The book that I've been reading is definitely one I would recommend to everyone. As I've gone deeper in the book and Nic, the main character, is reflecting on the person/life he was/had while using and the person/life he is/has during his recovery. And I find myself doing that often, I think about the person I was back when I was using and how many people I let down and then I look at the person I am today and how great I'm doing. I've never been this truly happy with myself. And I'm not willing to give it up again, for anyone.
School is literally just around the corner... my nerves are all hyped up. I'm hopeful I can stay focused again this semester. I hope I can continue my own self projects while school goes on, theres a second book by Nic Sheff that I still have to read. :P
My mom got surgery done yesterday and is recovering in the hospital, she should be home tomorrow. I'm excited for her and hope that this surgery will help her not hurt anymore, hell maybe she'll even be able to go on a hike with me and the dog again like we used to. This past year has brought me and my mom closer than ever before. I find myself sharing more and more with her the more time we spend together. She has given me an infinite amount of support with everything. And although I'm sure she wouldn't wanna think of me and J ever getting back together she doesn't hate him and hopes that he gets the help he needs. I only wish my dad was as open hearted and minded as my mom.
While visiting my mom in the hospital my dad was reading the "trashy magazines" that my sister got for my mom to pass her boredom. He makes a comment about Rihanna and Chris Brown something along the lines of "she's back with that guy who beat the shit out of her." I know my dad isn't saying these things about me but I don't think he knows it cuts me deep to hear those things said. I know I shouldn't take it personal (especially since if December didn't happen I probably would have the same judgement on Rihanna) and I try not to so I keep quiet. But when I tell my therapist about some of the things that people say that I find offensive, she tells me to confront the people and let them know what they are saying is hurting me inside. I feel like I'm a kid again. Expressing my feelings.
I'm a big girl, I always thought crying was weakness,, and I grew up being a tom boy. But after December I've become VERY sensitive, empathetic, and weak (or at least that's what I would have called myself). It's interesting to me that I've grown stronger to the person I truly am yet weaker in the sense of what I used to think was weakness. But looking back now I see I am not weak because I cry I was weak because I cared about who people thought I was.
On a weird side note I've been having a lot of bizarre dreams lately. I had a dream a few nights ago that I killed on of my best friends. Then another night I had a dream that the same friend broke into my house just to pee, woke me up, and sat there as I yelled at her so much that her ear drums burst. Maybe I have some aggression I just need to get out... but not by abusing my best friend. (Thank god my parents got me a punching bag for my birthday)
So speaking of crying and what not I cried today, yesterday, the day before, and I think the day before that. I miss J. I miss hearing his voice. I miss the comfort he provided me. I miss his company. My thoughts of him have gone down I can make it days without thinking about him but I know my heart still has feelings for him. Even when I just think of him my heart beats fast and slow at the same time, my stomach gets the butterflies, and even my hands sweat a little as if they were still intertwined with his. But it's also weird, I used to be able to close my eyes and picture J's face as if he was right in front of me, but I only see a blank face now. I still have pictures of him so it's not like I've forgotten what he looks like, but I just no longer see him. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting the distance I needed to be less vulnerable.
So I'm not the biggest fan of Kanye West but I do like his song "Love Lockdown." I spend a lot of my time doodling when I'm feeling down and a few days ago I was just trying to kill some time since I couldn't sleep. And I guess I just drew whatever came to mind.... Here is the doodle I drew and the video for the song... Enjoy!
School is literally just around the corner... my nerves are all hyped up. I'm hopeful I can stay focused again this semester. I hope I can continue my own self projects while school goes on, theres a second book by Nic Sheff that I still have to read. :P
My mom got surgery done yesterday and is recovering in the hospital, she should be home tomorrow. I'm excited for her and hope that this surgery will help her not hurt anymore, hell maybe she'll even be able to go on a hike with me and the dog again like we used to. This past year has brought me and my mom closer than ever before. I find myself sharing more and more with her the more time we spend together. She has given me an infinite amount of support with everything. And although I'm sure she wouldn't wanna think of me and J ever getting back together she doesn't hate him and hopes that he gets the help he needs. I only wish my dad was as open hearted and minded as my mom.
While visiting my mom in the hospital my dad was reading the "trashy magazines" that my sister got for my mom to pass her boredom. He makes a comment about Rihanna and Chris Brown something along the lines of "she's back with that guy who beat the shit out of her." I know my dad isn't saying these things about me but I don't think he knows it cuts me deep to hear those things said. I know I shouldn't take it personal (especially since if December didn't happen I probably would have the same judgement on Rihanna) and I try not to so I keep quiet. But when I tell my therapist about some of the things that people say that I find offensive, she tells me to confront the people and let them know what they are saying is hurting me inside. I feel like I'm a kid again. Expressing my feelings.
I'm a big girl, I always thought crying was weakness,, and I grew up being a tom boy. But after December I've become VERY sensitive, empathetic, and weak (or at least that's what I would have called myself). It's interesting to me that I've grown stronger to the person I truly am yet weaker in the sense of what I used to think was weakness. But looking back now I see I am not weak because I cry I was weak because I cared about who people thought I was.
On a weird side note I've been having a lot of bizarre dreams lately. I had a dream a few nights ago that I killed on of my best friends. Then another night I had a dream that the same friend broke into my house just to pee, woke me up, and sat there as I yelled at her so much that her ear drums burst. Maybe I have some aggression I just need to get out... but not by abusing my best friend. (Thank god my parents got me a punching bag for my birthday)
So speaking of crying and what not I cried today, yesterday, the day before, and I think the day before that. I miss J. I miss hearing his voice. I miss the comfort he provided me. I miss his company. My thoughts of him have gone down I can make it days without thinking about him but I know my heart still has feelings for him. Even when I just think of him my heart beats fast and slow at the same time, my stomach gets the butterflies, and even my hands sweat a little as if they were still intertwined with his. But it's also weird, I used to be able to close my eyes and picture J's face as if he was right in front of me, but I only see a blank face now. I still have pictures of him so it's not like I've forgotten what he looks like, but I just no longer see him. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting the distance I needed to be less vulnerable.
So I'm not the biggest fan of Kanye West but I do like his song "Love Lockdown." I spend a lot of my time doodling when I'm feeling down and a few days ago I was just trying to kill some time since I couldn't sleep. And I guess I just drew whatever came to mind.... Here is the doodle I drew and the video for the song... Enjoy!
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