Chubby Face

So I saw a more recent picture of J, and man does he look sober. He's gained weight, grown some weird facial hair and looks like he's finally finding peace in his life. It's nice to know that he has been actually working on his sobriety and to what it looks like has been clean. I wish I could visit him. Seeing him sober in the picture and seeing him look so much better makes my heart sink. My emotions are high today and it sucks cause it's my best friend's birthday but I really don't feel like doing anything but hiding in bed. 

As much as I'm in pain I need to continue going on with my life. I need to keep focus on getting through my school work and doing what makes me happy. I have to know that J is getting better, it kind of gives me a bit of closure. 

Even though I've been spending time with T, J has been creeping in my mind again. For a while he was only a memory but although T makes me feel great I feel the spark fading. I still feel the warmth from the spark J gave me. I feel like T and I  are using each other in a way... both using the other to escape from missing someone else. 

Anyways I'm not the biggest Justin Bieber fan, but I do like some of his songs. I picked "Nothing Like Us" on of his newer songs. 

Life's a Beach

And I'm just playing in the sand. Been spending more time with T, the new guy, and we some how find our way to a beach often. He's a photographer so he took some awesome pictures, I attached one of me. The beach has been a great place to relax and let everything go. I've been on top of my school work enough to make time to relax. I feel so at peace with myself, and T just adds a little skip to my step. But I've been distancing myself from him because I just can't get close to a guy right now. I'm still not stable enough for that. But T is a great friend and we have fun hanging out at the beach. 

My Valentine's Day in the Marin Headlands.

Valentine's Day was just another day, spent the afternoon at the beach with T, this picture was taken that day. Secretly did a lot of soul searching on the beach. Listening to the calm waves crash, watching the water rise and fall. The beach has always been my home away from home. I love the water. Even though the sand is quiet annoying, I love burying my feet in the wet sand. That day was beautiful too, sunny and surprisingly warm; the water was freezing though. I even faced a fear. There was a rock that was somewhat in the water and the waves hit it hard almost able to knock someone off the rock. Well I climbed on that rock and with fear in my heart T got some awesome pictures of that too. 

Facing my fears as they come.

Anyways today's song is "Some Beach" by Blake Shelton. Cause clearly I love the beach. It's the best stress reliever. With summer coming soon and the weather heating up, I'll probably be spending a lot more time at the beach or river, somewhere with water. Hope you're enjoying the weather as much as I am.

A taste of a new beginning

So I've been hanging out a lot with one of my guy friends and I wasn't sure about what he felt for me until he kissed me. And although I know that he and I are both not in a place for a relationship its nice to feel those butterflies again. I've been kind of surprised with my hope to find love again and how quickly I bounced back after J. Sure I still love and miss him and wish I could be with him but I need to face the facts and move on. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. My relationship/friendship with the new guy is gunna take it's time, cause I'm not over J and he just got out of relationship himself. Both going through transitions, just not wanting to be alone. It might just be perfect timing too since Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I hate Valentine's Day (even when I have a bf). I think it's stupid that people want an excuse to show the person they love that they love them... shouldn't they be doing that everyday? I mean sure I don't expect a guy to do everything that they are expected to do on Valentine's Day but it really is true, it's the little things that count. 

Although I'm crushing on the new guy, J will always be part of my life. He was my best friend and I could talk to him for hours about anything and everything. He knows me better than some of my friends do, but with everything that has happened and the time that has gone by I don't know if I can forgive him to the point of letting him have my heart again. I don't know if I'd be able to keep my strength if he comes back into my life. And I know the only way I'm gunna make my dreams happen is if I keep my strength and find those who add to it. 

It's been weird to have another guy on my mind more than J, maybe weird isn't the right word but it's definitely a change. I feel like I'm getting too ahead of myself here, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything. But I'm really comfortable around him and I haven't felt that comfort with any guy since J.

