So the other day I didn't have much to do and I felt like going for a drive. I kinda just went on auto pilot until I turned onto Hicks Valley. It was the first time since December 2011 that I had been able to actually drive on that road. I was so scared to have flash back and have wave after wave of emotions take over me, So I avoided that road as much as possible, which was pretty easy since it's kind of in the middle of nowhere.
What I found interesting was my mind couldn't really remember the directions and the surroundings but my body did. I was looking for the specific spot where my nose was broken, I could remember seeing a white building but I wasn't sure how far. My nose knew though, cause right when I past a little white school house a piercing pain hit my nose. As I continued down the road my head started to hurt and started to feel like it was swelling up. It was like my body knew exactly where I was and what had happened, but my mind was working so hard to repress every memory from that day.
The only memory/thought I could remember during my drive was when J and I came down the road to this amazing view of Tamales Bay and I remember thinking to myself: "This would be a really romantic drive if we were coming down." I remember smiling at the sight of the ocean. I was like a child eager to get to the beach, with the deep deep blue sea insight. The hope I had when I saw the ocean was weird, for some reason I kept thinking in my head that the ocean meant I was strong enough to make it through it.
I've been trying to get out there again and meet some new people and trying to move on with my social life, but I'm only reminded of how socially awkward I can be. I don't know what it is, with J I felt like I never needed anyone else to approve of me and what I look like, but now I'm constantly worried about what people think of me. I'm trying on outfit after outfit after outfit in the mornings to find the right one. But I don't know who I'm trying to impress, myself or other people. I begin to doubt myself when meeting new people, guys especially. I'm trying not to rush myself but I'm so tired of being alone, not even the memories of J can keep me sane anymore.
Although I'm not specifically waiting for J to get out or anything, I find myself deflecting every single guy I've met lately. I either have a doubt about them or me and it always seems to not work out even before it starts. It's been so weird for me to not be wanting to find someone to spend time with and what not, but now it's even weirder trying to find someone to do that with. I miss J and maybe that is holding me back a little, but I'm starting to think that I would be selfish to think that me and J could ever have any kind of relationship.
I know the pain and hurt that many people who care about me went through because of what happened, and I don't ever want to cause that pain again. And I think that people are gunna be hurt if I try to have any kind of relationship with J, even if it's strictly platonic. I've been feeling guilty/selfish for wanting to be able to have a relationship with J again and not really caring about what other people might feel. I know they would be worried and I know there are a lot of risks involved. But I do care for J and I don't think that's ever gunna change. I still love him and sometimes you have to let go of those you love because it's best for both of you, but I'm just not sure yet if it is best for me to let him go.
I picked a song by Trapt called "Only One in Color" cause I've been feeling like there is no one else out there that makes me feel so complete the way J does, or did. I don't know who he is now but I hope he hasn't lost the man I love. Maybe J is the only person who can make such an ugly world look so beautiful. He showed me the color and beauty in the world and I hope that one day I can have that again.
I've been trying to get out there again and meet some new people and trying to move on with my social life, but I'm only reminded of how socially awkward I can be. I don't know what it is, with J I felt like I never needed anyone else to approve of me and what I look like, but now I'm constantly worried about what people think of me. I'm trying on outfit after outfit after outfit in the mornings to find the right one. But I don't know who I'm trying to impress, myself or other people. I begin to doubt myself when meeting new people, guys especially. I'm trying not to rush myself but I'm so tired of being alone, not even the memories of J can keep me sane anymore.
Although I'm not specifically waiting for J to get out or anything, I find myself deflecting every single guy I've met lately. I either have a doubt about them or me and it always seems to not work out even before it starts. It's been so weird for me to not be wanting to find someone to spend time with and what not, but now it's even weirder trying to find someone to do that with. I miss J and maybe that is holding me back a little, but I'm starting to think that I would be selfish to think that me and J could ever have any kind of relationship.
I know the pain and hurt that many people who care about me went through because of what happened, and I don't ever want to cause that pain again. And I think that people are gunna be hurt if I try to have any kind of relationship with J, even if it's strictly platonic. I've been feeling guilty/selfish for wanting to be able to have a relationship with J again and not really caring about what other people might feel. I know they would be worried and I know there are a lot of risks involved. But I do care for J and I don't think that's ever gunna change. I still love him and sometimes you have to let go of those you love because it's best for both of you, but I'm just not sure yet if it is best for me to let him go.
I picked a song by Trapt called "Only One in Color" cause I've been feeling like there is no one else out there that makes me feel so complete the way J does, or did. I don't know who he is now but I hope he hasn't lost the man I love. Maybe J is the only person who can make such an ugly world look so beautiful. He showed me the color and beauty in the world and I hope that one day I can have that again.
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