last but not least, this year I'm thankful for me. I'm thankful for the person I've become, I'm thankful that I still have hopes and dreams, and I'm thankful that I still have some motivation in me to reach those dreams of mine. 

Although I've been a bit down in the dumps lately, Thanksgiving has put a little spark in me. Yet there is no denying that J is on my mind. I remember going over to J's house last year for dessert for Thanksgiving night. I remember how he held me and whispered what he was grateful for. I miss J and the memories that I have as so vivid that it doesn't help. I feel like everyone is getting tired of me talking about J but I can't help it; I speak what's on my mind and he's on it. I've been accidentally calling one of my guy friends by J's name when really he's and P-name. It's almost been a year and I still feel the same way about J, but I know what I have to do now and I know that for my sake I can't use ever again. 

So today's song is "Be Yourself" by Audioslave, aside from the emotional shit I go through at this time of year, fall/winter is my favorite part of the year. I love the way the leaves change colors and cover the streets, I love the sunny days after a rainy day and the way the water makes everything glitter and glisten in the sun. So with that being said this is my favorite time of year for some cruising on the back roads just enjoy the scenery and listening to music. This song is one of my favorite cruising songs makes me feel at ease and peaceful.

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and I encourage you to reach out to those who have helped you in any ways and tell them that you are grateful for their help and their friendship. Tell the people you love how much you care. But most importantly don't forget to be thankful for yourself, be thankful for what you have been through and how far you've gone, be thankful that you have people who love and care about you, and be thankful that people are grateful for you, because I'm thankful for all of my readers. I love that I can share my stories even though I'm just a common person and people actually take the time to read my posts. So thank you.

Who to turn to?

I've been tested throughout this year and I don't know how I've done on making decisions. I wish I had someone I could turn to for answers but this is a matter I need to handle myself. Its hard though cause my decision has an effect on so many people when it comes to J and I. I've been trying to just let time answer all my questions but it's not. I've been hoping I would find someone to help me forget about J but no one can compare. I was a queen when I was with J. When he was sober he cooked me breakfast, lunch, and dinner all the time, he provided for me when he could, he cared for me when I was upset, he heeled me when I was in pain(not because of him... I play sports), and he would just listen to me when that was all I needed. 

J was my best friend, my rock, and I loved him. But now after everything what do I do? I want to hold on the the sober J I want him to see that when he is sober is when things workout. We never fought in our relationship unless we were using. We were chasing dreams and I guess his dreams got a bit off track. If J was to be on track and plan on staying on track I would consider being in his life (not necessarily a romantic relationship but at least a friendship) but I can't have what happened last year ever happen again. I will be strong enough to tell him that if I need to. But until he is out and has at least a year and a half outside of prison, I will just have to live my life. I don't want to deal with something that I don't have to until many years later. 

So I was gunna put "I Turned to You" by Christina Aguilera but I don't really have that person to turn to... so the song for this post is "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" by Brantley Gilbert. This song has been a favorite of mine for a LONG TIME. No one really knows mine and J's relationship the way we do and no one in my family or friends knows J the way I know him. People always try to tell me I'll stop hurting and I'll move on but I just don't see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to find a guy that treats me like J and makes me feel the way J made me feel. 

Finding My Way

I had a meeting with the school counselor and I've finally decided what my goal in school is and it feels amazing. I just have to stay focused and motivated. Although it wasn't the way I thought I had to take it's a route that seems right for me. I'm planning on going into the Dental Assisting program and AA in Spanish then hopefully finding a job after I'm done with that and save up and go out into the world alone and then if I still have that desire to be a nurse go back to school. I have a long time in my life to come and it's finally clear after talking to MANY people I've learned your career can change as many time you want. 

So with all that I haven't put much thought to J lately. School has been a great distraction from everything that is still going on behind the curtains. I think the best thing is to just put it aside for now and just focus on me and let all my emotions settle down. I don't know what is ahead for me, my future is so bright that I can't even tell its dark right now. I miss J and I still love him but I need to love me. I need to find me. I was willing to go against my morals to please J and in the end it fucked me over. I've learned my lesson and I'm listening to myself and controlling my own life. 

