Have you ever?

I've been sick for the past few days, which means no school for me, and a lot of thinking. I've been having a lot of dreams about J lately. Not very surprising considering the fact I end every night reading the words he wrote to me. I've been slumping into a rut, I've become more and more depressed everyday...

I can't let things like that get to me. I can't lose sight of my goals and dreams I've made after December. I got my midterm grades this weekend and I'm so proud of myself, but I seem to be the only person who is...

I've been spending my days of sickness on the couch watching countless romance movies. They kinda give me hope that everything will work out eventually. Although none seem to be nearly as complicating as mine and J's "love story" they give me hope that the answers will eventually come to me. 

The best thing I can do now is wait. I can't rush into any decisions or conclusions. Time. That's all I need. Time to figure everything out. Time to tell people what I think. Time to just be me.

I've lost myself lately. Maybe it's the winter or maybe its my own lack of motivation. I haven't been to gym in about a month, and I'm starting to feel the pounds adding back on. But I've lost my drive, my spark. I need to gain that light back in my soul before I try to make any moves in any direction. 

I need to start standing up for myself because if I don't, who will? I was told that I was in a co-dependent relationship with J, and although that might be what the outside eye sees, our love was magical. Not one person could question our love. 

I put passion in front of common sense. I fell for J hard. If I used my common sense I would have seen the drug addict that everyone else seems to see in him. But I don't. I see a man with a bad habit. HORRIBLE habit. I feel like I give too many second chances to people. I believe every person is a good person. I know its crazy with all the felons and serial killers in the world, but I see the silver lining in the darkest people. Maybe its a curse or maybe its a gift. 

Anyways for this post the song is "Have You Ever?" by Brandy. I've had plenty of heart breaks in my time and I've cried countless times because of a guy, but the tears that fall for J are different from the others. The tears that fall for J are every drop of hope I have that one day we will be brought together again. So yes Brandy, I have loved someone so much that I cry.

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to all of you readers who have read my blog and everything. It means a lot to me that people are reading this and I'm not just putting up useless posts. These posts help me and maybe they even help you.  I never thought that I would have so many people reading my blog when I first started. And it really touches my heart that people like you are out there reading this. So pat yourself on the back, go treat yourself to ice cream, or do something to treat yourself because you give me hope. Thank you for the support and please keep reading my blog and maybe even leave your thoughts in a comment.  

Building Walls

So after talking things over with a friend I've come to a realization that I need to build a wall around my heart to keep J out. Not to give up on him but to make it so that when or if I hear from him or about him I don't lose myself. I've been in a rut ever since I've heard word about J and things with me and him in his view. It's unhealthy that just a few words can throw me off. I need to keep the focus on me and not forget my goals and my life. I care about J but I can't put him in front of my own needs. 

I feel completely wrapped into J and that's not healthy, but it's just how strongly I feel for him. I need to not lose the love that I have for him but not let things get to me so easily. I've found myself more and more sensitive, yet still not voicing my feelings to those who have hurt them. I don't want to cause any drama for myself so when my feelings get hurt I try to just brush it off, but lately I feel like one more thing is just gunna break the camel's back. 

With the holidays just around the corner I find myself not really in the holiday spirit. I'm trying not to let last years holiday season ruin this years holiday season. And on top of the memories I have of last year, I still don't have a job. I don't want to be that one person who people didn't get gifts from because I'm a fuck up. My confidence has been like a seesaw lately, up one day down the next. My sanity has been out the window for a long time but I feel like more and more of it is going out there too. Soon enough I'll be pulling my hair out.

So one of my friends played this song for me after the whole thing with J's sister and her friends. And now with everything else happening and the tearing and ripping that people are doing to me; I find this song appropriate. People can talk all they want and I'm gunna just brush it off, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Scared to be Judged

Growing up I was told to follow my heart, and was shown to never give up on the ones you love and care about. So why should I give up on J? I've been one to not really care what people think of me, until those people are my family and friends. I'm scared that everyone in my life will think less of me, that I'm weak, stupid, foolish. But love makes us weak in the knees, it makes us stupid at times and definitely makes us foolish. In the end no one can really tell me what to do with my life and no one can really give me the advise I have been desperately seeking, since no one knew the relationship J and I had better than we did. 

But do I put my life on pause because of this? Definitely not my school life, but my "love" life. Although right now its already non-existent. It's definitely less complicating when you're single and keeping to yourself, and Lord knows I definitely don't need anything to complicate things in my life any more than it already is. I don't know where my life will go and who I will be in the years to come. So I really don't know what will happen between J and I, and it kills me that all I can do is wait.

So I changed the video of the week, since while I was making my bed "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls came on, and well it just hit hard. Songs are written to help the artist connect to their fans, I feel like this song explains how I feel right now. 

