I've started to go back to basketball class and the gym; it feels good to work out again. I cleaned up my room and got some new stuff it was time for a change in atmosphere and mood. I'm learning that the true friends are those who make an effort to hang out with me and it's not always me calling them up to see whats good. I've been realizing who my true friends are and who are the one's who are treating me like chop liver.
I've been finally getting to court for my own case and figuring out what I need to do and what I need to pay. I'm taking charge of my life again and it's feeling good. It's kinda funny how when I stop looking for a guy all of a sudden guys are interested. But I'm still in no position to start a relationship again. I wanna have a career before I start seriously dating again. Hopefully I won't turn down my mister right.
Realizing that I need to take responsibly for what has happened in my life is stressful cause it's so much easier to point the finger to someone else. But I feel that I'm growing up a bit these days.The job search is stressful right now. I've applied to MANY places and I've only heard back from TWO saying they CAN'T offer me a job.
Things have been weird between me and some of my friends do to my growth. It's been hard to hang out with one of my girls because she's always busy lately and it seems like she never wants to hang out, even when we are hanging out. I mean I love this girl to death and I ain't trying to talk shit about her its just I miss my best friend. I know we all grow apart but I really hope that's not the case. It's hard because we have so much fun together but with everything that's been going on I feel like I've been left in the dust.
On another subject, J's sister's birthday was the other day and since I've decided not to be a bitch I said happy birthday to her and we were civil. It hurts not being able to actually talk to his family about some of the shit that happened and I wish I had the balls to say somethings to them and let them know that I really am sorry for everything that happened. J will always be in my heart and I will probably still have feelings for him for a while but the growth I've gone through has made it possible for me to move on.
Everyone says there's at least one person in our lives that will get away and maybe in a way J will be that one for me. If it was a perfect world I would still be with J and everything wouldn't have happened. J was the kind of man I want to marry, except for the meth addiction. My life has been a roller coaster ever since December but I can feel it starting to slow down and left me just cruise for a bit.
I still tear up when I read the story that was in the paper on my birthday about that day. It's weird thinking that it actually happened sometimes it's just easier to act like it didn't. I guess that's one way to get over it just to repress it until it's no longer there. Sometimes my head feels like its spinning with all the flash backs I have with J it will go from happy times we spent with our friends or his dogs or just the two of us then flip to that day. I try to just remind myself of the good times we had. I loved J and part of me still does but sometimes you have to let go of those you love to see if they truly love you back.
My life is starting to be MINE again, I'm starting to live MY life for ME. And it's a great up lifting feeling for me because I've never been the kind of person to find true happiness within myself and the person I am.
Things have been weird between me and some of my friends do to my growth. It's been hard to hang out with one of my girls because she's always busy lately and it seems like she never wants to hang out, even when we are hanging out. I mean I love this girl to death and I ain't trying to talk shit about her its just I miss my best friend. I know we all grow apart but I really hope that's not the case. It's hard because we have so much fun together but with everything that's been going on I feel like I've been left in the dust.
On another subject, J's sister's birthday was the other day and since I've decided not to be a bitch I said happy birthday to her and we were civil. It hurts not being able to actually talk to his family about some of the shit that happened and I wish I had the balls to say somethings to them and let them know that I really am sorry for everything that happened. J will always be in my heart and I will probably still have feelings for him for a while but the growth I've gone through has made it possible for me to move on.
Everyone says there's at least one person in our lives that will get away and maybe in a way J will be that one for me. If it was a perfect world I would still be with J and everything wouldn't have happened. J was the kind of man I want to marry, except for the meth addiction. My life has been a roller coaster ever since December but I can feel it starting to slow down and left me just cruise for a bit.
I still tear up when I read the story that was in the paper on my birthday about that day. It's weird thinking that it actually happened sometimes it's just easier to act like it didn't. I guess that's one way to get over it just to repress it until it's no longer there. Sometimes my head feels like its spinning with all the flash backs I have with J it will go from happy times we spent with our friends or his dogs or just the two of us then flip to that day. I try to just remind myself of the good times we had. I loved J and part of me still does but sometimes you have to let go of those you love to see if they truly love you back.
My life is starting to be MINE again, I'm starting to live MY life for ME. And it's a great up lifting feeling for me because I've never been the kind of person to find true happiness within myself and the person I am.
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