A Tough Morning

 Sometimes I really hate dreams. You know those dreams that you wake up and you can't tell if it was a dream or true? Well I had one of those about J and I. It was like December never happened and we were happier than ever. But when I woke up to find myself on the pull out couch with my friend the harsh reality started to kick in. It's interesting how I sometimes actually forget what happened in December but the rest of the relationship I had with J is crisp in my mind. 


To add to my miserable morning in class I couldn't stop thinking about everything. My teacher was practicing for our test in Spanish and while working on the oral part he asked "¿dónde celebrar su último cumpleaños? which means "where did you celebrate your last birthday?" My last birthday I spent the morning in the hospital and the rest of the day in bed. My 21st birthday was a day I didn't want to remember because I wanted to be drunk; but it's a day I will never forget. 


I'm trying to stay strong and wear a bright smile today especially because it's my best friend's 21st birthday and I want her to have an amazing day because of what happened to mine. Sometimes I wonder if people can even see my pain in the smile I bare on days like today. It's ironic how I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm calm and collected. Sometimes it scares me how well I can hide the emotions I'm going though. But I guess it's best not to think about things and just move on through your day like nothing happened. So here's to those of us who are screaming inside but shinning on the outside.

New Perspective

I've started to go back to basketball class and the gym; it feels good to work out again. I cleaned up my room and got some new stuff it was time for a change in atmosphere and mood. I'm learning that the true friends are those who make an effort to hang out with me and it's not always me calling them up to see whats good. I've been realizing who my true friends are and who are the one's who are treating me like chop liver. 

I've been finally getting to court for my own case and figuring out what I need to do and what I need to pay. I'm taking charge of my life again and it's feeling good. It's kinda funny how when I stop looking for a guy all of a sudden guys are interested. But I'm still in no position to start a relationship again. I wanna have a career before I start seriously dating again. Hopefully I won't turn down my mister right. 

Realizing that I need to take responsibly for what has happened in my life is stressful cause it's so much easier to point the finger to someone else. But I feel that I'm growing up a bit these days.The job search is stressful right now. I've applied to MANY places and I've only heard back from TWO saying they CAN'T offer me a job.  

Things have been weird between me and some of my friends do to my growth. It's been hard to hang out with one of my girls because she's always busy lately and it seems like she never wants to hang out, even when we are hanging out. I mean I love this girl to death and I ain't trying to talk shit about her its just I miss my best friend. I know we all grow apart but I really hope that's not the case. It's hard because we have so much fun together but with everything that's been going on I feel like I've been left in the dust.

On another subject, J's sister's birthday was the other day and since I've decided not to be a bitch I said happy birthday to her and we were civil. It hurts not being able to actually talk to his family about some of the shit that happened and I wish I had the balls to say somethings to them and let them know that I really am sorry for everything that happened. J will always be in my heart and I will probably still have feelings for him for a while but the growth I've gone through has made it possible for me to move on.

Everyone says there's at least one person in our lives that will get away and maybe in a way J will be that one for me. If it was a perfect world I would still be with J and everything wouldn't have happened. J was the kind of man I want to marry, except for the meth addiction. My life has been a roller coaster ever since December but I can feel it starting to slow down and left me just cruise for a bit.

I still tear up when I read the story that was in the paper on my birthday about that day. It's weird thinking that it actually happened sometimes it's just easier to act like it didn't. I guess that's one way to get over it just to repress it until it's no longer there. Sometimes my head feels like its spinning with all the flash backs I have with J it will go from happy times we spent with our friends or his dogs or just the two of us then flip to that day. I try to just remind myself of the good times we had. I loved J and part of me still does but sometimes you have to let go of those you love to see if they truly love you back.

My life is starting to be MINE again, I'm starting to live MY life for ME. And it's a great up lifting feeling for me because I've never been the kind of person to find true happiness within myself and the person I am. 

Just Another Court Date

Getting really tired of having to deal with the courts. Tomorrow is J's sentencing hearing and I really hope that I won't have to go to court again after this. I've been refocusing on me for the past couple of days and it feels good. I've been searching for a job and I can almost taste it. I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy with the relationship I had with J, I put in so much and got out so little to nothing.

I've been doing some real soul searching for what I want to do in life and I think I've come to the conclusion; now I just need to speak with the school consulor to get my classes on the right track. I'm scared to commit to something though because I've constantly changed my mind over the years. But I feel that if I look into and try it out I will get a better feeling if it's for me or not. I'm just scared that I'll let my parents down yet again.

All this stress is starting to get to me. Luckily, I've been going out and doing things with my friends to keep my mind off of everything. My life is starting to get back on track and it's because of the amazing support team I have.

On another note, there has been an ex-boyfriend who has been incontact with me since AFTER J got arrested. He has been pressuring me to go see him, but in reality as great of a guy he is I just have too much baggage. It's sweet that he wants to be there to support me but right now I can't accept support from any romantic figure. I will one day move on with someone else because I've come to realize there is NO excuse for almost killing someone you "love."

