What to do?

I hate that I have so many feelings for T cause I know he's not ready for a relationship and he wants to be single. And it hurts to be the one on the side. Just here when he wants at his own convenience. Here I am hoping that if I continue doing all these things for him he will eventually actually be ready for a relationship. I just wish I didn't have to go through all this questioning. I'm getting so frustrated with things. With my mind overwhelmed with T I haven't thought of J in a long time. 

I've been frustrated with T it's his birthday tomorrow and I wanted to make him feel special but it just seem like he's not happy. It's frustrating that all that I do for him is nothing. I don't get it. But with tomorrow being his birthday all I can do is bite my tounge and pretend not to be so hurt. 

School is starting in a few weeks and I can't wait. Maybe it will give me some time to think and just get away. I need to just get some space but when I get that space I'm stressed cause I know what he's doing while I'm gone. It's just ugh I don't know, I've never been this stuck. I care a lot about T but lately I feel like he could care less about me. 

Maybe I am just the one on the side for him. I'm just a piece of ass when he wants it. I'm the company he misses. It sucks cause I don't want to be the one on the side I want to be the one by his side. But in the end I'm getting hurt from this and I'm starting to fall back into my depression, well maybe more like worthless. I just wish I could be enough for him. 

I chose the song "Good Enough" by Evanescence because I think I'm good enough for T but I feel like he doesn't think the same. Am I good enough for T? Or could I even be too good for him? Maybe I deserve someone who will actually appreicate everything I do for him. 

Dreamland

Dreams, we all have them even if we can't remember them or don't want to remember them in the morning. Most of the time my dreams I don't remember in the morning, but some of them are so realistic I have a hard time separating them from reality. It's weird how most of the dream I do remember are the one's with J, but this one was different from the usual. 

I was walking with someone, a guy, I think his name was Andrew, and I see J with some girl. I see he has an ankle bracelet and has gained age and weight. As I attempted to introduce Andrew, my boyfriend?, I stubble on his name and clearly Andrew gets pissed and introduces himself. Then J introduces the girl, name was not caught, and that's when I woke up. I guess it's my head playing out scenarios of what will happen when J and I meet again, if we ever do. 

On another note things with T and me are pretty good for the most part. I need to learn to controol my temper and not flip out so much but our communication is getting a bit better. I'm kind of excited for school to start because I'll be taking Interpersonal Speech and one of my friends told me it help her learn better ways to communicate with people. This semester is kind of a fun semester. It should be my last semester until I figure out what to do after my AA, but I'm taking two classes and they are both "fun" classes. This semester is about building a better me.

For today's post I picked "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot because I feel like people have been waiting and watching for my next move after J. I have changed a bit since everything with J but I feel like there's still a huge change that needs to be made. Maybe my move is finding moving on into a relationship with someone else, finishing with school and getting my career, or moving out of California. I don't know what my huge move will be, but I'm excited to see it and I'm not gunna let anyone hold me back this time.

Father's Hurtful Words

It's no secret that my father and I don't get along very well, and often get in fights. Well today was no different, what I thought was just a trip to the store became an intervention on how much I fail at life. I'm 22 years old with no idea with what career I want, but I'm only a semester away from my AA in Spanish. I have a few ideas as where I want to go from there but I haven't made a solid decision yet. Yet all my father sees is me wasting my life away running around. 

With August just around the corner that means my Diversion Program will be over, but I'm still a bit confused as to what happens after that. I was told that my record could be cleaned after I complete the Diversion Program, but I'm not sure if I have to take farthur actions. I understand my father's concerns but he needs to learn how to communicate better. I'm sick of feeling belittled by him. 

Things with T and I are doing better we are communicating better for the most part, I need to work on telling him why I'm mad versus just running away from our arguements. We had one fight about me feeling unwanted and how much I hate that he doesn't cuddle with me. But I mean I guess there are people who really don't cuddle and T just happens to be one of them. But after our arguement he did cuddle with me more, so it's nice to see him trying. And it reassures me that he does care and even if we aren't in a relationship he's still willing to compromise. So now I have to compromise and stop being so bipolar. 

I'm not bipolar but there are a lot of things that run through my mind and I often don't share them. Sometimes my thoughts can make me really angery and I flip out. For someone who can't read my mind I might come off as bipolar. There are clearly communication skills I need to work on myself because when I get upset my automatic response is to to shut down then flip out. Not effective at all I know, but its been how I deal with things for years. But as I grow I'm learning to comunicate better. 

I chose the song "Perfect" by Simple Plan, I used to be obsessed with them in middle school. This song has always been one of my favorites because of how close it relates to me sometimes. Of course I want to make my parents proud of me and I realize I haven't done a great job at it so far, but I am trying. Can't they see that? 

My Little Green Monster

My jealousy is gunna get me in trouble one day. I keep picking fights with T about all these girls he talks to and I guess I need to grow up a bit. But it just makes me uncomfortable cause we aren't together so I don't know what he's looking for in these girls. I've been a jealous girlfriend ever since I started dating (clearly I have some insecurities I need to work out), but right now with T has been some of the worse jealousy I've felt. 

