Summer break is officially here and I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I've been having good days and bad days and unfortunately more bad than good. I've been having a fight with myself for a weeks now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting way too attached to T and I don't know what he's wanting out of our relationship. I'm so confused and its hard to actually talk to him about things because I'm scared he'll leave me.
My therapist keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about T leaving me cause he's probably not the one anyways. I don't blame her cause I really don't see myself settling down with T but at this point I don't see myself settling with anyone. I've been getting frustrated with him lately too. It's been hard to control my emotions I haven't snapped or really acted mad at T until last night. Maybe he was able to sense my anger but when he asked I couldn't explain why I was mad.
I cried myself to sleep last night in his bed while he lied there asleep and unaware. I mean the dude fell asleep while we were trying to have intercorse. How great is that supposed to make me feel? I'm falling apart and I feel like no one can see it happening and I'm scared to let people know.
Well after a few weeks I've finally put my head to rest and accepted the fact that T and I will only be friends with benefits. And though I might have some feelings for him I'm going to have to keep them to myself for now. I've been talking to other guys lately and starting to think about dating more. I've had the opportunities but for some reason I haven't taken them.
I've started missing J again. I feel like its gunna be this way for a while, and maybe even my whole life. It's like I can't stop loving him even when I hate him. But maybe he's just that forbidden fruit. I don't know. I know it's been a year and a half though, halfway through the no contact order. I don't know what's going to happen when J gets out of prison... I wonder if he'll try to contact me or find me. I wonder if he still thinks about me. These are probably some things I shouldn't be thinking about. I worry about him in a disgustingly sick way. When his sister posts sad status' on Facebook I often wonder if they are about him.
I pick a song that I've loved for years now. It's been my go to song for break ups but J brings this song to a whole new level. Our relationship might have been short (and clearly unhealthy), but it was the first relationship I could see myself marrying the guy (of course this was before the drugs and when he was sober). Anyways the song is call "I Can't Unlove You" by Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Roger's voice and this song brings a chill to my spine and tears to my eyes, every time and I mean EVERY TIME.
Well after a few weeks I've finally put my head to rest and accepted the fact that T and I will only be friends with benefits. And though I might have some feelings for him I'm going to have to keep them to myself for now. I've been talking to other guys lately and starting to think about dating more. I've had the opportunities but for some reason I haven't taken them.
I've started missing J again. I feel like its gunna be this way for a while, and maybe even my whole life. It's like I can't stop loving him even when I hate him. But maybe he's just that forbidden fruit. I don't know. I know it's been a year and a half though, halfway through the no contact order. I don't know what's going to happen when J gets out of prison... I wonder if he'll try to contact me or find me. I wonder if he still thinks about me. These are probably some things I shouldn't be thinking about. I worry about him in a disgustingly sick way. When his sister posts sad status' on Facebook I often wonder if they are about him.
I pick a song that I've loved for years now. It's been my go to song for break ups but J brings this song to a whole new level. Our relationship might have been short (and clearly unhealthy), but it was the first relationship I could see myself marrying the guy (of course this was before the drugs and when he was sober). Anyways the song is call "I Can't Unlove You" by Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Roger's voice and this song brings a chill to my spine and tears to my eyes, every time and I mean EVERY TIME.
