I Won't Give Up

Once again a mutual friend of J and I has given me a bit of information about J. And it was great to hear but hard to hear. As if I wasn't confused before, it's even worse now. My heart says he was the one and my head is saying he's going to go back to the drugs again. But I don't want to believe that. I wish I could just rewind time and change his mind when he just kept pushing the drugs. But I can't. I don't know how my parents would feel if I told them how I truly feel about J. I know him better than they do and he's not an animal he is not a bad person. His heart is pure of love and dreams, but he was simply poisoned by the terrible drugs that have destroyed his life before and now again. 

Hearing the words that he said about me made me want to hate him because I miss him so much that for some reason it's not okay for him to miss me. It doesn't make sense, I should hate him, but I don't. I know that he is a good man but he has definitely complicated everything. I know I haven't moved on (tried that) since him and I've been making all kinds of excuses as to why. But recently it has hit me hard to know that I'm just not ready to let go of J. 

I know that a lot of people aren't going to agree with my decisions and my parents are probably going to be among those people, but I'm going to prove them wrong. I'm going to show them that J is a good man I'm going to show them I'm a strong person. I put my support in J and I'm not ready to give up on him. I know the man he can be sober and ladies and gents let me tell you, your mind will be blown to think that J would have ever done what he did in December. 

I've heard the remorse in his voice during court, I've heard the concern that he has when he talks about me to his friends, I know that we have a connection that no one ever could try to explain. It hurts to know that he, too, thought that we were meant to be for each other. It's tears me apart that he didn't realize that before. 

So what do I do at this point, do I take the risk of hurting my family to hold on to the one person who actually understands me. It's not only that he feels that way but I do too. I've felt that way since we met and it scared me to think about losing him and now that I've almost lost him I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to set my back on my family. Will they hate me? Disown me? Kick me out?

On a lighter note though, I have a few years before I really need to decided what to do with J. He's still going to be in prison for a few more years so I don't even know where I will be then. I might have forgotten all about J and moved on with someone and moved far away from California. Or I could still be here in California holding on to my past and hoping it will be my future again. I don't know where I will be, who I will be, or even if I'll be alive or around once J sees the outside walls again. But I will continue to focus on my individual life and my own career before even thinking about a relationship. So bring on a longer dry spell. 

So I decided that every post will have a music video of the song that is kinda that song of the week/post. This week it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Its pretty much explains itself and its pretty clear as to why I would pick it, but for those who are slower... I'm not giving up on J and I'm not giving up on me. I'm going to follow my heart, but listen to my morals and beliefs.