Weekend of Hoping

My grandma has been in and out of the hospital for the past week and I went to go see her over this weekend and man was it hard. I was fighting tears all day on Saturday when we first arrived at the hospital. My grandma wasn't doing good, and I don't really like hospitals after December. (Even though I hope to become a nurse one day) I had flash backs of the hospital that night and I remember only thinking "I can wake up now and then tell J all about my horrible dream." Well I'm still waiting to wake up. 

I didn't want to leave my grandma but I had to because of school. Luckily she was doing a lot better on Sunday. She was looking like herself and talking sense. I'm scared that she'll pass around my birthday and that will just be another reason for me to hate December. My grandma will be the first person whom I'm REALLY close to that will pass away. And this might sound selfish but I'm scared to see what the outcome will be... how I will handle it. I mean I was nearly losing it in the hospital when she was still alive.

I've been able to talk to my mom about J a bit more and it's nice to talk about him with her. I feel like my family didn't get to know J and its my fault that they didn't. 

With my grandma in the hospital and the cold weather I've been missing J more, well maybe it's more like the male companionship that I miss. J was always there for me and unlike so many men in my life he actually listened. He was a bit of a mama's boy which I think is a great thing because he's a great person to talk to and gives advice and he always tried to help me with whatever struggles I had. It was nice to have someone try to fight my fight for me. 

I've been thinking about actually trying to send a letter to him or telling our friend something to J for me. I just want him to get better and recover from his addiction. I hope that he will continue his sober life when he is released. I can't believe it's almost been a year, and even more so I can't believe that I still feel so much for J; I've never been the kind of girl to be "hung up" on a guy but I just can't seem to shake him off my mind. 

I picked "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney for this post because of my grandma's health and I've been regretting that I didn't go down to see her enough. I've learned that you really don't know when your time will come. I've realized how fast time has gone by and the little kids next door aren't little kids anymore. Time goes by so fast even if I think it seem soooo long, change happens and you see how fast time goes by when you see the change.