I need to start be healthier and grabbing onto the dreams I have and make them come true because in the end that's the only way they will happen. If I make them happen they will, no one else is going to give me a dream. So I'll get it myself. I need to be an independent woman before I can love again. I need to be a stronger person. And I'm so thankful that it's been working so well for me. 

But despite of all this new light to my life my memories of J are still on repeat  in my mind. But they motivate me. They tell me that, that kind of love is worth waiting for. Meaning if another person comes along who can make me feel the way I did with J, I want to be ready to be ME and be in a relationship. If that guy comes along and it's not J I'm not going to let it go by because of J. They have big shoes to fill but I don't know who is out there. I don't know who I might meet tomorrow, next week, month, year. I'm just going with the flow for once and it's very stress free. I can look like crap when I want and I don't give a fuck. 

So this post's song is "Who You Are" by Jessie J (but Jillian Jensen's version for my spaghetti). Because I've found me and I've got answers to the questions I've been to afraid to ask for. The wind is under my wings and I'm just taking it for a ride. Not sure what's ahead but I'm going into with a new view. 

Have you ever?

I've been sick for the past few days, which means no school for me, and a lot of thinking. I've been having a lot of dreams about J lately. Not very surprising considering the fact I end every night reading the words he wrote to me. I've been slumping into a rut, I've become more and more depressed everyday...

I can't let things like that get to me. I can't lose sight of my goals and dreams I've made after December. I got my midterm grades this weekend and I'm so proud of myself, but I seem to be the only person who is...

I've been spending my days of sickness on the couch watching countless romance movies. They kinda give me hope that everything will work out eventually. Although none seem to be nearly as complicating as mine and J's "love story" they give me hope that the answers will eventually come to me. 

The best thing I can do now is wait. I can't rush into any decisions or conclusions. Time. That's all I need. Time to figure everything out. Time to tell people what I think. Time to just be me.

I've lost myself lately. Maybe it's the winter or maybe its my own lack of motivation. I haven't been to gym in about a month, and I'm starting to feel the pounds adding back on. But I've lost my drive, my spark. I need to gain that light back in my soul before I try to make any moves in any direction. 

I need to start standing up for myself because if I don't, who will? I was told that I was in a co-dependent relationship with J, and although that might be what the outside eye sees, our love was magical. Not one person could question our love. 

I put passion in front of common sense. I fell for J hard. If I used my common sense I would have seen the drug addict that everyone else seems to see in him. But I don't. I see a man with a bad habit. HORRIBLE habit. I feel like I give too many second chances to people. I believe every person is a good person. I know its crazy with all the felons and serial killers in the world, but I see the silver lining in the darkest people. Maybe its a curse or maybe its a gift. 

Anyways for this post the song is "Have You Ever?" by Brandy. I've had plenty of heart breaks in my time and I've cried countless times because of a guy, but the tears that fall for J are different from the others. The tears that fall for J are every drop of hope I have that one day we will be brought together again. So yes Brandy, I have loved someone so much that I cry.

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to all of you readers who have read my blog and everything. It means a lot to me that people are reading this and I'm not just putting up useless posts. These posts help me and maybe they even help you.  I never thought that I would have so many people reading my blog when I first started. And it really touches my heart that people like you are out there reading this. So pat yourself on the back, go treat yourself to ice cream, or do something to treat yourself because you give me hope. Thank you for the support and please keep reading my blog and maybe even leave your thoughts in a comment.  

Building Walls

So after talking things over with a friend I've come to a realization that I need to build a wall around my heart to keep J out. Not to give up on him but to make it so that when or if I hear from him or about him I don't lose myself. I've been in a rut ever since I've heard word about J and things with me and him in his view. It's unhealthy that just a few words can throw me off. I need to keep the focus on me and not forget my goals and my life. I care about J but I can't put him in front of my own needs. 

I feel completely wrapped into J and that's not healthy, but it's just how strongly I feel for him. I need to not lose the love that I have for him but not let things get to me so easily. I've found myself more and more sensitive, yet still not voicing my feelings to those who have hurt them. I don't want to cause any drama for myself so when my feelings get hurt I try to just brush it off, but lately I feel like one more thing is just gunna break the camel's back. 

