Lately, I've been slowly sinking back into the hole that I've finally gotten out of. I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again and it's because Winter is near. Winter has never been a good time for me, even though Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas are in Winter. Some call it seasonal depression, I call it the season of hell. Yet every year I make it out of Winter alive, ready to greet the New Year. I've gotten better and better at masking my pain, letting people walk all over me, and really questioning things.
My grandma's health is not well, her kidneys are starting to fail... She will be the first VERY close person to me to pass. I'm not ready for that. I used to think that my grandma was immortal that she was an angel that was sent down into my life. So hearing that she doesn't have much time left isn't something I can comprehend.
I've been focusing so much on school and getting good grades that I've forgotten to live life as well. Although I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished this year, I find myself still thinking I could have done better.
I cried today for the first time in a long time. I was starting to think I was finally finding myself and finally doing well, but tonight I just don't feel it. Maybe it's just an off day for me but these kinds of nights are what causes me to stress so much.
I'm starting to feel more alone than I have ever. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. I "broke up" with one of my "best" friends cause of the person she has changed into. Another friend thinks I'm after her boyfriend's nuts (just for clarification, I'M NOT). I just don't feel like I can rely on anyone but myself these days, and I'm not even the most reliable for myself. So what's the point? Why am I still here? Clearly everyone would be better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm still here to fuck up everyone else's lives so they can feel how I feel. I just don't know anything anymore. I just don't care anymore. I just wish everything and everyone would disappear. I've been wanting to get in my car and just drive away from everything. Run away from my problems cause it's so much easier than dealing with them.
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