Not everything is easy...

Man has this winter been putting me to the test. I've never been much of a winter fan and this one is just another winter to add to the list of shitty winters. I feel like I've lost myself this year, I was in such a better state of being last year and one could almost say I had a good winter, but this year it's the same old story: Depressed because I'm not where I wanted to be in the end of the year.  I feel like I've fallen into pieces and everything else has shattered with me. 

So with all that said my New Years resolution is to focus on me... Again. Get myself back to the happy, goofy Christie that so many miss. Next year will be about my health both physically and mentally. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few days and I'm no where near where I thought I would be when growing up. Sure I've got a full time job and just recently got medical insurance because of that, and I'm move out of my parents house, but I thought I would have at least graduated from college and had a career or at least a degree. I thought maybe I would be engaged or married with kids, that's no where near in my future. I thought I would be happy with the person I became, proud to be myself but I don't even know who I am. 

Many changes are to come next year and well I'm actually quite excited to see where I'll be next year at this time. I think it's the first time ever that I'm not just afraid for these changes but eager... It's just a matter of time until I start making my moves and baby my movement is forward so either hop on or be left in the dust. 

Where has the time gone?

WOW it's been  almost a year since I've posted. Wonder if anyone still reads this thing. T and I are still going strong living together now with our dog at his grandfather's house. I've been working full time since January at High Tech Burrito. Going through life day by day and trying not to focus on my past. I find myself becoming depressed lately. 

I've been seeing nothing but friends and acquaintances getting engaged or having a baby. And recently we've had our friend from out of town visiting us, with their six week old baby girl. And as I watch these young mothers post picture of their babies I only think of why can't I have one? Sure not now since clearly I'm not ready, but to know that even if I wanted to get pregnant I can't.  I haven't gone to the doctors for this specific issue because I'm scared. What if there really is no way for me to have a child from my own body? Sure there's adoption, but it's my right as a woman to be able to have my own child, but mother nature is depriving me from having what (almost) every girl dreams of.  


I've always loved babies and I think I would be a great mother, but maybe mother nature knows best? 

Holiday Spirit has Returned

Two years have past since everything that happened with J and so much has changed since then. I've finally gained my holiday spirit back and my smile is a little bit more genuine. This past year has been about growing and learning, well I think every year has a bit of each but this one had an extra amount. I want to thank all those who have stuck with me through these years and who has helped me become the person I am today. I don't think I would be able to be this strong if it wasn't for T. Sure we have our fights and have been under a lot of stress lately, but he's shown me that I can open my heart to someone again and he's patient when I have my bad days. It's almost been a whole year since we've met and it's crazy to me how long it's been cause it seems like just yesterday I was telling my girlfriends about this hot photographer I met. 

Another thing/person that helped me a lot this year was my Interpersonal Communications teacher, she challenged me this semester to let go of things and self-disclose. And I learned this semester that I really don't think that I'm gunna have full closure with J until I actually talk and apologized to J's mother. I still have undercover feelings for J but I can't deny that fact that I'm falling in love with T. My heart and head have been in a constant battle this year. 

I just started working at High Tech Burrito and its been great, I've learned my lesson and I know what not to do and I'm living a better life. I've been a bit stressed out because of work, but luckily I took this semester off. Working has been a great relief and it give T and I the perfect amount of space. I'm back in the groove of things and I couldn't be happier. 

There are things that I still can't share with anyone and I'm not comfortable about talking about them with people but I need to let it off my chest. Maybe with time I can find the strength and trust to find someone to talk to about something that I know everyone else is tired of hearing about.... but I feel like if I don't find someone to talk about it I'm gunna break soon. 

For todays post I chose "Still" by Frankie J, I used to love this song and would play it on repeat over and over again. I've realized that this year is the last year for the no contact order between J and I.... I've been nervous about if he would try to contact me after everything.... I mean I'm living a completely different life, and I wouldn't be able to let go of T, I do love him. But I think I would be open to having a friendship with J, just don't think I could ever date him again. And I don't know if T would ever allow that.... my mind has just been going crazy lately...