Lessons Learned

Over the weekend me and a girlfriend went on a nice hike and vented to each other and I came to new thoughts of this journey. I've learned my lesson and I know that me and J can't go back to the way it was before, and I can only hope that he has learned his lesson and sees that we both need to make changes for us to have any kind of friendship again.

I've been breaking down a lot lately. Twice in the last week. It's weird how I can be torn so easily by people, people I barely know and who barely know me. Last night I had an "old friend" message me over Facebook (good ole facebook always causing drama) and we did the normal catch up and when I told him I went through a hard time due to a heartbreak he was just an ass about it all. Granted when I knew him I wasn't the kind of girl to be in a commitment of any kind, but it just bothered me that he thought I wouldn't grow out of that stage. That I wouldn't grow up. I cried. I know I shouldn't care what this low life thinks of me and my ability (or lack of ability) to commit to someone (until J came around). Maybe he was the one who never grew up. 

I remember a day where I would just laugh at what those kinds of people would say about me. But I don't know what has changed but I'm constantly trying to impress people now. I try so hard to be strong and only show my strengths. But I am only human. 

I have been terrified that I will never be ready to trust men again. Well I guess it's not trust as much as comparing any guy to J. I know I probably can't move on until I stop comparing other guys to J cause in reality none of them are him. I've been deflecting guys left and right, giving them reasons to not be interested in me, and really shutting down. But I still have hope, hope that I will fall in love again. Sure right now love is the last thing I want to happen for me right now cause I just know I'll get hurt again. I've started to repel the guys I want to get to know because if I get attached I might get hurt. I miss not having the fear to fall in love. 

For this post I choice to pick "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood. Everyone has regrets and everyone makes mistakes. My English teacher had a saying he used to say to the class to get us to actually do the homework: "Being a success or an excuse is your choice." Just like our mistakes, we can learn from our mistakes and make the changes to fix the mistakes or we can let the mistakes repeat themselves. It's our choice. I've choose to learn my lesson and even though I'm still willing to take a risk with talking to J again I know that there will need to be change for our mistake to never happen again.