Keeping It Cool

Man has it been hot lately, but the nice weather makes it perfect for adventures to new places. Been enjoying my time with T even though I get a bit mad sometimes I've been trying to keep my cool cause after all I'm still not over J. I have been talking to another guy but lets get real here I need to keep my cool and I don't think I can get mixed up with all these guys. Although I've had a crush on the guy since we met but I was dating his friend at the time. Plus T has reassured me of some things and even though I'm kinda awkward when it comes to talks and confrontations I'm glad he said something cause even though I think I know him I might not... I mean I thought I knew J but clearly I didn't. 

I've been having really bad headaches lately, never had them this bad before; might just be the stress I've been causing myself. 

I wish I could erase my memories of J, all of them, just erase him from my mind and heart. Maybe then I wouldn't be so confused. But these wishes are pointless because what happened happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. I hate that my heart still drops when I think of J and my stomach still flutters when I see a picture of him. I hate that I love a man who almost took my life. I should hate him, I should want him to rot in prison. 

I just need to take a break from things get away from life and take a vacation away from my troubles. But then I'd be driving myself crazy with the thoughts in my mind. I wish there was a way to stop thinking I try to distract myself with various things but that only works momentarily. I just need a new scenery, new faces. 

I chose the song "Clarity" by Zedd ft. Foxes because it reminds me of how I feel about J. Our relationship is insanity but he was my clarity. He's a piece of my past that I wish I could let go and move on from but he's the only guy who has made me feel like I'm actually alive and living for a reason. It doesn't make sense to me that a guy who is so "dangerous" for me is one of the only guys I feel safe with.