The Confusion of Men

So I've been hanging out with a lot of my COM friends lately and it's been great. There is this one guy that I'm really drawn to, he's a great guy and hanging out with him is amazing with the great talents he has, he's smart, attractive, and a musician. It feels weird having a crush again, getting nervous about asking to hang out; thinking we should hang out with the group to avoid any awkward silences in fear of saying something stupid.

Although, it is nice to have the butterflies back in my stomack and the sweat on my hands when he's around... I'm scared. I don't want to jump start any hopes with him since I don't know him that well. But at the same time I feel like I've known him forever.

I think a big part of what is holding me back from actually trying with this guy is fear of rejection and fear that I won't be able to please him. But like I said before I don't really know him so I'm going to try to get to know him as much as I can before he goes away for the rest of summer. I'm not sure even if he would be accepting to getting to know each other. The great confusion of men continues in my life. Do I take that risk and jump or to I keep it safe and stay on the sidelines of the dating world?

On a totally different note I have quit smoking cigarettes and it has been quite hard. I like to smoke when I'm drinking so I often will buy a pack if I know I will be drinking but on other days I try not to smoke and it feels good. Next thing to do is get back to the gym and I've been trying to get that motivation that I used to have. I don't know what was the cause of that motivation but I hope I find it again soon.



New Me?

I've been going through changes and gaining my self confidence back. It's so weird seeing how differently I feel about everything. I'm starting to get my head leveled and really am focusing on myself. I won't deny the fact that I still have thoughts of J and I, I can't even deny the fact that I still have feelings for the damn guy. But I've come to terms that I will never get to be with him ever again. Even though I've been focusing on me, I've also been having keeping my eye out for potential guys, but I find it hard to trust any of them and I seem to find something "wrong" with them.

On another note, my best friend, S, has been gone for a few weeks and I've been missing her like crazy. I'm trying to keep myself busy with hanging out with my school friends, hanging out at home, and finishing up my community service hours. I had a job interview the other day hoping this one falls through and I'll be a working woman again. Next thing I'm going to start working on is going to the gym more often.

My life is finally starting to get back on track. And I just want to thank everyone, my support group is AMAZING cause god knows that without all of you I wouldn't be here telling my story.