I was cleaning my room a bit the other day, organizing my desk and I found a letter that I wrote for J when we first started dating. The things I said in that letter (which I never did give to him) could have changed a lot of things, and maybe it could have saved our relationship. I've been trying hard not to think so much on the what if's and the what could have been, but after reading that letter I was ambushed by guilt and self-hatred. If only I wasn't such a coward, if only I could have just said the things, that I ever so effortlessly wrote on paper, to J everything in December might not have happened.
If I was just able to tell him that I was in love with the guy he was when he was sober, I wish that I had that strength in myself to tell him that. Sometimes it's hard to stand up and follow your heart when its the one that you love who is going against what you believe in and want. I was very insecure when it came to J, I was scared that he would have used with someone else if I hadn't given in, maybe that should have been the red flag. I was scared to give him an ultimatum because I was sure if he would have picked me.
I'm really into music, and I often say that it saved my life. Music moves me in a way that nothing else does. Sometimes I hear songs that just describe exactly how I feel, as I'm sure everyone else does. This song "Words I couldn't Say" by the Rascal Flatts is a song that has been on my playlist ever since December and I thought I would share it with you here.
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