Dreams Haunting Me

I keep having this one dream every night for the past week. It starts out with J coming over to my house and telling me that the judge released him and he wanted to show me the real him. He took me out and we had a blast. I got to see the real J and even the tattoo he apparently got on his back. He looked amazing different but amazing because it was different. I love J but I know things would have to be different if he was ever going to be in my life again. 

This dream has me missing J often during the day. I've been thinking about the dream and secretly hoping to myself that it will be one of those deja vu moments in my life one day. I do want to be part of J's life and I want him to be part of mine, but I'm just not sure if the people in our lives will let that happen again. I don't know how his family feels about me and I don't know how my dad would react to me wanting J in my life. I remember my dad taking a picture of me the night everything happened and he told me "I'm taking this to show it to you when you come to me and saying that you want that bastard back in your life" (or something along those lines.) I can understand my father's hostility towards J but I wish he would just see that it hurts me when he says things like that. 

My father has been completely closed-minded about J after December happened (just like a lot of the people I've talked to) but they just don't know J. I know that I've been a broke record about this but J wasn't an animal it was the drugs that caused this. I wish that I could have just told J's mom the truth. I feel like I'm responsible for this more than J cause I still had a clear head and the drugs didn't blur my thoughts. But I was confused on what to do since J didn't want his family to know about him using again and I didn't want to get in between them. But if I told his mom what we were doing she probably could have helped me. She told me that I couldn't handle J if he was using and she was right. I wish I had listened to her. 

So I picked yet another Kenny Chesney song for this post. I chose "Come Over" this song has been on my playlists for a long time alone with many other Kenny Chesney songs it makes me think of J. I try to forget about him but somehow he's always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart. 

Weekend of Hoping

My grandma has been in and out of the hospital for the past week and I went to go see her over this weekend and man was it hard. I was fighting tears all day on Saturday when we first arrived at the hospital. My grandma wasn't doing good, and I don't really like hospitals after December. (Even though I hope to become a nurse one day) I had flash backs of the hospital that night and I remember only thinking "I can wake up now and then tell J all about my horrible dream." Well I'm still waiting to wake up. 

I didn't want to leave my grandma but I had to because of school. Luckily she was doing a lot better on Sunday. She was looking like herself and talking sense. I'm scared that she'll pass around my birthday and that will just be another reason for me to hate December. My grandma will be the first person whom I'm REALLY close to that will pass away. And this might sound selfish but I'm scared to see what the outcome will be... how I will handle it. I mean I was nearly losing it in the hospital when she was still alive.

I've been able to talk to my mom about J a bit more and it's nice to talk about him with her. I feel like my family didn't get to know J and its my fault that they didn't. 

With my grandma in the hospital and the cold weather I've been missing J more, well maybe it's more like the male companionship that I miss. J was always there for me and unlike so many men in my life he actually listened. He was a bit of a mama's boy which I think is a great thing because he's a great person to talk to and gives advice and he always tried to help me with whatever struggles I had. It was nice to have someone try to fight my fight for me. 

I've been thinking about actually trying to send a letter to him or telling our friend something to J for me. I just want him to get better and recover from his addiction. I hope that he will continue his sober life when he is released. I can't believe it's almost been a year, and even more so I can't believe that I still feel so much for J; I've never been the kind of girl to be "hung up" on a guy but I just can't seem to shake him off my mind. 

I picked "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney for this post because of my grandma's health and I've been regretting that I didn't go down to see her enough. I've learned that you really don't know when your time will come. I've realized how fast time has gone by and the little kids next door aren't little kids anymore. Time goes by so fast even if I think it seem soooo long, change happens and you see how fast time goes by when you see the change. 

I still can't forget

Recently my every day life has gotten "hard." I've had a huge lack of motivation and been kinda down in the dumps but I've been happy. I don't know this whole process is tiring and I just don't know what emotions I'm going though. I miss J so much and its been getting worse and worse with December coming soon. 

I've been writing letters to J but not sending them. Just writing what I feel and what I want to tell him. I bought some of his old cologne and sprayed it on my bed sheets. I'm still weak towards him but I've built strength in myself that I know is there. I've been drowning in memories lately, more than ever before and it's been hard. I've had good and bad memories, flashbacks from that day and from when there was no worry in sight. 

I have regrets of December. J's mother asked me before December if J and I had been using. Stupidly I lied to her. This is my deepest regret I have. If I had told her the truth none of this would have happened. J would be a free and SOBER man, I would have been happy with him, and my family wouldn't be so worried about me. 

Talking to my mom about things has gotten a little bit easier but I fear that my father will never bend. It's not like I'm going to take J back or anything but I feel like he will be part of my life and I don't know how my father will feel about that. I've never had great communication skills when it comes to my parents. Hell I even talked to J's parents about things before I talked to mine. 

I've been wanting to write J's mom a letter. Apologizing for lying to her and not taking the hand she was trying to give me. I didn't see how much trouble I was in until it was too late. I also want to thank her, even though I'm not sure she wants to hear that. But in reality she gave me my life back. 

