Giving up

I don't think I can do this anymore, I don't want to smother T but I don't want him talking to all these other girls. I think he made a new Skype account and is just being a camera whore with these other girls and I guess some would argue it's just online but in any case it's a sexual act and I just don't like it. He always argues that we aren't in a relationship and we aren't but is it so bad that I want one with him? Why is he the only one who doesn't see that? 

I feel like I'm just a toy he likes to play with, he tries to assure me he feels the same way but actions always speak louder than words. Clearly we don't agree on what is right and wrong, I don't know anymore. I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm his entertainment and when I'm not here he has no problem finding other girls to entertain him. I don't think I can do this I think I need to just realize me and t are only going to be friends and I need to start looking for someone who will appreciate me. 

I thought that finding older guys would mean they are more mature and up front about things but I guess I was wrong. I wish I could just find someone who realizes what he has. I just feel like I've been investing my everything in whatever kind of relationship me and t have and I've been getting a half ass appreciation (if any). 

I'm not going to include a song today because I'm writing on my cell phone but if you want to look up on YouTube my song for today would have been confidence by Joe dub I've gained a lot of confidence and I only have more to gain and I'm starting to stand up for myself and soon enough ain't nobody gunna stop me. 

New Semester

Sunday 8/18:
School starts tomorrow and I'm super excited. It's just another step to finishing my AA and starting a new chapter in my life. I'm finally moving forward with my life and I'm truly excited about my future for the first time of my life. I'm gunna miss the summer fun and all my adventure time with T but I'm sure we will find time to squeeze in an adventure or two. 

T and I have been working on spending some time apart here and there and I think school is gunna help me with that a lot. I don't know what it is I just get stressed out sometimes over things he thinks I shouldn't worry about. But when my feelings are hurt how am I just supposed to brush it off and not let him know? Am I just supposed to let him walk all over me?

Tuesday 8/20:
After meeting with my Interpersonal Communication teacher and learning about her teaching view, I got really excited for this semester. I wanted to take the class to work on me as a person and last semester I met this teacher outside of class and I wanted to take her class since she was always so alert with her students even after their class was over and my class was moving into the room. 

One big thing I found was that she has done Communication research with incarcerated men and how the general population views them. It's gunna be something I want to discuss with her, even if J and I will never be together romantically I'm still interested in such things because of what I've been through. I wish the best for J and for his sake I hope he chooses a sober life and hopefully he can get help for whatever else was the cause of his violence. He would make a great husband one day if he only knew how to deal with somethings. 

Even though it only been two days since school started I can tell its gunna help with T and I's relationship because I seem calmer and not so anxious when I come over. I'm not questioning everything he does when I'm not there anymore and it's been a great distraction. I've been trying to condition myself to not getting made so quickly at him, but it's definitely not easy. 

One thing that I have been annoyed with is he keeps reminding me he doesn't want a relationship. And he should know I get that by now but if he can't realize I'm not gunna wait around for him to figure out what he wants cause I finally know what I want and I'm wanting to move forward with my love life whether or not its with him. It sounds harsh but I feel like I've invested a lot in this and I'm starting to feel things for him and it hurts every time he says he just doesn't want a relationship because no matter what he says or what everyone else says I hear I don't want a relationship with you. I've been hurt before I fell hard for a guy and he only strung me on to leave me at a Safeway in Menlo Park crying. Or the guy that strung me on for years giving me hopes of a relationship only to find another girl he found more fitting for the girlfriend title. I'm done with this game guys play, sure girls play it too and I used to be one of those girls but after J, even during J my girlfriend thought mentality changed. 

So I decided to pick the song "Cups (When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick one because it's always stuck in my head and the beat puts me in a good mood. And two because I have a feeling if I can't handle being the side chick for T and I leave, I'm pretty sure he's gunna miss me. He's gunna have reminders, including the bed he sleeps in. I hope it doesn't end that way cause I know I'd miss him too. 

What Am I Doing Here?

