Some Answers

I spent no time diving into my research about restraining orders and what not to find out whether or not there was one placed on J. And after calling lawyers and talking with a few of them I found the one paper that explains everything. And although I'm not completely happy that there is a "Criminal Protective Order" on J saying he can't have contact with me for three years; I'm surprisingly content with this. After getting into the research and everything it made me think, do I really want J back in my life? 

I'm finally at a good place and yes I've been giving J most of the credit but in reality it is me who has grown. I need to be a bit less modest when it comes to where I am today versus then. 

Three years doesn't seem that long... I mean technically it's only two years now and I mean of course I miss hearing his voice but that would only make me more vulnerable. I can't, no I won't be that vulnerable girl anymore. This is where I'm putting my foot down and grabbing the wheel to take control of MY life. 

But I want closure. My heart needs closure. It's been deprived of closure ever since I started dating. But I can't depend on a guy to bring or give me happiness. I need to find it in myself before I find it in someone else. And I'm so close to that happiness but J is still holding me back; as much as I wish he didn't, he does. 

I picked a song that probably isn't well known, I heard it on a TV show and it got stuck in my head. I picked "How'd My Heart Get Caught" by Jason Bajada, it kinda describes how I feel about J. I love him but it hurts so much cause it's hard to love him. Sometimes I find myself questioning is it all worth it? It's hard to remember all the good times we had together when I'm constantly only reminded of the bad. 

Bittersweet Christmas

I've been a bit short fused lately, especially towards my father, I'm not sure why exactly but I'm blaming Christmas/Winter. It's been hard to get my research  done with my family home and always bothering me, I'm not sure what my dad would say if he knew what I was looking up and what I was trying to do. But with what little research I had done I found out that J was transferred to a closer prison which is great for him since his friends and family (and maybe me one day) can visit him. I started e-mailing some people in the court offices to see if they could direct me to the right place to ask questions, and I found a bunch of numbers that I can call too. But with today being Christmas my investigation is at a pause. 

I want/hope to be able to visit or at least write to J by next year. But I got to remember I'm no one special, if the law states I can't then I can't. But I'm hoping it says I can. 

Today has been a bittersweet day. I used to love Christmas and the excitement of it used to keep me up all night on Christmas Eve, but this year has been nothing really that special. I got a bunch of great new stuff and I'm ever so grateful for it but the holiday season won't be the same without J. Even though we never had a Christmas together I remember being soooo excited to give him his gift that even on the 17th when everything happened I wanted him to open his gift before he was arrested, but he never did and I ended up keeping the present (which I used everyday). 

During the holiday season people want to be around those they love, and yes I'm surrounded by people I love and who love me, but I'm still missing that one person, J. It sucks that I don't know if I can see him or have contact with him. I wanted to find out all this stuff earlier when he first got arrested but everything told me to wait... but my heart has held on for too long for me to just ignore it. 

For today's post I chose "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw, it's about being there for someone no matter what and helping them get through whatever. I think that if me and J make it through this then there's nothing that could tear us apart. I believe in us and I think we can make it and I hope he believes in us too; and as for everyone else I really don't care if they believe in us. Yes, of course, I want the support from my family and friends with our relationship but I can't force them to. Without their support it will be hard, but I truly believe that me and J really only need the support of each other to make this relationship/friendship work... 

Educating Myself

Lately I've been trying to educate myself about addictions and addicts. I figured I should look into these things before I decide whether or not I want J back in my life because he'll be an addict his whole life but hopefully not one that uses. I've been looking into what people who live with addicts have to go through and look out for. I've been trying to learn everything I need to so I can make the best decision but I'm not sure if I can compare J to the stories and facts I've been learning. It's been a interesting search so far.

On top of that I've been wanting to do some more research on the legal manor of the case's outcome. I don't officially know if there is a restraining order between me and J and I want to find out, one, if there is a restraining order, two, if there is, is there a way to have it lifted, and three, how and when can I visit him. I'm not sure what people will say but I want to go into some of the offices that I had to go to during the court process and seeing if I can talk to someone who would know more about the legal outcomes. 

I just want to talk to J and just find out if he is serious about being sober and what his plans will be after he's released. I mean I know it's a few more years until he will be released but I need to prepare myself. 