So I chose to put "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers for this post because I don't why really but it makes me think of J. I really enjoy this song though I'm not sure why its pretty different from my usual music but it's still a good one.

pretending

So Thankful This Thanksgiving

There is so much that I'm thankful for this year. Thanksgiving hasn't really been that important to me previous years, but it was a great time with the family and friends I had. This year its got a whole new meaning to me. I'm so thankful to be living and before last December I really didn't care to live. I'm thankful that J was in my life even if December happened, he taught me a lot and I learned a lot about myself through everything that happened. I've grown stronger because of everything. I'm thankful for his family who accepted me in their family and especially his mom and sister who helped me in a time in need, even though it meant going against J. I'm thankful for my family and all the second chances and support that they have given to me. I'm thankful for all the friends who have been in my life, you guys really helped me through a lot of times and I glad to have such greats friends. I'm thankful for my two best friends, Riley and Cody, my dogs, for even though they can't talk they are great listeners and bring great joy to me. And last but not least, this year I'm thankful for me. I'm thankful for the person I've become, I'm thankful that I still have hopes and dreams, and I'm thankful that I still have some motivation in me to reach those dreams of mine. 

Although I've been a bit down in the dumps lately, Thanksgiving has put a little spark in me. Yet there is no denying that J is on my mind. I remember going over to J's house last year for dessert for Thanksgiving night. I remember how he held me and whispered what he was grateful for. I miss J and the memories that I have as so vivid that it doesn't help. I feel like everyone is getting tired of me talking about J but I can't help it; I speak what's on my mind and he's on it. I've been accidentally calling one of my guy friends by J's name when really he's and P-name. It's almost been a year and I still feel the same way about J, but I know what I have to do now and I know that for my sake I can't use ever again. 

So today's song is "Be Yourself" by Audioslave, aside from the emotional shit I go through at this time of year, fall/winter is my favorite part of the year. I love the way the leaves change colors and cover the streets, I love the sunny days after a rainy day and the way the water makes everything glitter and glisten in the sun. So with that being said this is my favorite time of year for some cruising on the back roads just enjoy the scenery and listening to music. This song is one of my favorite cruising songs makes me feel at ease and peaceful.

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and I encourage you to reach out to those who have helped you in any ways and tell them that you are grateful for their help and their friendship. Tell the people you love how much you care. But most importantly don't forget to be thankful for yourself, be thankful for what you have been through and how far you've gone, be thankful that you have people who love and care about you, and be thankful that people are grateful for you, because I'm thankful for all of my readers. I love that I can share my stories even though I'm just a common person and people actually take the time to read my posts. So thank you.

Who to turn to?

I've been tested throughout this year and I don't know how I've done on making decisions. I wish I had someone I could turn to for answers but this is a matter I need to handle myself. Its hard though cause my decision has an effect on so many people when it comes to J and I. I've been trying to just let time answer all my questions but it's not. I've been hoping I would find someone to help me forget about J but no one can compare. I was a queen when I was with J. When he was sober he cooked me breakfast, lunch, and dinner all the time, he provided for me when he could, he cared for me when I was upset, he heeled me when I was in pain(not because of him... I play sports), and he would just listen to me when that was all I needed. 

J was my best friend, my rock, and I loved him. But now after everything what do I do? I want to hold on the the sober J I want him to see that when he is sober is when things workout. We never fought in our relationship unless we were using. We were chasing dreams and I guess his dreams got a bit off track. If J was to be on track and plan on staying on track I would consider being in his life (not necessarily a romantic relationship but at least a friendship) but I can't have what happened last year ever happen again. I will be strong enough to tell him that if I need to. But until he is out and has at least a year and a half outside of prison, I will just have to live my life. I don't want to deal with something that I don't have to until many years later. 

So I was gunna put "I Turned to You" by Christina Aguilera but I don't really have that person to turn to... so the song for this post is "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" by Brantley Gilbert. This song has been a favorite of mine for a LONG TIME. No one really knows mine and J's relationship the way we do and no one in my family or friends knows J the way I know him. People always try to tell me I'll stop hurting and I'll move on but I just don't see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to find a guy that treats me like J and makes me feel the way J made me feel. 

Finding My Way

I had a meeting with the school counselor and I've finally decided what my goal in school is and it feels amazing. I just have to stay focused and motivated. Although it wasn't the way I thought I had to take it's a route that seems right for me. I'm planning on going into the Dental Assisting program and AA in Spanish then hopefully finding a job after I'm done with that and save up and go out into the world alone and then if I still have that desire to be a nurse go back to school. I have a long time in my life to come and it's finally clear after talking to MANY people I've learned your career can change as many time you want. 

So with all that I haven't put much thought to J lately. School has been a great distraction from everything that is still going on behind the curtains. I think the best thing is to just put it aside for now and just focus on me and let all my emotions settle down. I don't know what is ahead for me, my future is so bright that I can't even tell its dark right now. I miss J and I still love him but I need to love me. I need to find me. I was willing to go against my morals to please J and in the end it fucked me over. I've learned my lesson and I'm listening to myself and controlling my own life. 

I need to start be healthier and grabbing onto the dreams I have and make them come true because in the end that's the only way they will happen. If I make them happen they will, no one else is going to give me a dream. So I'll get it myself. I need to be an independent woman before I can love again. I need to be a stronger person. And I'm so thankful that it's been working so well for me. 

But despite of all this new light to my life my memories of J are still on repeat  in my mind. But they motivate me. They tell me that, that kind of love is worth waiting for. Meaning if another person comes along who can make me feel the way I did with J, I want to be ready to be ME and be in a relationship. If that guy comes along and it's not J I'm not going to let it go by because of J. They have big shoes to fill but I don't know who is out there. I don't know who I might meet tomorrow, next week, month, year. I'm just going with the flow for once and it's very stress free. I can look like crap when I want and I don't give a fuck. 

So this post's song is "Who You Are" by Jessie J (but Jillian Jensen's version for my spaghetti). Because I've found me and I've got answers to the questions I've been to afraid to ask for. The wind is under my wings and I'm just taking it for a ride. Not sure what's ahead but I'm going into with a new view.