the New Year

(12/30/2012): With the New Year approaching I find myself thinking about the future more and more, but also looking in the past to see how much I've accomplished. I've changed so much from who I was in high school to the person I was when I got together with J and even more change to the person I am today. One of my high school boyfriends (who I will refer to as M), whom I've lost and gain contact with many times, has been talking to me again lately. And it has me thinking of who I was when I was with him and who I am now after J. I'm not sure what his intentions are since we have had our drama before; and we all know drama is the last thing I'm looking for. He told me he wanted to get back in contact and hang out again. So we hung out. He told me he could respect my space and he wouldn't try to make any moves, but I had many doubts about this. Thankfully he held to his word and only gave a parting hug. 

I really don't want to try for any kind of relationship with any guy right now. And although I'm flattered by M stating he is still protective of me, I still think of him as a pathological liar. And he has baby momma drama out of the wazoo. So he has baggage and right now so do I in a way. I've stopped calling myself single and am officially referring to myself as romantically challenged. Romance changes me and love makes me do stupid things. And right now I just need to be me. Only me. 

Although my single lifestyles have many flaws I would never accept during high school and before J, I've found myself happier alone. I miss being in a couple and having someone there but I need to be here for me right now. 

(01/02/2013) WOOOOO crazy New Years, every year my family (mainly my mom) puts together a family/friends party/get together for New Years Day. It's a bunch of fun, but as I get older I find myself a bit sad at this party. Often I try to help my mom out a lot and not really being able to hang out with my friends that come. I'm probably going to be the one who carries out this tradition when my mom hands down her torch. 

I think my one of favorite parts of the party (excuse my conceitedness) is getting compliments from people saying you're such a good helper. But the most rewarding part of it is at the end when my momma thanks me with a kiss on the forehead and a smile.

So for this post I picked "Endlessly" by The Cab it's one of my favorite songs, I heard it on the radio when I was driving on the back roads and it sparked up some memories of me and J. He's not perfect, clearly, but I think he's perfect for me (sober). Drugs aren't what he needs, he needs me; he needs someone to love him for the guy he really is. But there are still two years of no contact so I can only wait and see what happens. Who knows I might meet someone who changes my mind the way J did, or maybe not and I'm gunna end up as the crazy dog lady with a house full of dogs...