Puppy Love

Well T and I got a puppy, her name is Lola and she's two and a half years old. She's a red nose pit bull mix and a rescue dog. She was saved by this amazing family who run a non-profit organization out of their home in Stockton. T had been searching for weeks on craigslist and other adoption sites and we saw a lot of dogs. But he wanted to get a rescue after seeing some puppies in an ad to trade an iPhone for a puppy. We decided that even though it was a far drive that "Finding a Best Friend Abandoned Animal Rescue" was the place we would find our puppy. The two women who run this non-profit organization are seriously inspirational. They care for every single dog they rescue; they were willing to meet us halfway, answered any and every questions we had and have, stressed that they wanted to have updates on Lola, and the most amazing thing they did was lend us Lola's crate that they had so she could adapt easily, vitamins to help her immune system for the change of environment, and a bag of food to hold us over for a few days. What stands out to me about them is their a family working together, and the daughter who seemed to be around my age was the one who started it and her mother supported her through it. 

Lola was used for breeding and then dumped at a Stockton park, a few witnesses said they saw Lola try to get back in the car with the man who was dumping her, but he kicked her until she was unconscious. She was left for dead by the bus stop and people called the pound to pick up a dead dog. Somehow she regained consciousness and was roaming around the park. There were reports of people hazing Lola and allowing their dogs to chase and attack her at the park. She was picked up by the police and handed over to the pound (who gave her three days) but luckily one of the officers was and active advocate of "Finding a Best Friend Abandoned Animal Rescue" and contacted them since they had been trying to catch Lola for a few weeks while she was at the park. 

We drove to Stockton to meet Lola and another dog, Tia, who we were also interested in, but when we met Lola we knew she was gunna be our puppy. The first thing she did when we met was kiss both T and I on the face, we were told that she wasn't much of a kisser. Well that has definitely changed; I can't greet her without getting my face cleaned. It amazes me how much of a lovebug she is after all she has been through. She loves to cuddle between T and I, she knows who her mommy and daddy are. 

I feel like I can connect with Lola and a lot of rescue dogs because of what abuse she and I have been through, yet we are both still open to love and are lucky to have T in our lives. Without T I don't even want to think about how my life would be, he has been my rock for a while now and even though we have had our fights we move forward and grow. Getting Lola has definitely brought us closer even though I've gotten a bit jealous and mad at T I think we do make a good team to give Lola the life she deserves to have. 

On another note, I was one Facebook the other day and saw an article my cousin posted called Marriage Isn't For Me. T has mentioned that he doesn't think marriage is for him so I clicked on it out of curiosity. And its quite inspirational, whether you are a man or woman, the fatherly advice in this article is perfect for anyone with cold feet before getting married or questioning if their significant other is the right one. Anyways here is the link for the article check it out. 

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

For todays post I decided to pick the song "Never Again" by Nickleback, its a song about domestic violence and how a woman shouldn't have to go through it and what not. And how the woman in the song would never have to go through it ever again. Lola and I will never feel the abuse we have been through, T won't let that happen to us. 

Bit of Happiness

Things between T and I have been a bit rocky, until the other day. We both had profiles on a social network that is like a dating version of facebook. I had a lot of insecurities about what he was doing on it and it caused a lot of fighting between us. But yesterday when I was checking his profile I couldn't find it. Me being me I automatically think he blocked me, but he told me he deleted his profile because of how stressed it makes me. (I deleted mine shortly after)

I'm not sure what this means and where this leads us, but I am a lot happier and it is a big weight off my shoulders. But I'm scared that he thinks I'm pressuring him into a relationship. I don't want him thinking that I'm selfish because I want a relationship with him. It's hard for me not to react the way I do sometimes. I'm scared that I've let him in and I'm vulnerable again.

After J I shut down my heart and feelings to any and all male attention. I swore I was never gunna let my walls down and I wouldn't let any guy in. But after a few months of hanging out with T my walls started cracking, and they are finally down to the point I've let him in. I'm terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm scared to tell him I love him and I keep thinking in my head when to tell him. I say in my head all the time but I'm scared to tell him. I'm scared cause what if he doesn't want me to love him? What if he doesn't love me back? I know he has said it when he was intoxicated a while back. But now when I'm actually in love with him I'm scared to say it. I almost feel guilty for saying it cause I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. 

For this post I decided to pick the song "Distance" by Christina Perri featuring Jason Mraz. T and I have been seeing each other for almost eight months now (that's longer than some of my official relationships). I'm always wondering how long until he will let me in, if he will let me in. I can only stay here waiting, but at least we are moving forward and not apart. 

Giving up

I don't think I can do this anymore, I don't want to smother T but I don't want him talking to all these other girls. I think he made a new Skype account and is just being a camera whore with these other girls and I guess some would argue it's just online but in any case it's a sexual act and I just don't like it. He always argues that we aren't in a relationship and we aren't but is it so bad that I want one with him? Why is he the only one who doesn't see that? 

I feel like I'm just a toy he likes to play with, he tries to assure me he feels the same way but actions always speak louder than words. Clearly we don't agree on what is right and wrong, I don't know anymore. I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm his entertainment and when I'm not here he has no problem finding other girls to entertain him. I don't think I can do this I think I need to just realize me and t are only going to be friends and I need to start looking for someone who will appreciate me. 