Although I've been looking into all these things I'm still not sure if my future has a place for J. As much as I still love him I don't know if I would be strong enough to help him recover from his addiction. I want to help him but I just don't know how strong I can be and how I will feel around J if I see him. 

On another note, J's ex girlfriend before me, who I'll refer to as CB, was a high school friend of mine but after she heard about me and J hooking up in 2010 she started her hatred for me. According to her, she and J never broke up when I hooked up with him even though he told me they weren't together, and on top of that she cheated on him with everything with a pee pee. And when she confronted me about it I was trying to be civil about it but there's nothing civil about her. I fear my life because of her more than J. And I kinda blame J's addiction on her, even though I don't know if it was her who introduced him I know they were doing it together when they were together. 

Anyways, I've been trying to ignore my fear of seeing J's ex even though I thought I did the other day. But I will be the bigger person even if she doesn't know how to be. For this post I decided to pick two songs "Blind to You" by Collie Buddz, I love Collie Buddz and this song is just amazing and I really like the meaning and everything. The second song is "Same Love" by Mackelmore I LOVE this song. It's beautiful, sound and meaning. 

Blind to you- Collie Buddz

Same Love- Mackelmore

Birthday Craze

I had an amazing birthday, although I did feel like something was missing. I'm not sure if it was J or just a guy in general. I miss the relationship. I'm starting to think that the reason why I"m still "hung up" on J because he literally opened my heart. Before J I was in and out of short, meaningless "relationships" but when I met J I knew it was going to be more. He opened my heart and showed me how to love. I was afraid of falling in love and thought I would never find someone after my last high school sweetheart, M. M and I dated for a year and the break up was out of no where for me and the lack of closure made it so much harder to get over him. I started going through guys like my outfits. I couldn't emotionally connect to anyone until J came along in 2010 and it was an immediate connection and that connection became deeper in 2011. 

J opened my heart to love, enough for me to find the love I had for myself. He showed me the beauty in everything and everyone. He made me a kinder person and someone who cares for others. 

On another note J's sister reached out to me to say happy birthday from their family and although it's quiet awkward to see them around I really do appreciate that they still think of me. Maybe one day I will be able to say thank you to his family and sorry, but I'm not even sure if they want to hear it.  

I picked "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson for this post because I've always just held my breath and allowed people to use me and after last year I've developed into a stronger person. I've grown so much and I'm actually really proud of myself.  I've found beauty and love within myself and it feels amazing to be my own self and be happy; for once I don't need someone else to give me my happiness and my beauty. I might not be beautiful to everyone but I'm beautiful to me, and right now I'm the one I need to impress. I hope that one day I will find a guy who can appreciate the woman I'm developing into, but for now he will have to wait.

A year...

So I thought today was gunna be a really hard day for me since it has been exactly a year since J's arrest. It's weird some days it feels like it happened years ago and on other days it's like it happened last week. It was hard today  especially when I looked at the clock. I couldn't help but look and try to think where were we at this time a year ago? 

I wish I could hear J's voice, if I could have one wish that would be it. I can't lie to myself I'm still in love with him and I'm starting to think that there really is no one out there like him. It's annoying how growing up we're told there's one person who is meant for us and blah blah blah but then when you start dating and you get dumped and you can't move on people all of a sudden change their minds and say there is someone else out there. 

Anyways gunna keep this post short... I picked "Motivation" by Kelly Rowland because it was one of mine n J's songs. And after everything happened I've found a different (nonsexual) way that I want to be a motivation for J and be there for him through his recovery if he chooses to be sober. (my fingers are crossed that he has been sober in jail/prison and plans on staying sober when he is released)

Out growing

So I like to think that my horoscope sign actually means something so I read my horoscope every day and today it seemed spot on so I thought I would share it with you. "In the past year you have grown tremendously. You have gained a deeper insight into the world around you, and you have built a strong foundation for future goals. The trouble it that you fear you may have also outgrown a certain relationship - either a friendship or romance. You may feel that this person's views are outdated, or that his or her goals are no longer in sync with your own. But you needn't be harnessed together like a pair of driving horses to share a strong bond. Embrace your differences, and you can still enjoy a fabulous relationship."

