Not So Special

So I have been comparing J and T, which I think is natural but I don't know. Anyways I still miss J sometimes because of how special he made me feel. I always felt like I was the only girl he ever wanted to be with; but with T it's different I feel insecure a bit (but I also have to keep in mind T and I are not in a committed relationship). 

I find myself wanting to part ways with T on some days, and maybe I should. I just feel like I'm getting attached to the kind of guy that's going to just break my heart. But then again what guy isn't going to? My therapist likes to refer to me as Codependent and I guess I can see it in my relationships. I drop everything and anything to do something for the guy I'm with/I like. I'm constantly looking for a way to help them to show them I care. And I build up this thought in my mind that they truly care for me as much as I do for them. Maybe I still need to grow as an individual more to be able to separate myself from my partners in life.

I chose "Only Girl In the World" by Rihanna for today's post and I think it's clear why. Even though I went through a scary and terrible experience with J; he's still one of the only guys who really made me feel special. I can be one crazy overprotective girlfriend and jealousy is a huge thing of mine but with J those insecurities rarely occurred. 

Slacking

Clearly I haven't been posting lately, I've been spending a lot of time with T, almost every day. It's been routine lately. I feel like I use him to escape from my house. Things between my dad and I have always been rough but lately its like we can't even talk without getting into an argument. I admit it has to do with my attitude towards him and I don't agree with some things he does. I hope with time and age I can develop better way to communicate with him.

Things between T and I are well I'm not sure I guess we are still just friends but we have become closer and we do couple things together. He still introduces me as a friend and I tell people he's just a friend but my emotions are telling me otherwise. I didn't want to make things with T serious and I'm still not sure if I will but its more of a possibility now.

J is still in my heart but not nearly as much. I recently found pictures of what I looked like after the whole thing with J and it's scary to see that girl in the picture. I cry when I see that girl in the picture, because I know what she was thinking then. I loved J there's no doubt about that but I'm not sure he loved me. How could someone in love do such a thing to the one they love?

I chose to put the song "The Art of Being Pulled Apart" by Jellyfish Brigade because my heart has been pulled apart many times and I've pieced it together just to have it pulled apart again. But every break, every scar, and every bad memory holds a lesson. I've become someone I can say I'm truly proud to be. I love even when its seems like the whole world is against me. 

I also wanted to share my other blog I started with some of my photography. If you're interested check it out here.

A week

It's been a week since I've had a cigarette. I've been wanting to quit for a while and I've made numerous attempts before, but failed. It's been a long hard week, but it's all mind over matter. Addiction is all a mind game, and I can beat it. 

On another note, I went down to Southern California last weekend for my cousin's baby's first birthday. It was a blast to say the least. The long 8 hour drive was well worth holding that cute baby boy. 

Been taking more pictures lately, getting into photography and capturing the right moment. It's fun to use my creative side and see that people enjoy it as much as I do. T has been helping a bit with understanding my camera and getting the right angles. Some people are getting the wrong impression with T and I though. We are still only friends, and it will probably stay that way. I don't know it's weird we act like we're together but we're both attached to someone who we can't have. Things between T and I have actually become awkward a bit. I don't know what it is, maybe it's because we've been spending so much time together.

With things being awkward with T and I, my thoughts of J are starting to come back. It was nice to have a moment to somewhat forget what happened. I feel like a part of me is always going to hold onto J. 

I picked "Lips of An Angel" by Hinder for today's post because I would love to hear J's voice again. I just want to hear him say my name and tell me that everything will be okay (even though I'm not sure things ever will be okay again). I sometimes lay in T(new guy) and I find myself thinking of J(ex bf), I often fall asleep there thinking it's J wrapping his arms around me. 

Chubby Face

So I saw a more recent picture of J, and man does he look sober. He's gained weight, grown some weird facial hair and looks like he's finally finding peace in his life. It's nice to know that he has been actually working on his sobriety and to what it looks like has been clean. I wish I could visit him. Seeing him sober in the picture and seeing him look so much better makes my heart sink. My emotions are high today and it sucks cause it's my best friend's birthday but I really don't feel like doing anything but hiding in bed. 

As much as I'm in pain I need to continue going on with my life. I need to keep focus on getting through my school work and doing what makes me happy. I have to know that J is getting better, it kind of gives me a bit of closure. 

Even though I've been spending time with T, J has been creeping in my mind again. For a while he was only a memory but although T makes me feel great I feel the spark fading. I still feel the warmth from the spark J gave me. I feel like T and I  are using each other in a way... both using the other to escape from missing someone else. 

Anyways I'm not the biggest Justin Bieber fan, but I do like some of his songs. I picked "Nothing Like Us" on of his newer songs. 