I thought that finding older guys would mean they are more mature and up front about things but I guess I was wrong. I wish I could just find someone who realizes what he has. I just feel like I've been investing my everything in whatever kind of relationship me and t have and I've been getting a half ass appreciation (if any). 

I'm not going to include a song today because I'm writing on my cell phone but if you want to look up on YouTube my song for today would have been confidence by Joe dub I've gained a lot of confidence and I only have more to gain and I'm starting to stand up for myself and soon enough ain't nobody gunna stop me. 

New Semester

Sunday 8/18:
School starts tomorrow and I'm super excited. It's just another step to finishing my AA and starting a new chapter in my life. I'm finally moving forward with my life and I'm truly excited about my future for the first time of my life. I'm gunna miss the summer fun and all my adventure time with T but I'm sure we will find time to squeeze in an adventure or two. 

T and I have been working on spending some time apart here and there and I think school is gunna help me with that a lot. I don't know what it is I just get stressed out sometimes over things he thinks I shouldn't worry about. But when my feelings are hurt how am I just supposed to brush it off and not let him know? Am I just supposed to let him walk all over me?

Tuesday 8/20:
After meeting with my Interpersonal Communication teacher and learning about her teaching view, I got really excited for this semester. I wanted to take the class to work on me as a person and last semester I met this teacher outside of class and I wanted to take her class since she was always so alert with her students even after their class was over and my class was moving into the room. 

One big thing I found was that she has done Communication research with incarcerated men and how the general population views them. It's gunna be something I want to discuss with her, even if J and I will never be together romantically I'm still interested in such things because of what I've been through. I wish the best for J and for his sake I hope he chooses a sober life and hopefully he can get help for whatever else was the cause of his violence. He would make a great husband one day if he only knew how to deal with somethings. 

Even though it only been two days since school started I can tell its gunna help with T and I's relationship because I seem calmer and not so anxious when I come over. I'm not questioning everything he does when I'm not there anymore and it's been a great distraction. I've been trying to condition myself to not getting made so quickly at him, but it's definitely not easy. 

One thing that I have been annoyed with is he keeps reminding me he doesn't want a relationship. And he should know I get that by now but if he can't realize I'm not gunna wait around for him to figure out what he wants cause I finally know what I want and I'm wanting to move forward with my love life whether or not its with him. It sounds harsh but I feel like I've invested a lot in this and I'm starting to feel things for him and it hurts every time he says he just doesn't want a relationship because no matter what he says or what everyone else says I hear I don't want a relationship with you. I've been hurt before I fell hard for a guy and he only strung me on to leave me at a Safeway in Menlo Park crying. Or the guy that strung me on for years giving me hopes of a relationship only to find another girl he found more fitting for the girlfriend title. I'm done with this game guys play, sure girls play it too and I used to be one of those girls but after J, even during J my girlfriend thought mentality changed. 

So I decided to pick the song "Cups (When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick one because it's always stuck in my head and the beat puts me in a good mood. And two because I have a feeling if I can't handle being the side chick for T and I leave, I'm pretty sure he's gunna miss me. He's gunna have reminders, including the bed he sleeps in. I hope it doesn't end that way cause I know I'd miss him too. 

What Am I Doing Here?

Probably a question you should be able to answer with no problem when it comes to your significant other. But If T can be considered as my significant other, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm so confused with him. He says I take things too personal, but what if he's the one being inconsiderate? I guess I can't really get mad at him cause of the stressed fact that he doesn't want anything serious. 

I think it might be time to walk away, but how? How do I walk away when I know its gunna hurt. At this point I kinda want to just tell him look I'm falling for you and if you aren't gunna catch me tell me now so I can brace myself for the crash. 

I've been depressed for the past few days. Doesn't help that he's a bit depressed too. Maybe that's why I've become depressed, we all know how misery loves company. I just hate being that company until he's back on his feet then finds some other girl that he finds more attractive or whatever. It happened many times to me and you know I'm just sick of it. 

School starts in less than a week and I can't wait for the distraction. Also finally got some much needed answers about my Diversion Program. Hopefully in a few more days I will have some answers about getting my record expunged. And on top of school hopefully I'll be able to get a job at Applebee's. Even though things with T are starting to get questionable I know that my own future is finally looking up and right now that's really all I need to worry about. 

For today's post I decided to pick the song "Walk Away" by Olivia. When I listen to the lyrics it's like she's speaking about me and my situation right now with T. I feel like I need to walk away but I just can't, there's something holding me back. I wish that he would just see what I see when I look at him. 

Outta the rut

School is just around the corner. And I feel like I've been in a rut for the longest time. I'll be 23 years old in December with and AA in Spanish. I've been thinking about going to Boston Reed like a couple of my girlfriends have, but I have decided which program. And I feel like I'm finally breaking out of my rut that I've been in since High School. 

Since my Diverson Program is over I'm starting to look for places to apply for a job. Luckily one of my best friends is putting in a good word for me at her work. It's been almost two years since I've had a job. I've definitely learned my lesson though, cause I don't ever wanna end up behind bars and I really don't know how much more my parents could take. I think if I screw this up I'll be picked off the family tree, but who could blame them. I only hope that from this day on I make my family proud of me. 