Probably a question you should be able to answer with no problem when it comes to your significant other. But If T can be considered as my significant other, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm so confused with him. He says I take things too personal, but what if he's the one being inconsiderate? I guess I can't really get mad at him cause of the stressed fact that he doesn't want anything serious. 

I think it might be time to walk away, but how? How do I walk away when I know its gunna hurt. At this point I kinda want to just tell him look I'm falling for you and if you aren't gunna catch me tell me now so I can brace myself for the crash. 

I've been depressed for the past few days. Doesn't help that he's a bit depressed too. Maybe that's why I've become depressed, we all know how misery loves company. I just hate being that company until he's back on his feet then finds some other girl that he finds more attractive or whatever. It happened many times to me and you know I'm just sick of it. 

School starts in less than a week and I can't wait for the distraction. Also finally got some much needed answers about my Diversion Program. Hopefully in a few more days I will have some answers about getting my record expunged. And on top of school hopefully I'll be able to get a job at Applebee's. Even though things with T are starting to get questionable I know that my own future is finally looking up and right now that's really all I need to worry about. 

For today's post I decided to pick the song "Walk Away" by Olivia. When I listen to the lyrics it's like she's speaking about me and my situation right now with T. I feel like I need to walk away but I just can't, there's something holding me back. I wish that he would just see what I see when I look at him. 

Outta the rut

School is just around the corner. And I feel like I've been in a rut for the longest time. I'll be 23 years old in December with and AA in Spanish. I've been thinking about going to Boston Reed like a couple of my girlfriends have, but I have decided which program. And I feel like I'm finally breaking out of my rut that I've been in since High School. 

Since my Diverson Program is over I'm starting to look for places to apply for a job. Luckily one of my best friends is putting in a good word for me at her work. It's been almost two years since I've had a job. I've definitely learned my lesson though, cause I don't ever wanna end up behind bars and I really don't know how much more my parents could take. I think if I screw this up I'll be picked off the family tree, but who could blame them. I only hope that from this day on I make my family proud of me. 

I've always felt like the black sheep in the family. Seems like everyone in the family is so successful and then there's me. The one that just doesn't seem to fit. Don't get me wrong I know my family loves me and I'm pretty sure they know I love them too. But it just seems I let down the family the most. It's almost expected of my to let them down. And I want to break that reputation but is what I've done so far forgivable?

I've been having the same nightmare lately. It's just flashbacks really but they feel so real. I get scared to sleep at times. T has said that I jump in my sleep and make noises. Sometimes I wake up in sweat or tears. It's frustrating. 

On a positive note things between T and I have been great. I still get mad but I've been trying not to flip out as much. We've been doing a lot of active stuff and it's been a blast and I wish my summer could last forever. But I've been scared to tell him how I feel cause I know he doesn't want anything serious. I'm scared that my feelings are a lot stronger than his feelings and I don't even know if he's gunna want a relationship anytime soon or if he was serious about the two years. He said that pretty much all his past girlfriends have asked him out, and I'm just not that kind of girl. I don't know I like it when the guy asks me and plus I feel like I can't ask T out cause he's told me he wants to be single for a while. 

I chose the song "Marilyn" by G-Eazy for todays post because I don't know if these feelings for T are love but they are really strong but what if its just not right. What if we just met at the wrong time in our lives? Everyone says I need to not think about the "what-ifs" but that seems to be the only thoughts that consume my mind at times. But I know at this point I will be alright eventually if it doesn't work out. I mean if I can make it through what happened with J, I think I can handle whatever T has in store for me. 

What to do?

I hate that I have so many feelings for T cause I know he's not ready for a relationship and he wants to be single. And it hurts to be the one on the side. Just here when he wants at his own convenience. Here I am hoping that if I continue doing all these things for him he will eventually actually be ready for a relationship. I just wish I didn't have to go through all this questioning. I'm getting so frustrated with things. With my mind overwhelmed with T I haven't thought of J in a long time. 

I've been frustrated with T it's his birthday tomorrow and I wanted to make him feel special but it just seem like he's not happy. It's frustrating that all that I do for him is nothing. I don't get it. But with tomorrow being his birthday all I can do is bite my tounge and pretend not to be so hurt. 

