Stress Stress Stress I need a REST

Well I finally figured out that I do still need therapy, haven't been in a while and lately I've been moody and I've been highly emotional. I need to work on a lot of things individually before I can think farther with T. Although T and I have reached a rough patch due to my moodiness and other things. We don't see eye to eye on one thing and I guess it's set us back even though we aren't together, seems like neither of us wants to give into the other. I'm a highly jealous person and that's something I've been trying to work on but it's been hard with T testing it with these online chicks. 

Although T and I talked things out a bit, it seemed like we pretty much agreed to disagree. I'm a damaged person there's no doubt about that, everything that happened with J fucked me up and unfortunately T has been paying for it. I've been trying to trust his word of his honesty but it's been hard when I just don't trust ANY man. T and I had a talk about J, which has brought me to questioning where I stand with J. 

I've started to hate J again. Like I said earlier everything that happened with J fucked me up. I over think every little detail, I stress myself out on something I shouldn't stress about, and I'm pushing away someone who I care about. I'm scared; scared to lose T and I don't think he even cares whether or not I'm near him. I feel like if I walked away he wouldn't even try to fight for me because he'd be too busy finding my replacement. Sometimes I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore; like he's tired of me, I'm old news. Maybe that's why he's been talking to all these girls. Oh well he's tired with this toy and wants a new shiny, big breasted bitch. UGH.

I chose "Chasin' Echoes" by Gravy and the Biscuits (AKA The Lonely Biscuits). I love the vocals in this song especially the chorus. But the message of the song is something I want to start focusing on and that's me. I need to start focusing on what I want to do with my life, not who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I'm always stressing myself out over things that I shouldn't be stressed about. I'm great at putting ideas in my own head and psyching myself out. I need to stop stressing and start living.

Keeping It Cool

Man has it been hot lately, but the nice weather makes it perfect for adventures to new places. Been enjoying my time with T even though I get a bit mad sometimes I've been trying to keep my cool cause after all I'm still not over J. I have been talking to another guy but lets get real here I need to keep my cool and I don't think I can get mixed up with all these guys. Although I've had a crush on the guy since we met but I was dating his friend at the time. Plus T has reassured me of some things and even though I'm kinda awkward when it comes to talks and confrontations I'm glad he said something cause even though I think I know him I might not... I mean I thought I knew J but clearly I didn't. 

I've been having really bad headaches lately, never had them this bad before; might just be the stress I've been causing myself. 

I wish I could erase my memories of J, all of them, just erase him from my mind and heart. Maybe then I wouldn't be so confused. But these wishes are pointless because what happened happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. I hate that my heart still drops when I think of J and my stomach still flutters when I see a picture of him. I hate that I love a man who almost took my life. I should hate him, I should want him to rot in prison. 

I just need to take a break from things get away from life and take a vacation away from my troubles. But then I'd be driving myself crazy with the thoughts in my mind. I wish there was a way to stop thinking I try to distract myself with various things but that only works momentarily. I just need a new scenery, new faces. 

I chose the song "Clarity" by Zedd ft. Foxes because it reminds me of how I feel about J. Our relationship is insanity but he was my clarity. He's a piece of my past that I wish I could let go and move on from but he's the only guy who has made me feel like I'm actually alive and living for a reason. It doesn't make sense to me that a guy who is so "dangerous" for me is one of the only guys I feel safe with.

Summertime

Summer break is officially here and I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I've been having good days and bad days and unfortunately more bad than good. I've been having a fight with myself for a weeks now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting way too attached to T and I don't know what he's wanting out of our relationship. I'm so confused and its hard to actually talk to him about things because I'm scared he'll leave me. 

My therapist keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about T leaving me cause he's probably not the one anyways. I don't blame her cause I really don't see myself settling down with T but at this point I don't see myself settling with anyone. I've been getting frustrated with him lately too. It's been hard to control my emotions I haven't snapped or really acted mad at T until last night. Maybe he was able to sense my anger but when he asked I couldn't explain why I was mad. 