I've always felt like the black sheep in the family. Seems like everyone in the family is so successful and then there's me. The one that just doesn't seem to fit. Don't get me wrong I know my family loves me and I'm pretty sure they know I love them too. But it just seems I let down the family the most. It's almost expected of my to let them down. And I want to break that reputation but is what I've done so far forgivable?

I've been having the same nightmare lately. It's just flashbacks really but they feel so real. I get scared to sleep at times. T has said that I jump in my sleep and make noises. Sometimes I wake up in sweat or tears. It's frustrating. 

On a positive note things between T and I have been great. I still get mad but I've been trying not to flip out as much. We've been doing a lot of active stuff and it's been a blast and I wish my summer could last forever. But I've been scared to tell him how I feel cause I know he doesn't want anything serious. I'm scared that my feelings are a lot stronger than his feelings and I don't even know if he's gunna want a relationship anytime soon or if he was serious about the two years. He said that pretty much all his past girlfriends have asked him out, and I'm just not that kind of girl. I don't know I like it when the guy asks me and plus I feel like I can't ask T out cause he's told me he wants to be single for a while. 

I chose the song "Marilyn" by G-Eazy for todays post because I don't know if these feelings for T are love but they are really strong but what if its just not right. What if we just met at the wrong time in our lives? Everyone says I need to not think about the "what-ifs" but that seems to be the only thoughts that consume my mind at times. But I know at this point I will be alright eventually if it doesn't work out. I mean if I can make it through what happened with J, I think I can handle whatever T has in store for me. 

What to do?

I hate that I have so many feelings for T cause I know he's not ready for a relationship and he wants to be single. And it hurts to be the one on the side. Just here when he wants at his own convenience. Here I am hoping that if I continue doing all these things for him he will eventually actually be ready for a relationship. I just wish I didn't have to go through all this questioning. I'm getting so frustrated with things. With my mind overwhelmed with T I haven't thought of J in a long time. 

I've been frustrated with T it's his birthday tomorrow and I wanted to make him feel special but it just seem like he's not happy. It's frustrating that all that I do for him is nothing. I don't get it. But with tomorrow being his birthday all I can do is bite my tounge and pretend not to be so hurt. 

School is starting in a few weeks and I can't wait. Maybe it will give me some time to think and just get away. I need to just get some space but when I get that space I'm stressed cause I know what he's doing while I'm gone. It's just ugh I don't know, I've never been this stuck. I care a lot about T but lately I feel like he could care less about me. 

Maybe I am just the one on the side for him. I'm just a piece of ass when he wants it. I'm the company he misses. It sucks cause I don't want to be the one on the side I want to be the one by his side. But in the end I'm getting hurt from this and I'm starting to fall back into my depression, well maybe more like worthless. I just wish I could be enough for him. 

I chose the song "Good Enough" by Evanescence because I think I'm good enough for T but I feel like he doesn't think the same. Am I good enough for T? Or could I even be too good for him? Maybe I deserve someone who will actually appreicate everything I do for him. 

Dreamland

Dreams, we all have them even if we can't remember them or don't want to remember them in the morning. Most of the time my dreams I don't remember in the morning, but some of them are so realistic I have a hard time separating them from reality. It's weird how most of the dream I do remember are the one's with J, but this one was different from the usual. 

I was walking with someone, a guy, I think his name was Andrew, and I see J with some girl. I see he has an ankle bracelet and has gained age and weight. As I attempted to introduce Andrew, my boyfriend?, I stubble on his name and clearly Andrew gets pissed and introduces himself. Then J introduces the girl, name was not caught, and that's when I woke up. I guess it's my head playing out scenarios of what will happen when J and I meet again, if we ever do. 

On another note things with T and me are pretty good for the most part. I need to learn to controol my temper and not flip out so much but our communication is getting a bit better. I'm kind of excited for school to start because I'll be taking Interpersonal Speech and one of my friends told me it help her learn better ways to communicate with people. This semester is kind of a fun semester. It should be my last semester until I figure out what to do after my AA, but I'm taking two classes and they are both "fun" classes. This semester is about building a better me.

For today's post I picked "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot because I feel like people have been waiting and watching for my next move after J. I have changed a bit since everything with J but I feel like there's still a huge change that needs to be made. Maybe my move is finding moving on into a relationship with someone else, finishing with school and getting my career, or moving out of California. I don't know what my huge move will be, but I'm excited to see it and I'm not gunna let anyone hold me back this time.

Father's Hurtful Words

It's no secret that my father and I don't get along very well, and often get in fights. Well today was no different, what I thought was just a trip to the store became an intervention on how much I fail at life. I'm 22 years old with no idea with what career I want, but I'm only a semester away from my AA in Spanish. I have a few ideas as where I want to go from there but I haven't made a solid decision yet. Yet all my father sees is me wasting my life away running around. 

With August just around the corner that means my Diversion Program will be over, but I'm still a bit confused as to what happens after that. I was told that my record could be cleaned after I complete the Diversion Program, but I'm not sure if I have to take farthur actions. I understand my father's concerns but he needs to learn how to communicate better. I'm sick of feeling belittled by him. 

Things with T and I are doing better we are communicating better for the most part, I need to work on telling him why I'm mad versus just running away from our arguements. We had one fight about me feeling unwanted and how much I hate that he doesn't cuddle with me. But I mean I guess there are people who really don't cuddle and T just happens to be one of them. But after our arguement he did cuddle with me more, so it's nice to see him trying. And it reassures me that he does care and even if we aren't in a relationship he's still willing to compromise. So now I have to compromise and stop being so bipolar. 

