Scared to be Judged

Growing up I was told to follow my heart, and was shown to never give up on the ones you love and care about. So why should I give up on J? I've been one to not really care what people think of me, until those people are my family and friends. I'm scared that everyone in my life will think less of me, that I'm weak, stupid, foolish. But love makes us weak in the knees, it makes us stupid at times and definitely makes us foolish. In the end no one can really tell me what to do with my life and no one can really give me the advise I have been desperately seeking, since no one knew the relationship J and I had better than we did. 

But do I put my life on pause because of this? Definitely not my school life, but my "love" life. Although right now its already non-existent. It's definitely less complicating when you're single and keeping to yourself, and Lord knows I definitely don't need anything to complicate things in my life any more than it already is. I don't know where my life will go and who I will be in the years to come. So I really don't know what will happen between J and I, and it kills me that all I can do is wait.

So I changed the video of the week, since while I was making my bed "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls came on, and well it just hit hard. Songs are written to help the artist connect to their fans, I feel like this song explains how I feel right now. 

I Won't Give Up

Once again a mutual friend of J and I has given me a bit of information about J. And it was great to hear but hard to hear. As if I wasn't confused before, it's even worse now. My heart says he was the one and my head is saying he's going to go back to the drugs again. But I don't want to believe that. I wish I could just rewind time and change his mind when he just kept pushing the drugs. But I can't. I don't know how my parents would feel if I told them how I truly feel about J. I know him better than they do and he's not an animal he is not a bad person. His heart is pure of love and dreams, but he was simply poisoned by the terrible drugs that have destroyed his life before and now again. 

Hearing the words that he said about me made me want to hate him because I miss him so much that for some reason it's not okay for him to miss me. It doesn't make sense, I should hate him, but I don't. I know that he is a good man but he has definitely complicated everything. I know I haven't moved on (tried that) since him and I've been making all kinds of excuses as to why. But recently it has hit me hard to know that I'm just not ready to let go of J. 

I know that a lot of people aren't going to agree with my decisions and my parents are probably going to be among those people, but I'm going to prove them wrong. I'm going to show them that J is a good man I'm going to show them I'm a strong person. I put my support in J and I'm not ready to give up on him. I know the man he can be sober and ladies and gents let me tell you, your mind will be blown to think that J would have ever done what he did in December. 

I've heard the remorse in his voice during court, I've heard the concern that he has when he talks about me to his friends, I know that we have a connection that no one ever could try to explain. It hurts to know that he, too, thought that we were meant to be for each other. It's tears me apart that he didn't realize that before. 

So what do I do at this point, do I take the risk of hurting my family to hold on to the one person who actually understands me. It's not only that he feels that way but I do too. I've felt that way since we met and it scared me to think about losing him and now that I've almost lost him I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to set my back on my family. Will they hate me? Disown me? Kick me out?

On a lighter note though, I have a few years before I really need to decided what to do with J. He's still going to be in prison for a few more years so I don't even know where I will be then. I might have forgotten all about J and moved on with someone and moved far away from California. Or I could still be here in California holding on to my past and hoping it will be my future again. I don't know where I will be, who I will be, or even if I'll be alive or around once J sees the outside walls again. But I will continue to focus on my individual life and my own career before even thinking about a relationship. So bring on a longer dry spell. 

So I decided that every post will have a music video of the song that is kinda that song of the week/post. This week it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Its pretty much explains itself and its pretty clear as to why I would pick it, but for those who are slower... I'm not giving up on J and I'm not giving up on me. I'm going to follow my heart, but listen to my morals and beliefs. 

Word I Couldn't Say

I was cleaning my room a bit the other day, organizing my desk and I found a letter that I wrote for J when we first started dating. The things I said in that letter (which I never did give to him) could have changed a lot of things, and maybe it could have saved our relationship. I've been trying hard not to think so much on the what if's and the what could have been, but after reading that letter I was ambushed by guilt and self-hatred. If only I wasn't such a coward, if only I could have just said the things, that I ever so effortlessly wrote on paper, to J everything in December might not have happened. 

If I was just able to tell him that I was in love with the guy he was when he was sober, I wish that I had that strength in myself to tell him that. Sometimes it's hard to stand up and follow your heart when its the one that you love who is going against what you believe in and want. I was very insecure when it came to J, I was scared that he would have used with someone else if I hadn't given in, maybe that should have been the red flag. I was scared to give him an ultimatum because I was sure if he would have picked me. 

I'm really into music, and I often say that it saved my life. Music moves me in a way that nothing else does. Sometimes I hear songs that just describe exactly how I feel, as I'm sure everyone else does. This song "Words I couldn't Say" by the Rascal Flatts is a song that has been on my playlist ever since December and I thought I would share it with you here.

Starting to Lose it Again

Lately, I've been slowly sinking back into the hole that I've finally gotten out of. I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again and it's because Winter is near. Winter has never been a good time for me, even though Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas are in Winter. Some call it seasonal depression, I call it the season of hell. Yet every year I make it out of Winter alive, ready to greet the New Year. I've gotten better and better at masking my pain, letting people walk all over me, and really questioning things. 

My grandma's health is not well, her kidneys are starting to fail... She will be the first VERY close person to me to pass. I'm not ready for that. I used to think that my grandma was immortal that she was an angel that was sent down into my life. So hearing that she doesn't have much time left isn't something I can comprehend. 

I've been focusing so much on school and getting good grades that I've forgotten to live life as well. Although I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished this year, I find myself still thinking I could have done better. 

I cried today for the first time in a long time. I was starting to think I was finally finding myself and finally doing well, but tonight I just don't feel it. Maybe it's just an off day for me but these kinds of nights are what causes me to stress so much. 

I'm starting to feel more alone than I have ever. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. I "broke up" with one of my "best" friends cause of the person she has changed into. Another friend thinks I'm after her boyfriend's nuts (just for clarification, I'M NOT). I just don't feel like I can rely on anyone but myself these days, and I'm not even the most reliable for myself. So what's the point? Why am I still here? Clearly everyone would be better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm still here to fuck up everyone else's lives so they can feel how I feel. I just don't know anything anymore. I just don't care anymore. I just wish everything and everyone would disappear. I've been wanting to get in my car and just drive away from everything. Run away from my problems cause it's so much easier than dealing with them.