With the holidays just around the corner I find myself not really in the holiday spirit. I'm trying not to let last years holiday season ruin this years holiday season. And on top of the memories I have of last year, I still don't have a job. I don't want to be that one person who people didn't get gifts from because I'm a fuck up. My confidence has been like a seesaw lately, up one day down the next. My sanity has been out the window for a long time but I feel like more and more of it is going out there too. Soon enough I'll be pulling my hair out.

So one of my friends played this song for me after the whole thing with J's sister and her friends. And now with everything else happening and the tearing and ripping that people are doing to me; I find this song appropriate. People can talk all they want and I'm gunna just brush it off, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Scared to be Judged

Growing up I was told to follow my heart, and was shown to never give up on the ones you love and care about. So why should I give up on J? I've been one to not really care what people think of me, until those people are my family and friends. I'm scared that everyone in my life will think less of me, that I'm weak, stupid, foolish. But love makes us weak in the knees, it makes us stupid at times and definitely makes us foolish. In the end no one can really tell me what to do with my life and no one can really give me the advise I have been desperately seeking, since no one knew the relationship J and I had better than we did. 

But do I put my life on pause because of this? Definitely not my school life, but my "love" life. Although right now its already non-existent. It's definitely less complicating when you're single and keeping to yourself, and Lord knows I definitely don't need anything to complicate things in my life any more than it already is. I don't know where my life will go and who I will be in the years to come. So I really don't know what will happen between J and I, and it kills me that all I can do is wait.

So I changed the video of the week, since while I was making my bed "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls came on, and well it just hit hard. Songs are written to help the artist connect to their fans, I feel like this song explains how I feel right now. 

I Won't Give Up

Once again a mutual friend of J and I has given me a bit of information about J. And it was great to hear but hard to hear. As if I wasn't confused before, it's even worse now. My heart says he was the one and my head is saying he's going to go back to the drugs again. But I don't want to believe that. I wish I could just rewind time and change his mind when he just kept pushing the drugs. But I can't. I don't know how my parents would feel if I told them how I truly feel about J. I know him better than they do and he's not an animal he is not a bad person. His heart is pure of love and dreams, but he was simply poisoned by the terrible drugs that have destroyed his life before and now again. 

Hearing the words that he said about me made me want to hate him because I miss him so much that for some reason it's not okay for him to miss me. It doesn't make sense, I should hate him, but I don't. I know that he is a good man but he has definitely complicated everything. I know I haven't moved on (tried that) since him and I've been making all kinds of excuses as to why. But recently it has hit me hard to know that I'm just not ready to let go of J. 

I know that a lot of people aren't going to agree with my decisions and my parents are probably going to be among those people, but I'm going to prove them wrong. I'm going to show them that J is a good man I'm going to show them I'm a strong person. I put my support in J and I'm not ready to give up on him. I know the man he can be sober and ladies and gents let me tell you, your mind will be blown to think that J would have ever done what he did in December. 

I've heard the remorse in his voice during court, I've heard the concern that he has when he talks about me to his friends, I know that we have a connection that no one ever could try to explain. It hurts to know that he, too, thought that we were meant to be for each other. It's tears me apart that he didn't realize that before. 

So what do I do at this point, do I take the risk of hurting my family to hold on to the one person who actually understands me. It's not only that he feels that way but I do too. I've felt that way since we met and it scared me to think about losing him and now that I've almost lost him I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to set my back on my family. Will they hate me? Disown me? Kick me out?

On a lighter note though, I have a few years before I really need to decided what to do with J. He's still going to be in prison for a few more years so I don't even know where I will be then. I might have forgotten all about J and moved on with someone and moved far away from California. Or I could still be here in California holding on to my past and hoping it will be my future again. I don't know where I will be, who I will be, or even if I'll be alive or around once J sees the outside walls again. But I will continue to focus on my individual life and my own career before even thinking about a relationship. So bring on a longer dry spell. 

So I decided that every post will have a music video of the song that is kinda that song of the week/post. This week it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Its pretty much explains itself and its pretty clear as to why I would pick it, but for those who are slower... I'm not giving up on J and I'm not giving up on me. I'm going to follow my heart, but listen to my morals and beliefs. 