I'm not bipolar but there are a lot of things that run through my mind and I often don't share them. Sometimes my thoughts can make me really angery and I flip out. For someone who can't read my mind I might come off as bipolar. There are clearly communication skills I need to work on myself because when I get upset my automatic response is to to shut down then flip out. Not effective at all I know, but its been how I deal with things for years. But as I grow I'm learning to comunicate better. 

I chose the song "Perfect" by Simple Plan, I used to be obsessed with them in middle school. This song has always been one of my favorites because of how close it relates to me sometimes. Of course I want to make my parents proud of me and I realize I haven't done a great job at it so far, but I am trying. Can't they see that? 

My Little Green Monster

My jealousy is gunna get me in trouble one day. I keep picking fights with T about all these girls he talks to and I guess I need to grow up a bit. But it just makes me uncomfortable cause we aren't together so I don't know what he's looking for in these girls. I've been a jealous girlfriend ever since I started dating (clearly I have some insecurities I need to work out), but right now with T has been some of the worse jealousy I've felt. 

We've been able to work things out every time and I've realized I need to stop giving him crap for something that he has apologized and explained and hasn't repeated. There are a few things I need to work on personally before I can get into a relationship. Although I know I'm close to being ready for a relationship again. I want a relationship but to get into one while I still think about J is just not right. 

My thoughts of J are less common and less happy. I think I'm finally realizing how much we can't work out and how much I need to protect myself right now. He broke me there's no denying that; I'm a damaged girl but I'm healing. Slowly but surely I will show everyone just how strong I really am. 

Maybe for right now what me and T have is just what we both need. Nothing serious but someone there. I care about him and I hope he see that. It's nice to have someone who is completely honest even if sometimes it hurts. And really even if we aren't titled or what not it's been good to have him around, in a way he's helped me realize that there are guys out there who wouldn't hit a woman, no matter what. He's helped me grow. Weridly enough I've been seeing T longer than I dated J. 

I chose "That Sunset" by The Lonely Biscuits, I found these guys a few months ago on YouTube and fell inlove instantly. The guy (Pitter) who does the chorus has an amazing voice. And the vibes I get from their songs is so chill. And Gravy, the guy who does the "rapping" has such a good flow. But this song kinda reminds me to just relax and chill, not stress so much.

Feeling Foolish

It's no secret I'm a jealous person when it comes to my significant other, but I think I need to start working on not being so jealous. I stress myself out too much because of how jealous I can get over some of the smallest things. On top of that it's hard for me to get over things; I try not to hold grudges but it sometimes I just can't let go of somethings. My jealousy has been going crazy with T. 

T recently got an account to a website (which I have an account to as well, and he used to make fun of me for having) and well it's got me kinda bothered. I guess I can't be too mad since I have one too. But he seems to feel the need to sneak around on it... he seems to only go on when I'm asleep or gone. We've had an arguement about something that happened with one of the girls from the site and ever since then I've questioned his motives on the site. My fear of being replaced really kicks in here. 

I've been thinking about deleting my account because I feel like my jealouy goes crazy when I look at his profile and all these chicks. But if I delete it will he delete his? I doubt it and I don't even think I want to think about asking him about that. 

Still haven't been to therapy in a while, but I've been managing a bit better. I still think I need to go back though, but my therapist is on vacation. She's been in contact though, bless her heart. 

I chose "Foolish" by Ashanti because well lately i've noticed even after all the stress and jealousy I go through because of T, I still hang out with him everyday. He's become my best friend but I still feel like I can't talk to him about somethings. 

Great Night

T and I had a great night, I finally felt that attractiviness I needed to feel from him. It was nice to have it just be the two of us and just relaxing together. I wish we could have these nights more often. 

I'm excited for what we have planned tomorrow. Early morning beach trip to watch the sunrise and hopefully see some awesome wildlife. I've noticed how we have good days and bad days like every "couple" has, and I just need to remember the good days when we are having a bad day. He is a great guy, he's honest (as far as I know) and he's real. I don't know how else to say it T just says what he thinks whether or not it offends me. But when it come to him talking about J, I understand the misunderstanding of my feelings for J. I've learned to stop comparing T to J cause in the end T is the better man.

Well today's post is short but I chose the song "Space Love" by Poetik not cause it means anything I just really like it. I've been listening to a lot of T's music, which I enjoy since I love discovering new music and new bands. 

Frustrated

I officially know what it's like to be the guy who is denied sex every night. I've been aroused for the last three days and I've been staying at T's but every time I try to make my move he either moves away, doesn't seem interested, or just tries to make up an excuse. He's a guy shouldn't he be into this stuff? I just don't get it. This really isn't helping my insecurities either... nor my moodiness.

I just don't know what to do... do I keep trying and keep getting denied? Or do I just give up and tell T we should just be friends (without the benefits)? It's hard when I like him and he claims he likes me but is it the truth or is it just what he thinks I want to hear? I just don't know anymore. I used to be so confident in my intuition on people but after J I haven't had much confidence in anything. 

Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking, stop stressing, stop over analyzing every little thing. But I don't have that comfort anymore. I don't have that warm feeling. It's was there but now it's gone and I don't know if it's going to come back. Maybe when things are not so much in the air with everything; maybe then I can just relax and not be so stressed. But with how confusing things can be in this type of a situation I don't see myself relaxing anytime soon. But I should have known better I've never been good with the whole "friends with benefits" or "fuck buddies" or "cuddle buddies" or whatever you call someone who isn't your boyfriend. I get too attached and my jealousy comes out ESPECIALLY when there's other girls that he's talking to. 

I chose the song "Chill" by Blake Shelton for today's post because I need to just chill. I need to take a break from my stress and just relax somewhere with an iced cold beer and no worries. By the end of this summer I hope to have things a bit more straightened out in my life and know where I stand with T. 

Stress Stress Stress I need a REST

Well I finally figured out that I do still need therapy, haven't been in a while and lately I've been moody and I've been highly emotional. I need to work on a lot of things individually before I can think farther with T. Although T and I have reached a rough patch due to my moodiness and other things. We don't see eye to eye on one thing and I guess it's set us back even though we aren't together, seems like neither of us wants to give into the other. I'm a highly jealous person and that's something I've been trying to work on but it's been hard with T testing it with these online chicks. 

Although T and I talked things out a bit, it seemed like we pretty much agreed to disagree. I'm a damaged person there's no doubt about that, everything that happened with J fucked me up and unfortunately T has been paying for it. I've been trying to trust his word of his honesty but it's been hard when I just don't trust ANY man. T and I had a talk about J, which has brought me to questioning where I stand with J. 

I've started to hate J again. Like I said earlier everything that happened with J fucked me up. I over think every little detail, I stress myself out on something I shouldn't stress about, and I'm pushing away someone who I care about. I'm scared; scared to lose T and I don't think he even cares whether or not I'm near him. I feel like if I walked away he wouldn't even try to fight for me because he'd be too busy finding my replacement. Sometimes I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore; like he's tired of me, I'm old news. Maybe that's why he's been talking to all these girls. Oh well he's tired with this toy and wants a new shiny, big breasted bitch. UGH.

I chose "Chasin' Echoes" by Gravy and the Biscuits (AKA The Lonely Biscuits). I love the vocals in this song especially the chorus. But the message of the song is something I want to start focusing on and that's me. I need to start focusing on what I want to do with my life, not who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I'm always stressing myself out over things that I shouldn't be stressed about. I'm great at putting ideas in my own head and psyching myself out. I need to stop stressing and start living.

Keeping It Cool

Man has it been hot lately, but the nice weather makes it perfect for adventures to new places. Been enjoying my time with T even though I get a bit mad sometimes I've been trying to keep my cool cause after all I'm still not over J. I have been talking to another guy but lets get real here I need to keep my cool and I don't think I can get mixed up with all these guys. Although I've had a crush on the guy since we met but I was dating his friend at the time. Plus T has reassured me of some things and even though I'm kinda awkward when it comes to talks and confrontations I'm glad he said something cause even though I think I know him I might not... I mean I thought I knew J but clearly I didn't. 

I've been having really bad headaches lately, never had them this bad before; might just be the stress I've been causing myself. 

I wish I could erase my memories of J, all of them, just erase him from my mind and heart. Maybe then I wouldn't be so confused. But these wishes are pointless because what happened happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. I hate that my heart still drops when I think of J and my stomach still flutters when I see a picture of him. I hate that I love a man who almost took my life. I should hate him, I should want him to rot in prison. 

I just need to take a break from things get away from life and take a vacation away from my troubles. But then I'd be driving myself crazy with the thoughts in my mind. I wish there was a way to stop thinking I try to distract myself with various things but that only works momentarily. I just need a new scenery, new faces. 

I chose the song "Clarity" by Zedd ft. Foxes because it reminds me of how I feel about J. Our relationship is insanity but he was my clarity. He's a piece of my past that I wish I could let go and move on from but he's the only guy who has made me feel like I'm actually alive and living for a reason. It doesn't make sense to me that a guy who is so "dangerous" for me is one of the only guys I feel safe with.

Summertime

Summer break is officially here and I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I've been having good days and bad days and unfortunately more bad than good. I've been having a fight with myself for a weeks now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting way too attached to T and I don't know what he's wanting out of our relationship. I'm so confused and its hard to actually talk to him about things because I'm scared he'll leave me. 

My therapist keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about T leaving me cause he's probably not the one anyways. I don't blame her cause I really don't see myself settling down with T but at this point I don't see myself settling with anyone. I've been getting frustrated with him lately too. It's been hard to control my emotions I haven't snapped or really acted mad at T until last night. Maybe he was able to sense my anger but when he asked I couldn't explain why I was mad. 

I cried myself to sleep last night in his bed while he lied there asleep and unaware. I mean the dude fell asleep while we were trying to have intercorse. How great is that supposed to make me feel? I'm falling apart and I feel like no one can see it happening and I'm scared to let people know.  

Well after a few weeks I've finally put my head to rest and accepted the fact that T and I will only be friends with benefits. And though I might have some feelings for him I'm going to have to keep them to myself for now. I've been talking to other guys lately and starting to think about dating more. I've had the opportunities but for some reason I haven't taken them.