So I picked "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes for today's post because it's kinda nice to be wanted by someone else. It's nice to know I could move on and that I'm growing stronger and I guess in a way I'm growing apart from J. It's a hard thing to think about and I'm still VERY confused with what I'm going to do. But it's just nice to know that there are other guys out there who can make me feel wanted and beautiful. There are other guys who help me be the better me... the new guy actually helped me save a wild bird we found at Tennessee Valley Beach. Ever since this school semester started I've been getting into Biology and the wildlife, and the opportunity struck and I got to help the poor thing from death, literally chased away hawks and carried it 2 miles to the trail head to give to the Humane Society. Anyways I'm also including a picture of Ernie, the bird that we saved, you can see the injury on his neck. 

  

Lessons Learned

Over the weekend me and a girlfriend went on a nice hike and vented to each other and I came to new thoughts of this journey. I've learned my lesson and I know that me and J can't go back to the way it was before, and I can only hope that he has learned his lesson and sees that we both need to make changes for us to have any kind of friendship again.

I've been breaking down a lot lately. Twice in the last week. It's weird how I can be torn so easily by people, people I barely know and who barely know me. Last night I had an "old friend" message me over Facebook (good ole facebook always causing drama) and we did the normal catch up and when I told him I went through a hard time due to a heartbreak he was just an ass about it all. Granted when I knew him I wasn't the kind of girl to be in a commitment of any kind, but it just bothered me that he thought I wouldn't grow out of that stage. That I wouldn't grow up. I cried. I know I shouldn't care what this low life thinks of me and my ability (or lack of ability) to commit to someone (until J came around). Maybe he was the one who never grew up. 

I remember a day where I would just laugh at what those kinds of people would say about me. But I don't know what has changed but I'm constantly trying to impress people now. I try so hard to be strong and only show my strengths. But I am only human. 

I have been terrified that I will never be ready to trust men again. Well I guess it's not trust as much as comparing any guy to J. I know I probably can't move on until I stop comparing other guys to J cause in reality none of them are him. I've been deflecting guys left and right, giving them reasons to not be interested in me, and really shutting down. But I still have hope, hope that I will fall in love again. Sure right now love is the last thing I want to happen for me right now cause I just know I'll get hurt again. I've started to repel the guys I want to get to know because if I get attached I might get hurt. I miss not having the fear to fall in love. 

For this post I choice to pick "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood. Everyone has regrets and everyone makes mistakes. My English teacher had a saying he used to say to the class to get us to actually do the homework: "Being a success or an excuse is your choice." Just like our mistakes, we can learn from our mistakes and make the changes to fix the mistakes or we can let the mistakes repeat themselves. It's our choice. I've choose to learn my lesson and even though I'm still willing to take a risk with talking to J again I know that there will need to be change for our mistake to never happen again. 

I wonder

I used to be very into poetry during high school; I used to write a lot of poetry. The words used to come really easily to me but after awhile I became less interested in it and it became harder to write. But with all the emotions I've been swinging in I've managed to write a short poem and I wanted to share it with you. It's call "I wonder":

Wonder if they know,

know my pain,

know my strength,

the strength to pull me up.

Wonder if he even cares,

if he loves,

if he fears,

fears the day I won't be there.

Wonder if I'll move on,

on to the next,

on my own way,

way too far for him.

Wonder if we'll grow,

grow together,

grow apart,

apart today, together tomorrow.

I naturally chose "I wonder" by Sixto Rodriguez for this post. I wonder so much about J because of the criminal protective order and the inability to be in contact with each other. There are so many questions I wish I knew the answers to but for now they remain unknown. I wonder if he really does miss me. If he does care about me. If he truly wants to seek sobriety. But I also wonder how things will be if he does come back. How will the people I love and care react to his return? How will I react? Will I even want him in my life again? There are so many questions that only time can answer, but I'm starting to be impatient. 

Driving Myself Insane

So the other day I didn't have much to do and I felt like going for a drive. I kinda just went on auto pilot until I turned onto Hicks Valley. It was the first time since December 2011 that I had been able to actually drive on that road. I was so scared to have flash back and have wave after wave of emotions take over me, So I avoided that road as much as possible, which was pretty easy since it's kind of in the middle of nowhere. 

