I had an amazing birthday, although I did feel like something was missing. I'm not sure if it was J or just a guy in general. I miss the relationship. I'm starting to think that the reason why I"m still "hung up" on J because he literally opened my heart. Before J I was in and out of short, meaningless "relationships" but when I met J I knew it was going to be more. He opened my heart and showed me how to love. I was afraid of falling in love and thought I would never find someone after my last high school sweetheart, M. M and I dated for a year and the break up was out of no where for me and the lack of closure made it so much harder to get over him. I started going through guys like my outfits. I couldn't emotionally connect to anyone until J came along in 2010 and it was an immediate connection and that connection became deeper in 2011.
J opened my heart to love, enough for me to find the love I had for myself. He showed me the beauty in everything and everyone. He made me a kinder person and someone who cares for others.
On another note J's sister reached out to me to say happy birthday from their family and although it's quiet awkward to see them around I really do appreciate that they still think of me. Maybe one day I will be able to say thank you to his family and sorry, but I'm not even sure if they want to hear it.
I picked "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson for this post because I've always just held my breath and allowed people to use me and after last year I've developed into a stronger person. I've grown so much and I'm actually really proud of myself. I've found beauty and love within myself and it feels amazing to be my own self and be happy; for once I don't need someone else to give me my happiness and my beauty. I might not be beautiful to everyone but I'm beautiful to me, and right now I'm the one I need to impress. I hope that one day I will find a guy who can appreciate the woman I'm developing into, but for now he will have to wait.
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