I cried myself to sleep last night in his bed while he lied there asleep and unaware. I mean the dude fell asleep while we were trying to have intercorse. How great is that supposed to make me feel? I'm falling apart and I feel like no one can see it happening and I'm scared to let people know.  

Well after a few weeks I've finally put my head to rest and accepted the fact that T and I will only be friends with benefits. And though I might have some feelings for him I'm going to have to keep them to myself for now. I've been talking to other guys lately and starting to think about dating more. I've had the opportunities but for some reason I haven't taken them.

I've started missing J again. I feel like its gunna be this way for a while, and maybe even my whole life. It's like I can't stop loving him even when I hate him. But maybe he's just that forbidden fruit. I don't know. I know it's been a year and a half though, halfway through the no contact order. I don't know what's going to happen when J gets out of prison... I wonder if he'll try to contact me or find me. I wonder if he still thinks about me. These are probably some things I shouldn't be thinking about. I worry about him in a disgustingly sick way. When his sister posts sad status' on Facebook I often wonder if they are about him. 

I pick a song that I've loved for years now. It's been my go to song for break ups but J brings this song to a whole new level. Our relationship might have been short (and clearly unhealthy), but it was the first relationship I could see myself marrying the guy (of course this was before the drugs and when he was sober). Anyways the song is call "I Can't Unlove You" by Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Roger's voice and this song brings a chill to my spine and tears to my eyes, every time and I mean EVERY TIME.

Intoxicated Love

Well T is back from Switzerland and I was so excited to pick him up from the airport. He gave me a few gifts, including a Switzerland bell heart for my keys so I wouldn't lose them. But lately when we drink and he gets too drunk, he says those three small words "I love you." But it's only when he drinks does he say it. I've been telling myself just ignore it, it means nothing, but then people are trying to tell me when you're drunk some of the things you can't say sober come out. But that doesn't mean he means it. 

With T saying things he doesn't mean, my emotions have been going all over the place. I'm quiet around him and I can't think straight. It's annoying. I need to work on my communication skills because if I don't I only see myself going crazy. I wish that talking to him, or any guys, was easier; but since J men have been a lot more complicating. 

I sometimes wonder if everything I do for a guy will ever be enough. I feel like T just doesn't appreciate all that I do for him. And it sucks cause I'm working my ass off to make something happen that probably never gunna happen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my happiness has been gone lately. 

Summer is just around the corner though. So hopefully the summertime can bring me back to my chipper self and remind me that life's a beach... not a bitch. I have a feeling I'm gunna be doing a lot of changes during the summer and hopefully those changes will help me figure out where mine and T relationship should go and whether or not I'm even ready for a relationship. 

Well I picked two songs today, the first one is "Love Drunk" by Boys like Girls and the second one is "Unappreciated" by Cherrish. 

Love Drunk:
I chose this song because of T's accidently slip of three words that should mean a lot but don't mean shit when he can only say them while intoxicated. And it's always awkward when he's drunk and I'm as sober as a nun. Lyrics of the part that stick out to me: (All the time I wasted on you, All the bullshit you put me through, Checking into rehab cause everything that we had, Didn't mean a thing to you)

Unappreciated:

I chose this song because of the lack of appreciation I feel from T and well a lot of guys I've been with. Granted I know I didn't appreciate some of the great guys I've dated (back in high school) but I've learned since. I used to love this song in high school, it's kind of a throwback for me. I feel like T and I had a very quick honeymoon stage cause I feel like there's not much of a spark on his side anymore. This may be TMI for some but it seems like he's not even wanting to have intercourse anymore... just wants me to get him off and leave me all hot and heavy. (sorry mom... and other possible family members)

So Lonely

T is in Switzerland and I've been so bored. I'm taking care of his brother's cat while they are away and I feel like a crazy cat lady. It's been weird not hanging out with him every day but I guess its good that we are getting some time apart. We've been talking every day so it's not like I don't get to communicate with him. I've been thinking a lot about venturing off to other guys while he is gone, but I just haven't really taken the chances that have come up. I don't want to be that easy girl anymore. I used to cheat on my boyfriends and even though me and T aren't together I know that if I found out he was messing around with other girls I wouldn't be happy. 

