Stressin'

So school has started and I can already feel the stress of this semester starting. I'm quiet nervous about this semester, but I believe I can do it if I just focus on school. I mean I only go to school Monday through Wednesday, so if I just focus on school Monday through Friday then I can have the weekend to myself. 

My mom is recovering from surgery, but let me tell you I'm sick to my stomach sometimes. When I see my mom's leg I get a turning and tying feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hurts to see her in pain. It makes me think: Is this how people felt when they saw me? 

My thoughts of J have been very confused for the past week. One of my friends brought up something I really never thought of: J messed up my face, the first thing people see. I mean granted it was a temporary look (luckily), it doesn't change how much disrespect it was. But I can still hear that voice in my head saying: "That wasn't J it was the comedown, it was the comedown." At this point I still don't know who to listen to the voice in my head or my goddamn pride. I remember that night when me and J got back to his house I remember exactly what his sister said to me when I tried to get to J: "If you have any self respect walk away from him." Those words are always in my head whenever I think of J. People don't realize I do try not to feel the way I do but it's hard when I want to hold on to someone I'm not sure J wants to be. 

I was shocked to learn that some of J's friends, who slowly became my friends during and after our relationship, wanted to "kick his ass" for what he did to me. Of course with time though their anger simmered down. It was just nice to hear how much  they cared about me even though I was kinda just a random addition their group. I have a total new respect for them though. 

So I'm not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift's new music, actually this is the only new song of hers that I like. I picked "I knew you were trouble" because I mean I did know J's past with is ex-girlfriend and I knew how dangerous he could be with using. Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for disaster. I wish I had known more about additions going into this relationship because then maybe I wouldn't be here writing a blog about my experiences...