Word I Couldn't Say

I was cleaning my room a bit the other day, organizing my desk and I found a letter that I wrote for J when we first started dating. The things I said in that letter (which I never did give to him) could have changed a lot of things, and maybe it could have saved our relationship. I've been trying hard not to think so much on the what if's and the what could have been, but after reading that letter I was ambushed by guilt and self-hatred. If only I wasn't such a coward, if only I could have just said the things, that I ever so effortlessly wrote on paper, to J everything in December might not have happened. 

If I was just able to tell him that I was in love with the guy he was when he was sober, I wish that I had that strength in myself to tell him that. Sometimes it's hard to stand up and follow your heart when its the one that you love who is going against what you believe in and want. I was very insecure when it came to J, I was scared that he would have used with someone else if I hadn't given in, maybe that should have been the red flag. I was scared to give him an ultimatum because I was sure if he would have picked me. 

I'm really into music, and I often say that it saved my life. Music moves me in a way that nothing else does. Sometimes I hear songs that just describe exactly how I feel, as I'm sure everyone else does. This song "Words I couldn't Say" by the Rascal Flatts is a song that has been on my playlist ever since December and I thought I would share it with you here.

Starting to Lose it Again

Lately, I've been slowly sinking back into the hole that I've finally gotten out of. I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again and it's because Winter is near. Winter has never been a good time for me, even though Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas are in Winter. Some call it seasonal depression, I call it the season of hell. Yet every year I make it out of Winter alive, ready to greet the New Year. I've gotten better and better at masking my pain, letting people walk all over me, and really questioning things. 

My grandma's health is not well, her kidneys are starting to fail... She will be the first VERY close person to me to pass. I'm not ready for that. I used to think that my grandma was immortal that she was an angel that was sent down into my life. So hearing that she doesn't have much time left isn't something I can comprehend. 

I've been focusing so much on school and getting good grades that I've forgotten to live life as well. Although I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished this year, I find myself still thinking I could have done better. 

I cried today for the first time in a long time. I was starting to think I was finally finding myself and finally doing well, but tonight I just don't feel it. Maybe it's just an off day for me but these kinds of nights are what causes me to stress so much. 

I'm starting to feel more alone than I have ever. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. I "broke up" with one of my "best" friends cause of the person she has changed into. Another friend thinks I'm after her boyfriend's nuts (just for clarification, I'M NOT). I just don't feel like I can rely on anyone but myself these days, and I'm not even the most reliable for myself. So what's the point? Why am I still here? Clearly everyone would be better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm still here to fuck up everyone else's lives so they can feel how I feel. I just don't know anything anymore. I just don't care anymore. I just wish everything and everyone would disappear. I've been wanting to get in my car and just drive away from everything. Run away from my problems cause it's so much easier than dealing with them. 

Alone.

You know I've been trying to play it off as if I'm strong and trying to say I don't need a man and maybe I really don't, but I miss having a boyfriend. I miss having a lover, a best friend, and comfort in one person. I feel like I just don't have any one I can confide in when I'm in a bad mood. I don't have that one person that when I'm in a bad mood or i my funks I can call and feel better after. I remember that all I would need was a phone call or even just a text from J and my bad day would turn good, my overcasted skies turned clear blue. I miss having "another half" to me. It's even harder when 2 of 3 best friends have boyfriends. I've been trying to channel my focus on school, but it's been hard when I meet so many guys at school. It's just frustrating and tiring when it seems like all guys want these days is sex and no strings attached. And I feel like I want strings attached but no sex... no guy would want that.

A long distance relationship/online relationship sounds very appeeling to me lately so I've found a guy that seems like an nice guy. I understand that there are risks involved with online dating, but rigt now I'm willing to tke those risks. I'm not sure if I'm even planning on ever meeting this guy, he lives in Oregon and I live in California so I'm not sure if either of us think that the other is worth that trip yet.

On another note, I've been trying to lose weight and going to the gym as often as I can. I've lost about 20 pounds so far and I feel great about it and I have so much support. My best friend joined the gym and goes with me as often as she can. She pushes me to go hard and I love it, nothing motivates me more than a little bit of competion.

School is suprisingly going well. I'm ahead in my math class, doing well in spanish, and suprisingly keeping up in English.

I've found this year is the year of changes. I've been going through a bunch of changes and pretty much everyone else around me has been going through changes as well.

Miss me?