On top of T being gone, J's birthday is tomorrow; his second birthday in prison. I miss how easy things were with J. My therapist keeps trying to encourage me to confront T with some things that bother me, but it's hard for me to confront T. With J everything was so natural like we could read each others minds and feelings (granted we had to be sober for that kind of communication); but with T it's only me reading his mind and him being clueless. I don't know if it's because I'm putting too much into our relationship or if he's just not very good at learning people. 

I came to realize that when J and I got together I was in such a great place before and that's why our relationship was growing so fast (or at least that's my theory). But now with T I'm not in a great place in my life, so things seem to be a bit more confusing. 

For todays post I chose "Doing Too Much" by Paula Deanda because I feel like I've been doing too much for T and getting a lot less back. I'm always wondering if he's really into me or if what he's saying is true. I feel like I'm chasing a fantasy. 

I Just Don't Know

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I finally admit it. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my life and I hate it. Things with T and I are so back and forth, good and bad. I guess that's the way it is with every relationship no matter what kind it is; but it's been very bipolar lately. I don't know if I did something wrong or something to turn him away but it sure feels that way. Some days its like he can't keep his hands off and other days its like he can't stand being within two feet from me. And lately its been more of the latter; even though I've been trying to do tons of things for him. It seems like I've found yet another guy that I can never make fully happy. 

With T acting that way and distancing himself has made my decision of moving on to other guys easier than I thought. I still have actually done anything but talk with other guys but sooner or later I think T is just gunna be strictly a friend. I have feelings for him, but I don't think there are reciprocated. I'm tired of being the girl who does too much for a guy who does too little. I don't want to be underappreciated anymore. I used to be a crazy girlfriend and very controlling but since then (high school) I've changed into a woman but can't seem to find a real MAN. 

I miss the way things were with J. I knew he loved me and cared because he showed it. I'm sure you're thinking "how? he almost killed you" but like I've said many times in this blog J was a great man with a bad habit. If he wasn't an addict J and I would probably still be  together happy planning our futures together. It's hard to realize what happened has happened and neither of us can take it back no matter how badly we want. 

Well I chosed "Do I" by Luke Bryan because it's exactly what I've been thinking about. Do I make T happy? Do I still love J? Does he still love me? Do I need to move on? Do I hold onto J or T? I've been confused before but this feels like I'm drowning and lately no one has been there to throw me a lifesaver... but then again I've been pushing everyone away in attempts to get T attached to me. Clearly, a big mistake since I've been pushing the people who love me away for a guy who won't even pay attention to me.

UGH

I hate that I miss him, I hate that I still think of him and I hate that he still has a part of my heart. It's wrong to love or care for someone who did what he did to me. It's so hard to deal with this; at times I find myself wanting to just walk away. Just pack up my bags and leave everything here behind. But no matter how much I would run, my memories would follow me everywhere. It's hard to escape when the place you want to escape from is your own mind.

It's like no matter what I do and how much I try to move on from J something is still pulling me back and not letting me let go. I finally have some anger built up towards J, yet a part of my stupid heart holds onto him. It doesn't help when I see pictures of him on his sister's Facebook from visiting him. Maybe its a bit of jealousy that I feel or just I don't know. It's hard to move on from someone who I thought was the one. I fought so hard to hold onto him and I still don't know if he's holding on to me still.

On another note, I've been rethinking things over with T. I don't feel happy when I'm around him anymore. Part of it is cause I feel like I'm second when it comes to his Facebook. I know he talks and flirts with other girls, but really does he have to do it when I'm sitting right there? I mean TALK TO ME!!! Maybe that's my inner woman just wanting attention, and perhaps a bit of jealousy. But I'm trying to cope with my jealousy cause I don't want to get hurt so I want to start detaching myself from him, which seems to be harder than I thought. Maybe secretly I like the challenge? I don't know... all I know is it's causing me stress and I don't want stress in my life.

I chose "Like We Used To" by A Rocket to the Moon, because I do take T to places me and J went and I can't help but think back to those times. It's hard to let go of someone you fought for so long even when so many told me to let go. Maybe with time letting go won't seem so hard. They say time heals everything but sometimes I'm just too impatient.