Highly Emotional

I went to a bbq for cinco de mayo after going to the river with some friends, it was fun until my break down. I was socializing with everyone and my friend that I brought was off flirting with this guy Mar. and I guess he was getting tired of people taking his hat, but I wasn't aware so I reached for it and he yelled at me. Now if everything in December didn't happen I'm sure I wouldn't be making such a big deal about it but it was the first time a guy has yelled at me like that since J. I freaked out and my first reaction is get the hell out of there so I grabbed my stuff and stormed off to the car and punched a pole. (I fractured my pinkie) Then after that I cooled down I started crying in the car in front of my friends. 

I've been having a hard time with one of my "best friends" I feel like she just doesn't care anymore. I've been trying really hard to be calm about things but it's starting to really get to me. Whenever I try to get together with her is one lame excuse after another. I don't even know if I can even call her a friend anymore cause it's really starting to feel like she could care less about our friendship. I feel so alone lately, my friends either make excuses not to hang out, are too busy to hang out, or make me feel like shit when we do hang out. It's so hard cause after December we were all so close and now I feel like I losing them. 

Stressing Out

For the past week I have been finding myself crying over the stress that I'm going through right now. My ass is very close to going to jail if I don't get my community service hours done and take my class before June this year. Then on top of that I have my friends wanting to do things and I'm wanting to do them but all this stress is keeping me from enjoying things. My parents and I got in an argument over me "goofing around" with my friends and not focusing on my court case. After going to court today I see why my parents are upset, but I've made plans with my friends this week and I don't want to take back my RSVP. It's getting difficult to please everyone and I'm forgetting to please myself. 

On another note one of J's friends has gotten in contact with me and had asked to meet up and catch up. I'm a bit nervous cause I'm not sure what his friends think of me now that I'm the reason J is in jail. I'm meeting up with him tonight so hopefully all goes smooth. 

It's been hard to put that smile on my face and go through my day as if nothing is wrong. I cried in class twice this week and didn't go to basketball due to my depression and injuries I got when I went out on Monday night for my best friend's birthday. 

My dreams about J continue and it makes it harder to forget about him. But I've started focusing on me and making sure I can get my life back on track. Still haven't heard about a new job but I have some volunteer hours coming up soon so at least I'm dealing with the more important stuff first. 

Fun fact of this post: J's birthday is next week.