Outta the rut

School is just around the corner. And I feel like I've been in a rut for the longest time. I'll be 23 years old in December with and AA in Spanish. I've been thinking about going to Boston Reed like a couple of my girlfriends have, but I have decided which program. And I feel like I'm finally breaking out of my rut that I've been in since High School. 

Since my Diverson Program is over I'm starting to look for places to apply for a job. Luckily one of my best friends is putting in a good word for me at her work. It's been almost two years since I've had a job. I've definitely learned my lesson though, cause I don't ever wanna end up behind bars and I really don't know how much more my parents could take. I think if I screw this up I'll be picked off the family tree, but who could blame them. I only hope that from this day on I make my family proud of me. 

I've always felt like the black sheep in the family. Seems like everyone in the family is so successful and then there's me. The one that just doesn't seem to fit. Don't get me wrong I know my family loves me and I'm pretty sure they know I love them too. But it just seems I let down the family the most. It's almost expected of my to let them down. And I want to break that reputation but is what I've done so far forgivable?

I've been having the same nightmare lately. It's just flashbacks really but they feel so real. I get scared to sleep at times. T has said that I jump in my sleep and make noises. Sometimes I wake up in sweat or tears. It's frustrating. 

On a positive note things between T and I have been great. I still get mad but I've been trying not to flip out as much. We've been doing a lot of active stuff and it's been a blast and I wish my summer could last forever. But I've been scared to tell him how I feel cause I know he doesn't want anything serious. I'm scared that my feelings are a lot stronger than his feelings and I don't even know if he's gunna want a relationship anytime soon or if he was serious about the two years. He said that pretty much all his past girlfriends have asked him out, and I'm just not that kind of girl. I don't know I like it when the guy asks me and plus I feel like I can't ask T out cause he's told me he wants to be single for a while. 

I chose the song "Marilyn" by G-Eazy for todays post because I don't know if these feelings for T are love but they are really strong but what if its just not right. What if we just met at the wrong time in our lives? Everyone says I need to not think about the "what-ifs" but that seems to be the only thoughts that consume my mind at times. But I know at this point I will be alright eventually if it doesn't work out. I mean if I can make it through what happened with J, I think I can handle whatever T has in store for me.