We've been able to work things out every time and I've realized I need to stop giving him crap for something that he has apologized and explained and hasn't repeated. There are a few things I need to work on personally before I can get into a relationship. Although I know I'm close to being ready for a relationship again. I want a relationship but to get into one while I still think about J is just not right. 

My thoughts of J are less common and less happy. I think I'm finally realizing how much we can't work out and how much I need to protect myself right now. He broke me there's no denying that; I'm a damaged girl but I'm healing. Slowly but surely I will show everyone just how strong I really am. 

Maybe for right now what me and T have is just what we both need. Nothing serious but someone there. I care about him and I hope he see that. It's nice to have someone who is completely honest even if sometimes it hurts. And really even if we aren't titled or what not it's been good to have him around, in a way he's helped me realize that there are guys out there who wouldn't hit a woman, no matter what. He's helped me grow. Weridly enough I've been seeing T longer than I dated J. 

I chose "That Sunset" by The Lonely Biscuits, I found these guys a few months ago on YouTube and fell inlove instantly. The guy (Pitter) who does the chorus has an amazing voice. And the vibes I get from their songs is so chill. And Gravy, the guy who does the "rapping" has such a good flow. But this song kinda reminds me to just relax and chill, not stress so much.

Feeling Foolish

It's no secret I'm a jealous person when it comes to my significant other, but I think I need to start working on not being so jealous. I stress myself out too much because of how jealous I can get over some of the smallest things. On top of that it's hard for me to get over things; I try not to hold grudges but it sometimes I just can't let go of somethings. My jealousy has been going crazy with T. 

T recently got an account to a website (which I have an account to as well, and he used to make fun of me for having) and well it's got me kinda bothered. I guess I can't be too mad since I have one too. But he seems to feel the need to sneak around on it... he seems to only go on when I'm asleep or gone. We've had an arguement about something that happened with one of the girls from the site and ever since then I've questioned his motives on the site. My fear of being replaced really kicks in here. 

I've been thinking about deleting my account because I feel like my jealouy goes crazy when I look at his profile and all these chicks. But if I delete it will he delete his? I doubt it and I don't even think I want to think about asking him about that. 

Still haven't been to therapy in a while, but I've been managing a bit better. I still think I need to go back though, but my therapist is on vacation. She's been in contact though, bless her heart. 

I chose "Foolish" by Ashanti because well lately i've noticed even after all the stress and jealousy I go through because of T, I still hang out with him everyday. He's become my best friend but I still feel like I can't talk to him about somethings. 

Great Night

T and I had a great night, I finally felt that attractiviness I needed to feel from him. It was nice to have it just be the two of us and just relaxing together. I wish we could have these nights more often. 

I'm excited for what we have planned tomorrow. Early morning beach trip to watch the sunrise and hopefully see some awesome wildlife. I've noticed how we have good days and bad days like every "couple" has, and I just need to remember the good days when we are having a bad day. He is a great guy, he's honest (as far as I know) and he's real. I don't know how else to say it T just says what he thinks whether or not it offends me. But when it come to him talking about J, I understand the misunderstanding of my feelings for J. I've learned to stop comparing T to J cause in the end T is the better man.

Well today's post is short but I chose the song "Space Love" by Poetik not cause it means anything I just really like it. I've been listening to a lot of T's music, which I enjoy since I love discovering new music and new bands. 

Frustrated

I officially know what it's like to be the guy who is denied sex every night. I've been aroused for the last three days and I've been staying at T's but every time I try to make my move he either moves away, doesn't seem interested, or just tries to make up an excuse. He's a guy shouldn't he be into this stuff? I just don't get it. This really isn't helping my insecurities either... nor my moodiness.

I just don't know what to do... do I keep trying and keep getting denied? Or do I just give up and tell T we should just be friends (without the benefits)? It's hard when I like him and he claims he likes me but is it the truth or is it just what he thinks I want to hear? I just don't know anymore. I used to be so confident in my intuition on people but after J I haven't had much confidence in anything. 

Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking, stop stressing, stop over analyzing every little thing. But I don't have that comfort anymore. I don't have that warm feeling. It's was there but now it's gone and I don't know if it's going to come back. Maybe when things are not so much in the air with everything; maybe then I can just relax and not be so stressed. But with how confusing things can be in this type of a situation I don't see myself relaxing anytime soon. But I should have known better I've never been good with the whole "friends with benefits" or "fuck buddies" or "cuddle buddies" or whatever you call someone who isn't your boyfriend. I get too attached and my jealousy comes out ESPECIALLY when there's other girls that he's talking to. 

I chose the song "Chill" by Blake Shelton for today's post because I need to just chill. I need to take a break from my stress and just relax somewhere with an iced cold beer and no worries. By the end of this summer I hope to have things a bit more straightened out in my life and know where I stand with T.