Dreams Haunting Me

I keep having this one dream every night for the past week. It starts out with J coming over to my house and telling me that the judge released him and he wanted to show me the real him. He took me out and we had a blast. I got to see the real J and even the tattoo he apparently got on his back. He looked amazing different but amazing because it was different. I love J but I know things would have to be different if he was ever going to be in my life again. 

This dream has me missing J often during the day. I've been thinking about the dream and secretly hoping to myself that it will be one of those deja vu moments in my life one day. I do want to be part of J's life and I want him to be part of mine, but I'm just not sure if the people in our lives will let that happen again. I don't know how his family feels about me and I don't know how my dad would react to me wanting J in my life. I remember my dad taking a picture of me the night everything happened and he told me "I'm taking this to show it to you when you come to me and saying that you want that bastard back in your life" (or something along those lines.) I can understand my father's hostility towards J but I wish he would just see that it hurts me when he says things like that. 

My father has been completely closed-minded about J after December happened (just like a lot of the people I've talked to) but they just don't know J. I know that I've been a broke record about this but J wasn't an animal it was the drugs that caused this. I wish that I could have just told J's mom the truth. I feel like I'm responsible for this more than J cause I still had a clear head and the drugs didn't blur my thoughts. But I was confused on what to do since J didn't want his family to know about him using again and I didn't want to get in between them. But if I told his mom what we were doing she probably could have helped me. She told me that I couldn't handle J if he was using and she was right. I wish I had listened to her. 

So I picked yet another Kenny Chesney song for this post. I chose "Come Over" this song has been on my playlists for a long time alone with many other Kenny Chesney songs it makes me think of J. I try to forget about him but somehow he's always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart.