Recently my every day life has gotten "hard." I've had a huge lack of motivation and been kinda down in the dumps but I've been happy. I don't know this whole process is tiring and I just don't know what emotions I'm going though. I miss J so much and its been getting worse and worse with December coming soon.
I've been writing letters to J but not sending them. Just writing what I feel and what I want to tell him. I bought some of his old cologne and sprayed it on my bed sheets. I'm still weak towards him but I've built strength in myself that I know is there. I've been drowning in memories lately, more than ever before and it's been hard. I've had good and bad memories, flashbacks from that day and from when there was no worry in sight.
I have regrets of December. J's mother asked me before December if J and I had been using. Stupidly I lied to her. This is my deepest regret I have. If I had told her the truth none of this would have happened. J would be a free and SOBER man, I would have been happy with him, and my family wouldn't be so worried about me.
Talking to my mom about things has gotten a little bit easier but I fear that my father will never bend. It's not like I'm going to take J back or anything but I feel like he will be part of my life and I don't know how my father will feel about that. I've never had great communication skills when it comes to my parents. Hell I even talked to J's parents about things before I talked to mine.
I've been wanting to write J's mom a letter. Apologizing for lying to her and not taking the hand she was trying to give me. I didn't see how much trouble I was in until it was too late. I also want to thank her, even though I'm not sure she wants to hear that. But in reality she gave me my life back.
So I chose to put "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers for this post because I don't why really but it makes me think of J. I really enjoy this song though I'm not sure why its pretty different from my usual music but it's still a good one.
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