Curiousity Attacks

I have been talking to my mutural friend with J and he told me that J has been asking about me, like how I'm doing and what I've been up to. It's comforting to know that J still cares about me. My feelings for him have pretty much come back in a full force. And it scares me, I'm vulnerable and I've been looking to find ways on whether or not I can legally contact him yet. I have to do a bunch of legal research cause I'm not gunna risk what he has now to talk to him. But with little research I have already done I think I can, because I believe it was just an emergency protection order that we had which means its lifted after 5 business days. But I'm not sure if there was a paper that I signed saying otherwise. This whole thing has got me confused at this point all I've wanted was a chance to talk to him but now I'm rethinking everything.  

I have to keep moving forward with my life and if that means moving on with someone else so be it, but I'm not going to make that my main focus. My curiousity of what J is thinking and feeling has been killing me ever since our friend told me abou him asking about me. I still have so many unanswered questions. I've answered some of them but most of them I can't.

This is the first time in a really long time, if not ever, that being single sounds good to me. I've always tried to find happiness in a relationship, but I'm finding it in my everyday life.

On a completely random note, I miss my dad. He has been gone for a week or so, on a motorcycle ride. It's funny how when he's home all I wnt is for him to go out and do something but when he's gone its hard. He's the only one who is actually around the house. And he does a lot around the house, guess who gets to take up all his responsiblities when he's gone.... ME. But I'm glad my dad gets to enjoy a trip with his buddies.

Getting There

Hate the World

I'm so done with dealing with the general public. Them running their mouths about the article in the paper about J and December. Calling him a danger for women, and all these judgemental words; when these people don't even know the kind of person J is. The comments of people who don't know J and what they are saying just cuts me down, saying he should be executed and required to wear a sign around his neck saying danger to women. But I'm standing up for what I believe and what I know J is not a monster or an animal, he is simply and man with a drug addiction. I know that if J was sober throughout our relationship we would still be together and December wouldn't have happened.

I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.

Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.

I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!

These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.


Closure?

Today was the last sentencing date for J, and the final call is out. He was sentenced with 6 years in state prison, but then credited 500+ served time cutting it down to 4.5 years. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Hearing him apologized just broke me down, hearing the remorse in his voice healed me, and hearing him break down into tears infront of the whole court drove a truck through my heart. Do I still have underlining feeling for him? Absolutely. I will always have feelings for him and care for him. But at this point I need to move forward alone. I need to become a stronger individual again. But I'm gunna finish that chapter of my life now and become someone who deserves the life that I have been given many times to start fresh and I feel like something has finally clicked.

When I was asked if I wanted to address the court about the impact that December has dealt to me; I was shaking and couldn't seem to form words. After the anxiety faded I shortly regret giving up my right to express what I feel. Cause there's a lot of things I feel about this whole thing. Everyday my emotions are different, there are days I hate J and there are days I can't deny the fact I still love him. There's days I don't want to leave my house, and then there are days I don't want to spend a moment at home. But the main thing I feel is blessed. Blessed to the fact I was strong enough to survive and blessed to have learn such a needed lesson.

Can I officially say that J and I are completely done? No I can't honestly, cause you never truely know who is gunna come into our lives, when they're gunna leave our lives and if they come back after leaving. J has lost contact with me for a whole year prior to us dating, and yet he called. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. If it does it won't be for a few years. At this point, if we do meet paths again we will be completely different people from the people we are today.

Life is all about change. Whether or not we like to admitt that it's true. I believe the meaning of life is not to be successful in the way of money or true love or any of the shit people think. But the changes. The changes and expierences we go through. What information and morals do we take away from the constant change in our lives. I'm not at all close to the person I was in middle school or high school or even last December. To think back to the very beginning of what I can really remember (not much sadly)and see how different my life was back then. The people who have came into my life and sadly fallen out of it. The best friends I had when I was younger don't even talk to me. I feel like everyone leaves your life eventually. Which is kinda a "duh" moment since everyone dies eventually... realist.

I have cheated death twice now, once when I attempted suicide in '08 and in December. I wasn't scared to die though. I was ready. I remember thinking that if that was the last day I live, I would be ok with it. I have loved those close to me and I have felt the love of many. I was at peace with my life, at that moment when I thought what if I really don't make it through this. I never truely thought that J would kill me but more like a car accident during it or something.