The first person that came to mind after reading this was J of course. I mean I've been focusing on my life and I finally know what the future holds, or what I want it to hold. BUT I'm not sure if J will be in that picture once it's printed. My dreams and hope provide me with this illustration of J getting released and showing everyone the real J that I saw. But I need to also be able to accept the other option of not having J in my life after everything settles down. 

Well even though this is a short post I chose to pick "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer because of the dreams I've been having and cause it just happened to be playing on pandora when I was writing this post and it seemed like a good song to relate myself to right now.

Dreams Haunting Me

I keep having this one dream every night for the past week. It starts out with J coming over to my house and telling me that the judge released him and he wanted to show me the real him. He took me out and we had a blast. I got to see the real J and even the tattoo he apparently got on his back. He looked amazing different but amazing because it was different. I love J but I know things would have to be different if he was ever going to be in my life again. 

This dream has me missing J often during the day. I've been thinking about the dream and secretly hoping to myself that it will be one of those deja vu moments in my life one day. I do want to be part of J's life and I want him to be part of mine, but I'm just not sure if the people in our lives will let that happen again. I don't know how his family feels about me and I don't know how my dad would react to me wanting J in my life. I remember my dad taking a picture of me the night everything happened and he told me "I'm taking this to show it to you when you come to me and saying that you want that bastard back in your life" (or something along those lines.) I can understand my father's hostility towards J but I wish he would just see that it hurts me when he says things like that. 

My father has been completely closed-minded about J after December happened (just like a lot of the people I've talked to) but they just don't know J. I know that I've been a broke record about this but J wasn't an animal it was the drugs that caused this. I wish that I could have just told J's mom the truth. I feel like I'm responsible for this more than J cause I still had a clear head and the drugs didn't blur my thoughts. But I was confused on what to do since J didn't want his family to know about him using again and I didn't want to get in between them. But if I told his mom what we were doing she probably could have helped me. She told me that I couldn't handle J if he was using and she was right. I wish I had listened to her. 

So I picked yet another Kenny Chesney song for this post. I chose "Come Over" this song has been on my playlists for a long time alone with many other Kenny Chesney songs it makes me think of J. I try to forget about him but somehow he's always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart. 

Weekend of Hoping

My grandma has been in and out of the hospital for the past week and I went to go see her over this weekend and man was it hard. I was fighting tears all day on Saturday when we first arrived at the hospital. My grandma wasn't doing good, and I don't really like hospitals after December. (Even though I hope to become a nurse one day) I had flash backs of the hospital that night and I remember only thinking "I can wake up now and then tell J all about my horrible dream." Well I'm still waiting to wake up. 

I didn't want to leave my grandma but I had to because of school. Luckily she was doing a lot better on Sunday. She was looking like herself and talking sense. I'm scared that she'll pass around my birthday and that will just be another reason for me to hate December. My grandma will be the first person whom I'm REALLY close to that will pass away. And this might sound selfish but I'm scared to see what the outcome will be... how I will handle it. I mean I was nearly losing it in the hospital when she was still alive.

I've been able to talk to my mom about J a bit more and it's nice to talk about him with her. I feel like my family didn't get to know J and its my fault that they didn't. 

With my grandma in the hospital and the cold weather I've been missing J more, well maybe it's more like the male companionship that I miss. J was always there for me and unlike so many men in my life he actually listened. He was a bit of a mama's boy which I think is a great thing because he's a great person to talk to and gives advice and he always tried to help me with whatever struggles I had. It was nice to have someone try to fight my fight for me. 

I've been thinking about actually trying to send a letter to him or telling our friend something to J for me. I just want him to get better and recover from his addiction. I hope that he will continue his sober life when he is released. I can't believe it's almost been a year, and even more so I can't believe that I still feel so much for J; I've never been the kind of girl to be "hung up" on a guy but I just can't seem to shake him off my mind. 

I picked "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney for this post because of my grandma's health and I've been regretting that I didn't go down to see her enough. I've learned that you really don't know when your time will come. I've realized how fast time has gone by and the little kids next door aren't little kids anymore. Time goes by so fast even if I think it seem soooo long, change happens and you see how fast time goes by when you see the change.