So right before J's court date today I heard about J's sister and her friends have been talking shit about me. It's been hard enough to try to fight for J and basically going against what every one else thinks I should do. But to hear about that and then while in court I sat there and didn't get one glimpse from him. It's been hard fighting outside for him and I'm sure he is having a hard time fighting for himself inside. I guess in my head I thought that maybe if he cared about me he would try to show me some reassurance, but at this point maybe he really never cared. I'm even more confused than I was in December.
Every time I start thinking I need to move on and I'm better than this another court date comes along and I get my hopes up that there would be a glimpse of reassurance or a simple smile from J in my direction. I don't know if he has been told to not look at me or maybe he's scared to look at me. It just hurts that he didn't even recognize my presents. I used to smile at the memories I had at him but after court the other day I finally feel the separation between J and I.
I feel like I'm starting to throw my life away for J and I don't think that I'm going to benefit from it much. I feel like I'm going against my family on this. My parents want him to get help but they also want him to serve time. He has already been in jail for four months, I think that he needs to get help with his drug addiction and maybe some anger management classes.
From now on I'm going to try to just not think about J and try to refocus on myself. I've been saying that ever since December but I'm finally coming to the realization that J and I just might be officially over. Maybe his sister knows something I don't and that's what's really bothering me about this whole situation is the lack of knowledge that I have on what J is feeling or thinking. This whole thing has me questioning a lot of things about my relationship with J.
Maybe it's time for me to just start a new chapter in my book of life and just leave J behind. Sometimes I feel my heart literally break when I talk about J with my friends and think about everything we had and what we could have had. With everything going on with J and court it's been hard to think about other things. I'm still not sure what the hell I wanna do with my life, and with this semester almost over I still don't have a job for the summer and I don't know what I want to do next semester. I don't know what I want to become in life and it's starting to scare me cause I'm 21 years old some if not most of my high school classmates are graduating this year from a state or a university and I'm just taking basketball and Spanish at our community college.
I've been thinking pretty negatively about myself lately; with not knowing what I want to do and all the mistakes that I have made. I know I made the decisions which lead to consequences but I wish I realized that before it was too late. My main regret was blowing things at San Jose State. I wasn't focused enough and I'm still not. I know that it's not too late to get my education and become something great, but I don't know what that something is, I'm so lost with life.
Every time I start thinking I need to move on and I'm better than this another court date comes along and I get my hopes up that there would be a glimpse of reassurance or a simple smile from J in my direction. I don't know if he has been told to not look at me or maybe he's scared to look at me. It just hurts that he didn't even recognize my presents. I used to smile at the memories I had at him but after court the other day I finally feel the separation between J and I.
I feel like I'm starting to throw my life away for J and I don't think that I'm going to benefit from it much. I feel like I'm going against my family on this. My parents want him to get help but they also want him to serve time. He has already been in jail for four months, I think that he needs to get help with his drug addiction and maybe some anger management classes.
From now on I'm going to try to just not think about J and try to refocus on myself. I've been saying that ever since December but I'm finally coming to the realization that J and I just might be officially over. Maybe his sister knows something I don't and that's what's really bothering me about this whole situation is the lack of knowledge that I have on what J is feeling or thinking. This whole thing has me questioning a lot of things about my relationship with J.
Maybe it's time for me to just start a new chapter in my book of life and just leave J behind. Sometimes I feel my heart literally break when I talk about J with my friends and think about everything we had and what we could have had. With everything going on with J and court it's been hard to think about other things. I'm still not sure what the hell I wanna do with my life, and with this semester almost over I still don't have a job for the summer and I don't know what I want to do next semester. I don't know what I want to become in life and it's starting to scare me cause I'm 21 years old some if not most of my high school classmates are graduating this year from a state or a university and I'm just taking basketball and Spanish at our community college.
I've been thinking pretty negatively about myself lately; with not knowing what I want to do and all the mistakes that I have made. I know I made the decisions which lead to consequences but I wish I realized that before it was too late. My main regret was blowing things at San Jose State. I wasn't focused enough and I'm still not. I know that it's not too late to get my education and become something great, but I don't know what that something is, I'm so lost with life.
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