I Won't Give Up

Once again a mutual friend of J and I has given me a bit of information about J. And it was great to hear but hard to hear. As if I wasn't confused before, it's even worse now. My heart says he was the one and my head is saying he's going to go back to the drugs again. But I don't want to believe that. I wish I could just rewind time and change his mind when he just kept pushing the drugs. But I can't. I don't know how my parents would feel if I told them how I truly feel about J. I know him better than they do and he's not an animal he is not a bad person. His heart is pure of love and dreams, but he was simply poisoned by the terrible drugs that have destroyed his life before and now again. 

Hearing the words that he said about me made me want to hate him because I miss him so much that for some reason it's not okay for him to miss me. It doesn't make sense, I should hate him, but I don't. I know that he is a good man but he has definitely complicated everything. I know I haven't moved on (tried that) since him and I've been making all kinds of excuses as to why. But recently it has hit me hard to know that I'm just not ready to let go of J. 

I know that a lot of people aren't going to agree with my decisions and my parents are probably going to be among those people, but I'm going to prove them wrong. I'm going to show them that J is a good man I'm going to show them I'm a strong person. I put my support in J and I'm not ready to give up on him. I know the man he can be sober and ladies and gents let me tell you, your mind will be blown to think that J would have ever done what he did in December. 

I've heard the remorse in his voice during court, I've heard the concern that he has when he talks about me to his friends, I know that we have a connection that no one ever could try to explain. It hurts to know that he, too, thought that we were meant to be for each other. It's tears me apart that he didn't realize that before. 

So what do I do at this point, do I take the risk of hurting my family to hold on to the one person who actually understands me. It's not only that he feels that way but I do too. I've felt that way since we met and it scared me to think about losing him and now that I've almost lost him I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to set my back on my family. Will they hate me? Disown me? Kick me out?

On a lighter note though, I have a few years before I really need to decided what to do with J. He's still going to be in prison for a few more years so I don't even know where I will be then. I might have forgotten all about J and moved on with someone and moved far away from California. Or I could still be here in California holding on to my past and hoping it will be my future again. I don't know where I will be, who I will be, or even if I'll be alive or around once J sees the outside walls again. But I will continue to focus on my individual life and my own career before even thinking about a relationship. So bring on a longer dry spell. 

So I decided that every post will have a music video of the song that is kinda that song of the week/post. This week it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Its pretty much explains itself and its pretty clear as to why I would pick it, but for those who are slower... I'm not giving up on J and I'm not giving up on me. I'm going to follow my heart, but listen to my morals and beliefs. 

Word I Couldn't Say

I was cleaning my room a bit the other day, organizing my desk and I found a letter that I wrote for J when we first started dating. The things I said in that letter (which I never did give to him) could have changed a lot of things, and maybe it could have saved our relationship. I've been trying hard not to think so much on the what if's and the what could have been, but after reading that letter I was ambushed by guilt and self-hatred. If only I wasn't such a coward, if only I could have just said the things, that I ever so effortlessly wrote on paper, to J everything in December might not have happened. 

If I was just able to tell him that I was in love with the guy he was when he was sober, I wish that I had that strength in myself to tell him that. Sometimes it's hard to stand up and follow your heart when its the one that you love who is going against what you believe in and want. I was very insecure when it came to J, I was scared that he would have used with someone else if I hadn't given in, maybe that should have been the red flag. I was scared to give him an ultimatum because I was sure if he would have picked me. 

I'm really into music, and I often say that it saved my life. Music moves me in a way that nothing else does. Sometimes I hear songs that just describe exactly how I feel, as I'm sure everyone else does. This song "Words I couldn't Say" by the Rascal Flatts is a song that has been on my playlist ever since December and I thought I would share it with you here.

Starting to Lose it Again

Lately, I've been slowly sinking back into the hole that I've finally gotten out of. I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again and it's because Winter is near. Winter has never been a good time for me, even though Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas are in Winter. Some call it seasonal depression, I call it the season of hell. Yet every year I make it out of Winter alive, ready to greet the New Year. I've gotten better and better at masking my pain, letting people walk all over me, and really questioning things. 

My grandma's health is not well, her kidneys are starting to fail... She will be the first VERY close person to me to pass. I'm not ready for that. I used to think that my grandma was immortal that she was an angel that was sent down into my life. So hearing that she doesn't have much time left isn't something I can comprehend. 

I've been focusing so much on school and getting good grades that I've forgotten to live life as well. Although I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished this year, I find myself still thinking I could have done better. 

I cried today for the first time in a long time. I was starting to think I was finally finding myself and finally doing well, but tonight I just don't feel it. Maybe it's just an off day for me but these kinds of nights are what causes me to stress so much. 

I'm starting to feel more alone than I have ever. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. I "broke up" with one of my "best" friends cause of the person she has changed into. Another friend thinks I'm after her boyfriend's nuts (just for clarification, I'M NOT). I just don't feel like I can rely on anyone but myself these days, and I'm not even the most reliable for myself. So what's the point? Why am I still here? Clearly everyone would be better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm still here to fuck up everyone else's lives so they can feel how I feel. I just don't know anything anymore. I just don't care anymore. I just wish everything and everyone would disappear. I've been wanting to get in my car and just drive away from everything. Run away from my problems cause it's so much easier than dealing with them.