I've started missing J again. I feel like its gunna be this way for a while, and maybe even my whole life. It's like I can't stop loving him even when I hate him. But maybe he's just that forbidden fruit. I don't know. I know it's been a year and a half though, halfway through the no contact order. I don't know what's going to happen when J gets out of prison... I wonder if he'll try to contact me or find me. I wonder if he still thinks about me. These are probably some things I shouldn't be thinking about. I worry about him in a disgustingly sick way. When his sister posts sad status' on Facebook I often wonder if they are about him. 

I pick a song that I've loved for years now. It's been my go to song for break ups but J brings this song to a whole new level. Our relationship might have been short (and clearly unhealthy), but it was the first relationship I could see myself marrying the guy (of course this was before the drugs and when he was sober). Anyways the song is call "I Can't Unlove You" by Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Roger's voice and this song brings a chill to my spine and tears to my eyes, every time and I mean EVERY TIME.

Intoxicated Love

Well T is back from Switzerland and I was so excited to pick him up from the airport. He gave me a few gifts, including a Switzerland bell heart for my keys so I wouldn't lose them. But lately when we drink and he gets too drunk, he says those three small words "I love you." But it's only when he drinks does he say it. I've been telling myself just ignore it, it means nothing, but then people are trying to tell me when you're drunk some of the things you can't say sober come out. But that doesn't mean he means it. 

With T saying things he doesn't mean, my emotions have been going all over the place. I'm quiet around him and I can't think straight. It's annoying. I need to work on my communication skills because if I don't I only see myself going crazy. I wish that talking to him, or any guys, was easier; but since J men have been a lot more complicating. 

I sometimes wonder if everything I do for a guy will ever be enough. I feel like T just doesn't appreciate all that I do for him. And it sucks cause I'm working my ass off to make something happen that probably never gunna happen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my happiness has been gone lately. 

Summer is just around the corner though. So hopefully the summertime can bring me back to my chipper self and remind me that life's a beach... not a bitch. I have a feeling I'm gunna be doing a lot of changes during the summer and hopefully those changes will help me figure out where mine and T relationship should go and whether or not I'm even ready for a relationship. 

Well I picked two songs today, the first one is "Love Drunk" by Boys like Girls and the second one is "Unappreciated" by Cherrish. 

Love Drunk:
I chose this song because of T's accidently slip of three words that should mean a lot but don't mean shit when he can only say them while intoxicated. And it's always awkward when he's drunk and I'm as sober as a nun. Lyrics of the part that stick out to me: (All the time I wasted on you, All the bullshit you put me through, Checking into rehab cause everything that we had, Didn't mean a thing to you)

Unappreciated:

I chose this song because of the lack of appreciation I feel from T and well a lot of guys I've been with. Granted I know I didn't appreciate some of the great guys I've dated (back in high school) but I've learned since. I used to love this song in high school, it's kind of a throwback for me. I feel like T and I had a very quick honeymoon stage cause I feel like there's not much of a spark on his side anymore. This may be TMI for some but it seems like he's not even wanting to have intercourse anymore... just wants me to get him off and leave me all hot and heavy. (sorry mom... and other possible family members)

So Lonely

T is in Switzerland and I've been so bored. I'm taking care of his brother's cat while they are away and I feel like a crazy cat lady. It's been weird not hanging out with him every day but I guess its good that we are getting some time apart. We've been talking every day so it's not like I don't get to communicate with him. I've been thinking a lot about venturing off to other guys while he is gone, but I just haven't really taken the chances that have come up. I don't want to be that easy girl anymore. I used to cheat on my boyfriends and even though me and T aren't together I know that if I found out he was messing around with other girls I wouldn't be happy. 

On top of T being gone, J's birthday is tomorrow; his second birthday in prison. I miss how easy things were with J. My therapist keeps trying to encourage me to confront T with some things that bother me, but it's hard for me to confront T. With J everything was so natural like we could read each others minds and feelings (granted we had to be sober for that kind of communication); but with T it's only me reading his mind and him being clueless. I don't know if it's because I'm putting too much into our relationship or if he's just not very good at learning people. 

I came to realize that when J and I got together I was in such a great place before and that's why our relationship was growing so fast (or at least that's my theory). But now with T I'm not in a great place in my life, so things seem to be a bit more confusing. 

For todays post I chose "Doing Too Much" by Paula Deanda because I feel like I've been doing too much for T and getting a lot less back. I'm always wondering if he's really into me or if what he's saying is true. I feel like I'm chasing a fantasy. 

I Just Don't Know

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I finally admit it. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my life and I hate it. Things with T and I are so back and forth, good and bad. I guess that's the way it is with every relationship no matter what kind it is; but it's been very bipolar lately. I don't know if I did something wrong or something to turn him away but it sure feels that way. Some days its like he can't keep his hands off and other days its like he can't stand being within two feet from me. And lately its been more of the latter; even though I've been trying to do tons of things for him. It seems like I've found yet another guy that I can never make fully happy. 

With T acting that way and distancing himself has made my decision of moving on to other guys easier than I thought. I still have actually done anything but talk with other guys but sooner or later I think T is just gunna be strictly a friend. I have feelings for him, but I don't think there are reciprocated. I'm tired of being the girl who does too much for a guy who does too little. I don't want to be underappreciated anymore. I used to be a crazy girlfriend and very controlling but since then (high school) I've changed into a woman but can't seem to find a real MAN. 