School is starting in a few weeks and I can't wait. Maybe it will give me some time to think and just get away. I need to just get some space but when I get that space I'm stressed cause I know what he's doing while I'm gone. It's just ugh I don't know, I've never been this stuck. I care a lot about T but lately I feel like he could care less about me. 

Maybe I am just the one on the side for him. I'm just a piece of ass when he wants it. I'm the company he misses. It sucks cause I don't want to be the one on the side I want to be the one by his side. But in the end I'm getting hurt from this and I'm starting to fall back into my depression, well maybe more like worthless. I just wish I could be enough for him. 

I chose the song "Good Enough" by Evanescence because I think I'm good enough for T but I feel like he doesn't think the same. Am I good enough for T? Or could I even be too good for him? Maybe I deserve someone who will actually appreicate everything I do for him. 

Dreamland

Dreams, we all have them even if we can't remember them or don't want to remember them in the morning. Most of the time my dreams I don't remember in the morning, but some of them are so realistic I have a hard time separating them from reality. It's weird how most of the dream I do remember are the one's with J, but this one was different from the usual. 

I was walking with someone, a guy, I think his name was Andrew, and I see J with some girl. I see he has an ankle bracelet and has gained age and weight. As I attempted to introduce Andrew, my boyfriend?, I stubble on his name and clearly Andrew gets pissed and introduces himself. Then J introduces the girl, name was not caught, and that's when I woke up. I guess it's my head playing out scenarios of what will happen when J and I meet again, if we ever do. 

On another note things with T and me are pretty good for the most part. I need to learn to controol my temper and not flip out so much but our communication is getting a bit better. I'm kind of excited for school to start because I'll be taking Interpersonal Speech and one of my friends told me it help her learn better ways to communicate with people. This semester is kind of a fun semester. It should be my last semester until I figure out what to do after my AA, but I'm taking two classes and they are both "fun" classes. This semester is about building a better me.

For today's post I picked "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot because I feel like people have been waiting and watching for my next move after J. I have changed a bit since everything with J but I feel like there's still a huge change that needs to be made. Maybe my move is finding moving on into a relationship with someone else, finishing with school and getting my career, or moving out of California. I don't know what my huge move will be, but I'm excited to see it and I'm not gunna let anyone hold me back this time.

Father's Hurtful Words

It's no secret that my father and I don't get along very well, and often get in fights. Well today was no different, what I thought was just a trip to the store became an intervention on how much I fail at life. I'm 22 years old with no idea with what career I want, but I'm only a semester away from my AA in Spanish. I have a few ideas as where I want to go from there but I haven't made a solid decision yet. Yet all my father sees is me wasting my life away running around. 

With August just around the corner that means my Diversion Program will be over, but I'm still a bit confused as to what happens after that. I was told that my record could be cleaned after I complete the Diversion Program, but I'm not sure if I have to take farthur actions. I understand my father's concerns but he needs to learn how to communicate better. I'm sick of feeling belittled by him. 

Things with T and I are doing better we are communicating better for the most part, I need to work on telling him why I'm mad versus just running away from our arguements. We had one fight about me feeling unwanted and how much I hate that he doesn't cuddle with me. But I mean I guess there are people who really don't cuddle and T just happens to be one of them. But after our arguement he did cuddle with me more, so it's nice to see him trying. And it reassures me that he does care and even if we aren't in a relationship he's still willing to compromise. So now I have to compromise and stop being so bipolar. 

I'm not bipolar but there are a lot of things that run through my mind and I often don't share them. Sometimes my thoughts can make me really angery and I flip out. For someone who can't read my mind I might come off as bipolar. There are clearly communication skills I need to work on myself because when I get upset my automatic response is to to shut down then flip out. Not effective at all I know, but its been how I deal with things for years. But as I grow I'm learning to comunicate better. 

I chose the song "Perfect" by Simple Plan, I used to be obsessed with them in middle school. This song has always been one of my favorites because of how close it relates to me sometimes. Of course I want to make my parents proud of me and I realize I haven't done a great job at it so far, but I am trying. Can't they see that?