Alone.

You know I've been trying to play it off as if I'm strong and trying to say I don't need a man and maybe I really don't, but I miss having a boyfriend. I miss having a lover, a best friend, and comfort in one person. I feel like I just don't have any one I can confide in when I'm in a bad mood. I don't have that one person that when I'm in a bad mood or i my funks I can call and feel better after. I remember that all I would need was a phone call or even just a text from J and my bad day would turn good, my overcasted skies turned clear blue. I miss having "another half" to me. It's even harder when 2 of 3 best friends have boyfriends. I've been trying to channel my focus on school, but it's been hard when I meet so many guys at school. It's just frustrating and tiring when it seems like all guys want these days is sex and no strings attached. And I feel like I want strings attached but no sex... no guy would want that.

A long distance relationship/online relationship sounds very appeeling to me lately so I've found a guy that seems like an nice guy. I understand that there are risks involved with online dating, but rigt now I'm willing to tke those risks. I'm not sure if I'm even planning on ever meeting this guy, he lives in Oregon and I live in California so I'm not sure if either of us think that the other is worth that trip yet.

On another note, I've been trying to lose weight and going to the gym as often as I can. I've lost about 20 pounds so far and I feel great about it and I have so much support. My best friend joined the gym and goes with me as often as she can. She pushes me to go hard and I love it, nothing motivates me more than a little bit of competion.

School is suprisingly going well. I'm ahead in my math class, doing well in spanish, and suprisingly keeping up in English.

I've found this year is the year of changes. I've been going through a bunch of changes and pretty much everyone else around me has been going through changes as well.

Miss me?

Curiousity Attacks

I have been talking to my mutural friend with J and he told me that J has been asking about me, like how I'm doing and what I've been up to. It's comforting to know that J still cares about me. My feelings for him have pretty much come back in a full force. And it scares me, I'm vulnerable and I've been looking to find ways on whether or not I can legally contact him yet. I have to do a bunch of legal research cause I'm not gunna risk what he has now to talk to him. But with little research I have already done I think I can, because I believe it was just an emergency protection order that we had which means its lifted after 5 business days. But I'm not sure if there was a paper that I signed saying otherwise. This whole thing has got me confused at this point all I've wanted was a chance to talk to him but now I'm rethinking everything.  

I have to keep moving forward with my life and if that means moving on with someone else so be it, but I'm not going to make that my main focus. My curiousity of what J is thinking and feeling has been killing me ever since our friend told me abou him asking about me. I still have so many unanswered questions. I've answered some of them but most of them I can't.

This is the first time in a really long time, if not ever, that being single sounds good to me. I've always tried to find happiness in a relationship, but I'm finding it in my everyday life.

On a completely random note, I miss my dad. He has been gone for a week or so, on a motorcycle ride. It's funny how when he's home all I wnt is for him to go out and do something but when he's gone its hard. He's the only one who is actually around the house. And he does a lot around the house, guess who gets to take up all his responsiblities when he's gone.... ME. But I'm glad my dad gets to enjoy a trip with his buddies.

Getting There

Hate the World

I'm so done with dealing with the general public. Them running their mouths about the article in the paper about J and December. Calling him a danger for women, and all these judgemental words; when these people don't even know the kind of person J is. The comments of people who don't know J and what they are saying just cuts me down, saying he should be executed and required to wear a sign around his neck saying danger to women. But I'm standing up for what I believe and what I know J is not a monster or an animal, he is simply and man with a drug addiction. I know that if J was sober throughout our relationship we would still be together and December wouldn't have happened.

I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.

Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.

I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!

These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.