Have you ever?

I've been sick for the past few days, which means no school for me, and a lot of thinking. I've been having a lot of dreams about J lately. Not very surprising considering the fact I end every night reading the words he wrote to me. I've been slumping into a rut, I've become more and more depressed everyday...

I can't let things like that get to me. I can't lose sight of my goals and dreams I've made after December. I got my midterm grades this weekend and I'm so proud of myself, but I seem to be the only person who is...

I've been spending my days of sickness on the couch watching countless romance movies. They kinda give me hope that everything will work out eventually. Although none seem to be nearly as complicating as mine and J's "love story" they give me hope that the answers will eventually come to me. 

The best thing I can do now is wait. I can't rush into any decisions or conclusions. Time. That's all I need. Time to figure everything out. Time to tell people what I think. Time to just be me.

I've lost myself lately. Maybe it's the winter or maybe its my own lack of motivation. I haven't been to gym in about a month, and I'm starting to feel the pounds adding back on. But I've lost my drive, my spark. I need to gain that light back in my soul before I try to make any moves in any direction. 

I need to start standing up for myself because if I don't, who will? I was told that I was in a co-dependent relationship with J, and although that might be what the outside eye sees, our love was magical. Not one person could question our love. 

I put passion in front of common sense. I fell for J hard. If I used my common sense I would have seen the drug addict that everyone else seems to see in him. But I don't. I see a man with a bad habit. HORRIBLE habit. I feel like I give too many second chances to people. I believe every person is a good person. I know its crazy with all the felons and serial killers in the world, but I see the silver lining in the darkest people. Maybe its a curse or maybe its a gift. 

Anyways for this post the song is "Have You Ever?" by Brandy. I've had plenty of heart breaks in my time and I've cried countless times because of a guy, but the tears that fall for J are different from the others. The tears that fall for J are every drop of hope I have that one day we will be brought together again. So yes Brandy, I have loved someone so much that I cry.