What I found interesting was my mind couldn't really remember the directions and the surroundings but my body did. I was looking for the specific spot where my nose was broken, I could remember seeing a white building but I wasn't sure how far. My nose knew though, cause right when I past a little white school house a piercing pain hit my nose. As I continued down the road my head started to hurt and started to feel like it was swelling up. It was like my body knew exactly where I was and what had happened, but my mind was working so hard to repress every memory from that day.

The only memory/thought I could remember during my drive was when J and I came down the road to this amazing view of Tamales Bay and I remember thinking to myself: "This would be a really romantic drive if we were coming down." I remember smiling at the sight of the ocean. I was like a child eager to get to the beach, with the deep deep blue sea insight. The hope I had when I saw the ocean was weird, for some reason I kept thinking in my head that the ocean meant I was strong enough to make it through it. 

I've been trying to get out there again and meet some new people and trying to move on with my social life, but I'm only reminded of how socially awkward I can be. I don't know what it is, with J I felt like I never needed anyone else to approve of me and what I look like, but now I'm constantly worried about what people think of me. I'm trying on outfit after outfit after outfit in the mornings to find the right one. But I don't know who I'm trying to impress, myself or other people. I begin to doubt myself when meeting new people, guys especially. I'm trying not to rush myself but I'm so tired of being alone, not even the memories of J can keep me sane anymore. 

Although I'm not specifically waiting for J to get out or anything, I find myself deflecting every single guy I've met lately. I either have a doubt about them or me and it always seems to not work out even before it starts. It's been so weird for me to not be wanting to find someone to spend time with and what not, but now it's even weirder trying to find someone to do that with. I miss J and maybe that is holding me back a little, but I'm starting to think that I would be selfish to think that me and J could ever have any kind of relationship.

I know the pain and hurt that many people who care about me went through because of what happened, and I don't ever want to cause that pain again. And I think that people are gunna be hurt if I try to have any kind of relationship with J, even if it's strictly platonic. I've been feeling guilty/selfish for wanting to be able to have a relationship with J again and not really caring about what other people might feel. I know they would be worried and I know there are a lot of risks involved. But I do care for J and I don't think that's ever gunna change. I still love him and sometimes you have to let go of those you love because it's best for both of you, but I'm just not sure yet if it is best for me to let him go. 

I picked a song by Trapt called "Only One in Color" cause I've been feeling like there is no one else out there that makes me feel so complete the way J does, or did. I don't know who he is now but I hope he hasn't lost the man I love. Maybe J is the only person who can make such an ugly world look so beautiful. He showed me the color and beauty in the world and I hope that one day I can have that again. 

Stressin'

So school has started and I can already feel the stress of this semester starting. I'm quiet nervous about this semester, but I believe I can do it if I just focus on school. I mean I only go to school Monday through Wednesday, so if I just focus on school Monday through Friday then I can have the weekend to myself. 

My mom is recovering from surgery, but let me tell you I'm sick to my stomach sometimes. When I see my mom's leg I get a turning and tying feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hurts to see her in pain. It makes me think: Is this how people felt when they saw me? 

My thoughts of J have been very confused for the past week. One of my friends brought up something I really never thought of: J messed up my face, the first thing people see. I mean granted it was a temporary look (luckily), it doesn't change how much disrespect it was. But I can still hear that voice in my head saying: "That wasn't J it was the comedown, it was the comedown." At this point I still don't know who to listen to the voice in my head or my goddamn pride. I remember that night when me and J got back to his house I remember exactly what his sister said to me when I tried to get to J: "If you have any self respect walk away from him." Those words are always in my head whenever I think of J. People don't realize I do try not to feel the way I do but it's hard when I want to hold on to someone I'm not sure J wants to be. 

I was shocked to learn that some of J's friends, who slowly became my friends during and after our relationship, wanted to "kick his ass" for what he did to me. Of course with time though their anger simmered down. It was just nice to hear how much  they cared about me even though I was kinda just a random addition their group. I have a total new respect for them though. 

So I'm not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift's new music, actually this is the only new song of hers that I like. I picked "I knew you were trouble" because I mean I did know J's past with is ex-girlfriend and I knew how dangerous he could be with using. Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for disaster. I wish I had known more about additions going into this relationship because then maybe I wouldn't be here writing a blog about my experiences...