I've become comfortable in my own skin knowing what I survived and what I'm going through is making ME stronger. This is a time for my independence from men to grow and for me to find myself without finding it in a relationship. I've always felt inorder for me to be happy I would have to be in a relationship; but these days I'm realizing sometimes you need to have a love affair with yourself.

Questioning Everything Now

So right before J's court date today I heard about J's sister and her friends have been talking shit about me. It's been hard enough to try to fight for J and basically going against what every one else thinks I should do. But to hear about that and then while in court I sat there and didn't get one glimpse from him. It's been hard fighting outside for him and I'm sure he is having a hard time fighting for himself inside.  I guess in my head I thought that maybe if he cared about me he would try to show me some reassurance, but at this point maybe he really never cared. I'm even more confused than I was in December.

Every time I start thinking I need to move on and I'm better than this another court date comes along and I get my hopes up that there would be a glimpse of reassurance or a simple smile from J in my direction. I don't know if he has been told to not look at me or maybe he's scared to look at me. It just hurts that he didn't even recognize my presents. I used to smile at the memories I had at him but after court the other day I finally feel the separation between J and I.

I feel like I'm starting to throw my life away for J and I don't think that I'm going to benefit from it much. I feel like I'm going against my family on this. My parents want him to get help but they also want him to serve time. He has already been in jail for four months, I think that he needs to get help with his drug addiction and maybe some anger management classes.

From now on I'm going to try to just not think about J and try to refocus on myself. I've been saying that ever since December but I'm finally coming to the realization that J and I just might be officially over. Maybe his sister knows something I don't and that's what's really bothering me about this whole situation is the lack of knowledge that I have on what J is feeling or thinking. This whole thing has me questioning a lot of things about my relationship with J.

Maybe it's time for me to just start a new chapter in my book of life and just leave J behind. Sometimes I feel my heart literally break when I talk about J with my friends and think about everything we had and what we could have had. With everything going on with J and court it's been hard to think about other things. I'm still not sure what the hell I wanna do with my life, and with this semester almost over I still don't have a job for the summer and I don't know what I want to do next semester. I don't know what I want to become in life and it's starting to scare me cause I'm 21 years old some if not most of my high school classmates are graduating this year from a state or a university and I'm just taking basketball and Spanish at our community college.

I've been thinking pretty negatively about myself lately; with not knowing what I want to do and all the mistakes that I have made. I know I made the decisions which lead to consequences but I wish I realized that before it was too late. My main regret was blowing things at San Jose State. I wasn't focused enough and I'm still not. I know that it's not too late to get my education and become something great, but I don't know what that something is, I'm so lost with life.  

Avoiding Tomorrow

With J's court date tomorrow I'm nervous and trying not to think about it. My father and I got in an argument because I wouldn't let him read my "Victim Impact Statement." My family and I don't really see eye to eye on this situation. They just don't know J the way I do and it's just annoying having them judge him so quickly and wrongly. I know where they are coming from but I mean they need to see that not all the blame can be put on J. I too had the decision to use and to get in the car with him. It's hard to think about tomorrow because it can change the rest of my life. I still don't know what J feels for me or if he has a strong hatred for me. And maybe I'm an idiot for still having such strong feelings for him. I still find myself crying to sleep every once in a while and recently I haven't been sleeping well and waking up drenched in tears. I remember how much I cried on the night of the 17th. I knew that my life just got very complicating but I NEVER would have thought that I would still have feelings for him. I feel like I'm causing all this confusion because I insist on holding on to whatever we might have left and hoping that he's holding on too. I'm nervous to see what will happen but I'm hoping that the court will allow me and J to send letters to each other and I can't wait to see him.... the only bright side I find in all of this is that I get to see his face and hear his voice tomorrow. 

Court Date Close By

J's court date is just around the corner and it's been on my mind lately. I'm nervous to speak in court and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let everyone know how I feel about everything. With the court date on my mind it's been hard to concentrate on other things that are going on with my life. I'm going to Reno in two days with one of my best friends for her 21st birthday and of course I'm excited and I'm gunna try my best to have fun and make sure the birthday girl always has a drink in her hand, but I still have J's memories hanging over my head. 

Spring Break is also next week which means I might be spending a lot of time thinking about everything. I need to become more organized with things, start thinking of what I want to say to the court and finish my letter to J... if I get to write to him. I feel like J is always going to be in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart.  Lately it's been hard to talk to people about him. I went up to his buddy's house today and I mentioned J's name and I swear I could hear the ants marching because of how quiet they got. I know his boys are going to be kicking it with him again and I'm not even sure whether or not I will be too. But that's if or when he gets out. My hopes are that the court will send him to a long term treatment plan because I know that he is a good man with a bad habit. I've been having so many good flash backs of me and J. He's been in my dreams a lot lately and I don't know what that means or if it means anything. 

With J on my mind I haven't been making much of an effort to find another guy. I figured at this point I'm just going to focus on me and if J is still in my mind and heart when he gets out and he's sober then i guess we will see what happens.


ON TOP of all that stress one of my best friends is moving to SoCal 7 hours away with her boyfriend. I'm happy and excited for her but I know it's gunna be a very bittersweet goodbye. I'm gunna miss my spaghetti.