Getting really tired of having to deal with the courts. Tomorrow is J's sentencing hearing and I really hope that I won't have to go to court again after this. I've been refocusing on me for the past couple of days and it feels good. I've been searching for a job and I can almost taste it. I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy with the relationship I had with J, I put in so much and got out so little to nothing.
I've been doing some real soul searching for what I want to do in life and I think I've come to the conclusion; now I just need to speak with the school consulor to get my classes on the right track. I'm scared to commit to something though because I've constantly changed my mind over the years. But I feel that if I look into and try it out I will get a better feeling if it's for me or not. I'm just scared that I'll let my parents down yet again.
All this stress is starting to get to me. Luckily, I've been going out and doing things with my friends to keep my mind off of everything. My life is starting to get back on track and it's because of the amazing support team I have.
On another note, there has been an ex-boyfriend who has been incontact with me since AFTER J got arrested. He has been pressuring me to go see him, but in reality as great of a guy he is I just have too much baggage. It's sweet that he wants to be there to support me but right now I can't accept support from any romantic figure. I will one day move on with someone else because I've come to realize there is NO excuse for almost killing someone you "love."
I've become comfortable in my own skin knowing what I survived and what I'm going through is making ME stronger. This is a time for my independence from men to grow and for me to find myself without finding it in a relationship. I've always felt inorder for me to be happy I would have to be in a relationship; but these days I'm realizing sometimes you need to have a love affair with yourself.
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