I miss the way things were with J. I knew he loved me and cared because he showed it. I'm sure you're thinking "how? he almost killed you" but like I've said many times in this blog J was a great man with a bad habit. If he wasn't an addict J and I would probably still be  together happy planning our futures together. It's hard to realize what happened has happened and neither of us can take it back no matter how badly we want. 

Well I chosed "Do I" by Luke Bryan because it's exactly what I've been thinking about. Do I make T happy? Do I still love J? Does he still love me? Do I need to move on? Do I hold onto J or T? I've been confused before but this feels like I'm drowning and lately no one has been there to throw me a lifesaver... but then again I've been pushing everyone away in attempts to get T attached to me. Clearly, a big mistake since I've been pushing the people who love me away for a guy who won't even pay attention to me.

UGH

I hate that I miss him, I hate that I still think of him and I hate that he still has a part of my heart. It's wrong to love or care for someone who did what he did to me. It's so hard to deal with this; at times I find myself wanting to just walk away. Just pack up my bags and leave everything here behind. But no matter how much I would run, my memories would follow me everywhere. It's hard to escape when the place you want to escape from is your own mind.

It's like no matter what I do and how much I try to move on from J something is still pulling me back and not letting me let go. I finally have some anger built up towards J, yet a part of my stupid heart holds onto him. It doesn't help when I see pictures of him on his sister's Facebook from visiting him. Maybe its a bit of jealousy that I feel or just I don't know. It's hard to move on from someone who I thought was the one. I fought so hard to hold onto him and I still don't know if he's holding on to me still.

On another note, I've been rethinking things over with T. I don't feel happy when I'm around him anymore. Part of it is cause I feel like I'm second when it comes to his Facebook. I know he talks and flirts with other girls, but really does he have to do it when I'm sitting right there? I mean TALK TO ME!!! Maybe that's my inner woman just wanting attention, and perhaps a bit of jealousy. But I'm trying to cope with my jealousy cause I don't want to get hurt so I want to start detaching myself from him, which seems to be harder than I thought. Maybe secretly I like the challenge? I don't know... all I know is it's causing me stress and I don't want stress in my life.

I chose "Like We Used To" by A Rocket to the Moon, because I do take T to places me and J went and I can't help but think back to those times. It's hard to let go of someone you fought for so long even when so many told me to let go. Maybe with time letting go won't seem so hard. They say time heals everything but sometimes I'm just too impatient.

Not So Special

So I have been comparing J and T, which I think is natural but I don't know. Anyways I still miss J sometimes because of how special he made me feel. I always felt like I was the only girl he ever wanted to be with; but with T it's different I feel insecure a bit (but I also have to keep in mind T and I are not in a committed relationship). 

I find myself wanting to part ways with T on some days, and maybe I should. I just feel like I'm getting attached to the kind of guy that's going to just break my heart. But then again what guy isn't going to? My therapist likes to refer to me as Codependent and I guess I can see it in my relationships. I drop everything and anything to do something for the guy I'm with/I like. I'm constantly looking for a way to help them to show them I care. And I build up this thought in my mind that they truly care for me as much as I do for them. Maybe I still need to grow as an individual more to be able to separate myself from my partners in life.

I chose "Only Girl In the World" by Rihanna for today's post and I think it's clear why. Even though I went through a scary and terrible experience with J; he's still one of the only guys who really made me feel special. I can be one crazy overprotective girlfriend and jealousy is a huge thing of mine but with J those insecurities rarely occurred. 

Slacking

Clearly I haven't been posting lately, I've been spending a lot of time with T, almost every day. It's been routine lately. I feel like I use him to escape from my house. Things between my dad and I have always been rough but lately its like we can't even talk without getting into an argument. I admit it has to do with my attitude towards him and I don't agree with some things he does. I hope with time and age I can develop better way to communicate with him.

Things between T and I are well I'm not sure I guess we are still just friends but we have become closer and we do couple things together. He still introduces me as a friend and I tell people he's just a friend but my emotions are telling me otherwise. I didn't want to make things with T serious and I'm still not sure if I will but its more of a possibility now.

J is still in my heart but not nearly as much. I recently found pictures of what I looked like after the whole thing with J and it's scary to see that girl in the picture. I cry when I see that girl in the picture, because I know what she was thinking then. I loved J there's no doubt about that but I'm not sure he loved me. How could someone in love do such a thing to the one they love?

I chose to put the song "The Art of Being Pulled Apart" by Jellyfish Brigade because my heart has been pulled apart many times and I've pieced it together just to have it pulled apart again. But every break, every scar, and every bad memory holds a lesson. I've become someone I can say I'm truly proud to be. I love even when its seems like the whole world is against me. 

I also wanted to share my other blog I started with some of my photography. If you're interested check it out here.

A week

It's been a week since I've had a cigarette. I've been wanting to quit for a while and I've made numerous attempts before, but failed. It's been a long hard week, but it's all mind over matter. Addiction is all a mind game, and I can beat it. 

On another note, I went down to Southern California last weekend for my cousin's baby's first birthday. It was a blast to say the least. The long 8 hour drive was well worth holding that cute baby boy. 

