Bittersweet Christmas

I've been a bit short fused lately, especially towards my father, I'm not sure why exactly but I'm blaming Christmas/Winter. It's been hard to get my research  done with my family home and always bothering me, I'm not sure what my dad would say if he knew what I was looking up and what I was trying to do. But with what little research I had done I found out that J was transferred to a closer prison which is great for him since his friends and family (and maybe me one day) can visit him. I started e-mailing some people in the court offices to see if they could direct me to the right place to ask questions, and I found a bunch of numbers that I can call too. But with today being Christmas my investigation is at a pause. 

I want/hope to be able to visit or at least write to J by next year. But I got to remember I'm no one special, if the law states I can't then I can't. But I'm hoping it says I can. 

Today has been a bittersweet day. I used to love Christmas and the excitement of it used to keep me up all night on Christmas Eve, but this year has been nothing really that special. I got a bunch of great new stuff and I'm ever so grateful for it but the holiday season won't be the same without J. Even though we never had a Christmas together I remember being soooo excited to give him his gift that even on the 17th when everything happened I wanted him to open his gift before he was arrested, but he never did and I ended up keeping the present (which I used everyday). 

During the holiday season people want to be around those they love, and yes I'm surrounded by people I love and who love me, but I'm still missing that one person, J. It sucks that I don't know if I can see him or have contact with him. I wanted to find out all this stuff earlier when he first got arrested but everything told me to wait... but my heart has held on for too long for me to just ignore it. 

For today's post I chose "Soldier" by Gavin DeGraw, it's about being there for someone no matter what and helping them get through whatever. I think that if me and J make it through this then there's nothing that could tear us apart. I believe in us and I think we can make it and I hope he believes in us too; and as for everyone else I really don't care if they believe in us. Yes, of course, I want the support from my family and friends with our relationship but I can't force them to. Without their support it will be hard, but I truly believe that me and J really only need the support of each other to make this relationship/friendship work...