Intoxicated Love

Well T is back from Switzerland and I was so excited to pick him up from the airport. He gave me a few gifts, including a Switzerland bell heart for my keys so I wouldn't lose them. But lately when we drink and he gets too drunk, he says those three small words "I love you." But it's only when he drinks does he say it. I've been telling myself just ignore it, it means nothing, but then people are trying to tell me when you're drunk some of the things you can't say sober come out. But that doesn't mean he means it. 

With T saying things he doesn't mean, my emotions have been going all over the place. I'm quiet around him and I can't think straight. It's annoying. I need to work on my communication skills because if I don't I only see myself going crazy. I wish that talking to him, or any guys, was easier; but since J men have been a lot more complicating. 

I sometimes wonder if everything I do for a guy will ever be enough. I feel like T just doesn't appreciate all that I do for him. And it sucks cause I'm working my ass off to make something happen that probably never gunna happen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my happiness has been gone lately. 

Summer is just around the corner though. So hopefully the summertime can bring me back to my chipper self and remind me that life's a beach... not a bitch. I have a feeling I'm gunna be doing a lot of changes during the summer and hopefully those changes will help me figure out where mine and T relationship should go and whether or not I'm even ready for a relationship. 

Well I picked two songs today, the first one is "Love Drunk" by Boys like Girls and the second one is "Unappreciated" by Cherrish. 

Love Drunk:
I chose this song because of T's accidently slip of three words that should mean a lot but don't mean shit when he can only say them while intoxicated. And it's always awkward when he's drunk and I'm as sober as a nun. Lyrics of the part that stick out to me: (All the time I wasted on you, All the bullshit you put me through, Checking into rehab cause everything that we had, Didn't mean a thing to you)

Unappreciated:

I chose this song because of the lack of appreciation I feel from T and well a lot of guys I've been with. Granted I know I didn't appreciate some of the great guys I've dated (back in high school) but I've learned since. I used to love this song in high school, it's kind of a throwback for me. I feel like T and I had a very quick honeymoon stage cause I feel like there's not much of a spark on his side anymore. This may be TMI for some but it seems like he's not even wanting to have intercourse anymore... just wants me to get him off and leave me all hot and heavy. (sorry mom... and other possible family members)

So Lonely

T is in Switzerland and I've been so bored. I'm taking care of his brother's cat while they are away and I feel like a crazy cat lady. It's been weird not hanging out with him every day but I guess its good that we are getting some time apart. We've been talking every day so it's not like I don't get to communicate with him. I've been thinking a lot about venturing off to other guys while he is gone, but I just haven't really taken the chances that have come up. I don't want to be that easy girl anymore. I used to cheat on my boyfriends and even though me and T aren't together I know that if I found out he was messing around with other girls I wouldn't be happy. 

On top of T being gone, J's birthday is tomorrow; his second birthday in prison. I miss how easy things were with J. My therapist keeps trying to encourage me to confront T with some things that bother me, but it's hard for me to confront T. With J everything was so natural like we could read each others minds and feelings (granted we had to be sober for that kind of communication); but with T it's only me reading his mind and him being clueless. I don't know if it's because I'm putting too much into our relationship or if he's just not very good at learning people. 

I came to realize that when J and I got together I was in such a great place before and that's why our relationship was growing so fast (or at least that's my theory). But now with T I'm not in a great place in my life, so things seem to be a bit more confusing. 

For todays post I chose "Doing Too Much" by Paula Deanda because I feel like I've been doing too much for T and getting a lot less back. I'm always wondering if he's really into me or if what he's saying is true. I feel like I'm chasing a fantasy.