Been taking more pictures lately, getting into photography and capturing the right moment. It's fun to use my creative side and see that people enjoy it as much as I do. T has been helping a bit with understanding my camera and getting the right angles. Some people are getting the wrong impression with T and I though. We are still only friends, and it will probably stay that way. I don't know it's weird we act like we're together but we're both attached to someone who we can't have. Things between T and I have actually become awkward a bit. I don't know what it is, maybe it's because we've been spending so much time together.

With things being awkward with T and I, my thoughts of J are starting to come back. It was nice to have a moment to somewhat forget what happened. I feel like a part of me is always going to hold onto J. 

I picked "Lips of An Angel" by Hinder for today's post because I would love to hear J's voice again. I just want to hear him say my name and tell me that everything will be okay (even though I'm not sure things ever will be okay again). I sometimes lay in T(new guy) and I find myself thinking of J(ex bf), I often fall asleep there thinking it's J wrapping his arms around me. 

Chubby Face

So I saw a more recent picture of J, and man does he look sober. He's gained weight, grown some weird facial hair and looks like he's finally finding peace in his life. It's nice to know that he has been actually working on his sobriety and to what it looks like has been clean. I wish I could visit him. Seeing him sober in the picture and seeing him look so much better makes my heart sink. My emotions are high today and it sucks cause it's my best friend's birthday but I really don't feel like doing anything but hiding in bed. 

As much as I'm in pain I need to continue going on with my life. I need to keep focus on getting through my school work and doing what makes me happy. I have to know that J is getting better, it kind of gives me a bit of closure. 

Even though I've been spending time with T, J has been creeping in my mind again. For a while he was only a memory but although T makes me feel great I feel the spark fading. I still feel the warmth from the spark J gave me. I feel like T and I  are using each other in a way... both using the other to escape from missing someone else. 

Anyways I'm not the biggest Justin Bieber fan, but I do like some of his songs. I picked "Nothing Like Us" on of his newer songs. 

Life's a Beach

And I'm just playing in the sand. Been spending more time with T, the new guy, and we some how find our way to a beach often. He's a photographer so he took some awesome pictures, I attached one of me. The beach has been a great place to relax and let everything go. I've been on top of my school work enough to make time to relax. I feel so at peace with myself, and T just adds a little skip to my step. But I've been distancing myself from him because I just can't get close to a guy right now. I'm still not stable enough for that. But T is a great friend and we have fun hanging out at the beach. 

My Valentine's Day in the Marin Headlands.

Valentine's Day was just another day, spent the afternoon at the beach with T, this picture was taken that day. Secretly did a lot of soul searching on the beach. Listening to the calm waves crash, watching the water rise and fall. The beach has always been my home away from home. I love the water. Even though the sand is quiet annoying, I love burying my feet in the wet sand. That day was beautiful too, sunny and surprisingly warm; the water was freezing though. I even faced a fear. There was a rock that was somewhat in the water and the waves hit it hard almost able to knock someone off the rock. Well I climbed on that rock and with fear in my heart T got some awesome pictures of that too. 

Facing my fears as they come.

Anyways today's song is "Some Beach" by Blake Shelton. Cause clearly I love the beach. It's the best stress reliever. With summer coming soon and the weather heating up, I'll probably be spending a lot more time at the beach or river, somewhere with water. Hope you're enjoying the weather as much as I am.

A taste of a new beginning

So I've been hanging out a lot with one of my guy friends and I wasn't sure about what he felt for me until he kissed me. And although I know that he and I are both not in a place for a relationship its nice to feel those butterflies again. I've been kind of surprised with my hope to find love again and how quickly I bounced back after J. Sure I still love and miss him and wish I could be with him but I need to face the facts and move on. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. My relationship/friendship with the new guy is gunna take it's time, cause I'm not over J and he just got out of relationship himself. Both going through transitions, just not wanting to be alone. It might just be perfect timing too since Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I hate Valentine's Day (even when I have a bf). I think it's stupid that people want an excuse to show the person they love that they love them... shouldn't they be doing that everyday? I mean sure I don't expect a guy to do everything that they are expected to do on Valentine's Day but it really is true, it's the little things that count. 

Although I'm crushing on the new guy, J will always be part of my life. He was my best friend and I could talk to him for hours about anything and everything. He knows me better than some of my friends do, but with everything that has happened and the time that has gone by I don't know if I can forgive him to the point of letting him have my heart again. I don't know if I'd be able to keep my strength if he comes back into my life. And I know the only way I'm gunna make my dreams happen is if I keep my strength and find those who add to it. 

It's been weird to have another guy on my mind more than J, maybe weird isn't the right word but it's definitely a change. I feel like I'm getting too ahead of myself here, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything. But I'm really comfortable around him and I haven't felt that comfort with any guy since J.

So I picked "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes for today's post because it's kinda nice to be wanted by someone else. It's nice to know I could move on and that I'm growing stronger and I guess in a way I'm growing apart from J. It's a hard thing to think about and I'm still VERY confused with what I'm going to do. But it's just nice to know that there are other guys out there who can make me feel wanted and beautiful. There are other guys who help me be the better me... the new guy actually helped me save a wild bird we found at Tennessee Valley Beach. Ever since this school semester started I've been getting into Biology and the wildlife, and the opportunity struck and I got to help the poor thing from death, literally chased away hawks and carried it 2 miles to the trail head to give to the Humane Society. Anyways I'm also including a picture of Ernie, the bird that we saved, you can see the injury on his neck.