So after talking things over with a friend I've come to a realization that I need to build a wall around my heart to keep J out. Not to give up on him but to make it so that when or if I hear from him or about him I don't lose myself. I've been in a rut ever since I've heard word about J and things with me and him in his view. It's unhealthy that just a few words can throw me off. I need to keep the focus on me and not forget my goals and my life. I care about J but I can't put him in front of my own needs.
I feel completely wrapped into J and that's not healthy, but it's just how strongly I feel for him. I need to not lose the love that I have for him but not let things get to me so easily. I've found myself more and more sensitive, yet still not voicing my feelings to those who have hurt them. I don't want to cause any drama for myself so when my feelings get hurt I try to just brush it off, but lately I feel like one more thing is just gunna break the camel's back.
With the holidays just around the corner I find myself not really in the holiday spirit. I'm trying not to let last years holiday season ruin this years holiday season. And on top of the memories I have of last year, I still don't have a job. I don't want to be that one person who people didn't get gifts from because I'm a fuck up. My confidence has been like a seesaw lately, up one day down the next. My sanity has been out the window for a long time but I feel like more and more of it is going out there too. Soon enough I'll be pulling my hair out.
So one of my friends played this song for me after the whole thing with J's sister and her friends. And now with everything else happening and the tearing and ripping that people are doing to me; I find this song appropriate. People can talk all they want and I'm gunna just brush it off, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
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