Words cannot express the appreciation I have for J's mom, and I wish I could tell her that. She saved my life, and I never got to thank her. Again, I know J couldn't have killed me but if I did what I wanted to do, instead of calling the cops, I could be tied up with meth. I'm thankful I never got addicted to it. I'm not happy with the sacrafice she had to make though. I know that she needed to do the "right" thing to do but to give up her own son took a lot of strength on her part. The damage that his family had to go through must have been a lot harder than whatever I went through.

During court, after the judge had already announced that J wasn't going to get out on probation, the judge decided to wait to finish J's case for another 30 minutes. During that time we went through other cases and one case was a guy who just came back from state prison and faced 11 more years in state prison. He told a story about what he saw in the prison, about two Nortes stab and kill a 60 year old white man. He explained how he had one Norte on each side of his cell and hearing constant threats of death. He explained the fear he had and the seriousness of the prison system. After he was done with his story, I couldn't help but think about J going to state prison and going through similar things.

I don't want to know what he will see in there. I hope that he stays clean in there though. It's still shocks me to hear about some of the prison and jail stories I hear. I have a few friends at school who have been to jail and prison and they tell me all these crazy stories about the other prisoners. I will never expirence that, I'm done with my immpulsive actions.

So did I get my full closure? Probably not.

 

Unexpected Jealousy

I saw one of mine and J's mutural friends the other day and he told me that him and a few more of J's friends were going to go visit him on Tuesday. And the weirdest pain struck through my heart; jealousy. I was jealous that they wanted to go see him, I was jealous they could go see him, I was jealous that they be in contact with him. I told our friend that I wish I could join, but we all know that would be impossible but it's the impossible things we want the most. My heart is still vulnerable to his love, there's no denying that fact, ever. He was everything I ever wanted and we both just let it slip through our hands. he blame is not to be put on me nor J but both of us equally. We BOTH could have done things differently. I could have told J's mom about our using when she first asked about it, instead of lying and possibly losing her trust. He could have been stronger to stay sober and to control his temper. I could have been stronger and said no to using with him. There are many ways everything could have been avoided but all the wrong decisons were made and the worst thing happened when everyone else thought life was good. Our decisions can be altered by many things, love being the strongest.

 

I've been terrified to fall in love with someone again. I'm terrified to be vulnerable. A relationship is the scarrest thing in my life right now. I tried to give my all to J and I lost myself in J. I'm scared to lose the woman I am becoming because I feel like I've finally done it. I'm finally finding me and its the pure happiness me. The one that doesn't need a man in her life to feel happy and loved. My life has been kind of lonely lately just because I'm constantly surrounded with couples. It seems like everyone else has someone else by their side; and then there's me. I'm alone yet I'm not because I have myself. I finally feel strong and I finally feel more independent. I've noticed that my life will go on without J, which maybe shows that he wasn't the one. We all know that once you find the one your life seems to fall apart after they leave; some are to say die of heartbreak with a bond so strong. Was it love or lust with me and J? Maybe, but the connection we had was so amazing that it's hard to explain in words. We clicked so well when we were sober, sometimes we didn't even have to talk about something we would just know. It was a great comfort zone and we were both comforting to each other. I miss those times when it was getting hard when we were there for each other no matter what happened. When we were all we had to fight for, and we would fight for each other over everything else. But things do changes greatly and often. People change, perspectives changes, seasons change, feelings change Everything changes. We cannot avoid the change but we can direct it's direction, we can navagate the change to sructure our own paths, our own routes. We can choose to adapt with the changes, or play the victim and be caught up in the process of change.

 

Life throws us curveballs all the time, the way we handle the stituations and what we take away from the out come and how we precieve it later in life; determines growth and maturity. You don't get mature from hearing stroies from other people about their lives, the best way to learn is from your own mistakes. Life is like a book there are so many different chapters but each have their own lesson but each are not forgotten as you turn to the next chapter, but recreated to retry.

 

Lately I've been annoyed with people who are so quick to judge things as if it's their to judge. I realize that it's human nature to judge but I'm sick of people thinking that I actually care what they think. I know that sounds really bad, but it's true sometimes it's better to just bite your lip. People need to stop judging my life and everything that has happened to me as if they know it from first hand. I know who J was and I know how other people see him to be something he's not. A monster. A criminal. An abuiser. J was a man who cared for me and catered to me. I was spoiled by him, it was the small things he did for me that made me love him the way I did. He made me dinner, lunch, and breakfast. He would buy me things with the little money he ever had. He showed me his world. He shared so many memories with me. I miss everything that we had. But I know we can't ever have it again. I remember when I was still positive that things would work out after all this, but I'm pretty sure there is no future with J and I. No matter how much I wish things could go back to how they were before all the drugs, it was the decision we made together and foolishly.

New School Semester

School is starting tomorrow and it seems like the past few days I have been getting everything together and making some changes. I rearranged my room, I needed a new sense to live in and I love it. Things are starting to look up for me, even though it's getting closer and closer to the next court date for J's case. It's been on the back of my mind but since school is coming I've been a bit more distracted from my thoughts of him and the 30th. I've been spending time at home and with friends who I care about and love, life is seeming to be getting back on track.

My paresnts just bought me a new computer for school and I've been working on getting it set up for myself. Another great distraction. It seems that the days that I am crazy busy are my best days. I get stressed about thingss but I don't think about everything. I get sucked into the present with no time to think about the past or the future. I've been the kind of person who likes to enjoy life day by day. I never like to be too planned out where I can still have some spontaneous moments.

I can't believe that it has been eight months since everything happened. It's weird how all that time can go by yet it's still fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I know that one day it will just be a small memory. Just another story that will disapear, like so many other things that have been hard to bounce back from. Repressing them as much as I can isn't the best way to deal with things but it's been my way of couping forever.

There is no going back to being the person I was before December. I fear to fall in love again. I fear that I will lose my control because of love. I'm so easily blinded by the love of another that I cannot seem to focus on the love from myself. There is no hope for the old me to return just hope that the new me with shape and form into something greater. Sometimes you just need to keep going even when it feels like your feet won't budge.

As the court date creeps up I have friends and loved one's asking me about it and asking if they can come for suppport. I love that they are trying to put in the effort, but bringing up the court date only makes me break down and shut down. I have been focusing on distracting myself to the point where I know its coming but I really don't want to think about it until the day before. It's the only way I can stay sane for the next few days.I am hoping that this will be the last court appearence I will have to make, I hope that the judge will just give J the sentencing and that be it. At this point I don't even care how long he goes to jail or prison I just want this whole court thing to be over.

Every court date that comes around just reminds me about everything every time. I start having dreams of that day and dreams of the good days with J. My patients and understanding of people begins to shift to irritible behavior. Not only do I want this whole thing to just blow over, but I NEED it to be, for my sanity's sake. 

feeling a bit blue

I've been a bit down lately, thinking about things, going back to December. It's been hard to forget everything when I still have undercover feelings for J. It's been hard to move on, I feel like people have forgotten about what happened to me. I don't wanna play the victim but I wish people would just let me take my time getting back on the field. I do want to get back to dating but I really don't know if I can move on right now. This whole thing has taught me that there are some traits that I need to look for in a potential boyfriend that I have been overlooking.


Lately, I've been able to talk about J more and listen to songs that remind me of him without getting upset. It's been helping me heal and cope with things. Been thinking about deleting his sister from facebook not to diss her or anything just because sometimes it just upsets me to see her posts cause it brings back memories I have of J. My memories I have been having lately are just hard, I smile as I think of J and the way things were; but then I have one memory of December come along and BAM! my smile shatters like glass.


I still haven't had the power to delete the pictures of J on my computer and my phone. I've had the power to no longer have him as my background for a few months now; but every once in a while I like to look at those pictures and reminisce.

On another note, job hunting has been stressful. I'll get a call, get an interview, then nothing. It's been annoying to put in all this effort and get a bit of hope then absolutely no progress is made. And on top of my frustration my parents are just adding more and more stress. They think that they are helping telling me all these places that are hiring. I wouldn't mind the help if it wasn't every day and coming from both of them. I know that my parents are only trying to support me and help me with getting back on my feet but sometimes I wish they would be a bit more sensitive towards me.


I do tend to bottle things up and hide my emotions; and I'm not very good at voicing my opinion or feelings. Especially when it's towards someone I care about. Sometimes I let my friends walk all over me, without me voicing anything and I think I need to start working on that because it's hurting me and the relationships I have with them.