Life's a Beach

And I'm just playing in the sand. Been spending more time with T, the new guy, and we some how find our way to a beach often. He's a photographer so he took some awesome pictures, I attached one of me. The beach has been a great place to relax and let everything go. I've been on top of my school work enough to make time to relax. I feel so at peace with myself, and T just adds a little skip to my step. But I've been distancing myself from him because I just can't get close to a guy right now. I'm still not stable enough for that. But T is a great friend and we have fun hanging out at the beach. 

My Valentine's Day in the Marin Headlands.

Valentine's Day was just another day, spent the afternoon at the beach with T, this picture was taken that day. Secretly did a lot of soul searching on the beach. Listening to the calm waves crash, watching the water rise and fall. The beach has always been my home away from home. I love the water. Even though the sand is quiet annoying, I love burying my feet in the wet sand. That day was beautiful too, sunny and surprisingly warm; the water was freezing though. I even faced a fear. There was a rock that was somewhat in the water and the waves hit it hard almost able to knock someone off the rock. Well I climbed on that rock and with fear in my heart T got some awesome pictures of that too. 

Facing my fears as they come.

Anyways today's song is "Some Beach" by Blake Shelton. Cause clearly I love the beach. It's the best stress reliever. With summer coming soon and the weather heating up, I'll probably be spending a lot more time at the beach or river, somewhere with water. Hope you're enjoying the weather as much as I am.

A taste of a new beginning

So I've been hanging out a lot with one of my guy friends and I wasn't sure about what he felt for me until he kissed me. And although I know that he and I are both not in a place for a relationship its nice to feel those butterflies again. I've been kind of surprised with my hope to find love again and how quickly I bounced back after J. Sure I still love and miss him and wish I could be with him but I need to face the facts and move on. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. My relationship/friendship with the new guy is gunna take it's time, cause I'm not over J and he just got out of relationship himself. Both going through transitions, just not wanting to be alone. It might just be perfect timing too since Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I hate Valentine's Day (even when I have a bf). I think it's stupid that people want an excuse to show the person they love that they love them... shouldn't they be doing that everyday? I mean sure I don't expect a guy to do everything that they are expected to do on Valentine's Day but it really is true, it's the little things that count. 

Although I'm crushing on the new guy, J will always be part of my life. He was my best friend and I could talk to him for hours about anything and everything. He knows me better than some of my friends do, but with everything that has happened and the time that has gone by I don't know if I can forgive him to the point of letting him have my heart again. I don't know if I'd be able to keep my strength if he comes back into my life. And I know the only way I'm gunna make my dreams happen is if I keep my strength and find those who add to it. 

It's been weird to have another guy on my mind more than J, maybe weird isn't the right word but it's definitely a change. I feel like I'm getting too ahead of myself here, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything. But I'm really comfortable around him and I haven't felt that comfort with any guy since J.

So I picked "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes for today's post because it's kinda nice to be wanted by someone else. It's nice to know I could move on and that I'm growing stronger and I guess in a way I'm growing apart from J. It's a hard thing to think about and I'm still VERY confused with what I'm going to do. But it's just nice to know that there are other guys out there who can make me feel wanted and beautiful. There are other guys who help me be the better me... the new guy actually helped me save a wild bird we found at Tennessee Valley Beach. Ever since this school semester started I've been getting into Biology and the wildlife, and the opportunity struck and I got to help the poor thing from death, literally chased away hawks and carried it 2 miles to the trail head to give to the Humane Society. Anyways I'm also including a picture of Ernie, the bird that we saved, you can see the injury on his neck. 

  

Lessons Learned

Over the weekend me and a girlfriend went on a nice hike and vented to each other and I came to new thoughts of this journey. I've learned my lesson and I know that me and J can't go back to the way it was before, and I can only hope that he has learned his lesson and sees that we both need to make changes for us to have any kind of friendship again.

I've been breaking down a lot lately. Twice in the last week. It's weird how I can be torn so easily by people, people I barely know and who barely know me. Last night I had an "old friend" message me over Facebook (good ole facebook always causing drama) and we did the normal catch up and when I told him I went through a hard time due to a heartbreak he was just an ass about it all. Granted when I knew him I wasn't the kind of girl to be in a commitment of any kind, but it just bothered me that he thought I wouldn't grow out of that stage. That I wouldn't grow up. I cried. I know I shouldn't care what this low life thinks of me and my ability (or lack of ability) to commit to someone (until J came around). Maybe he was the one who never grew up. 

I remember a day where I would just laugh at what those kinds of people would say about me. But I don't know what has changed but I'm constantly trying to impress people now. I try so hard to be strong and only show my strengths. But I am only human. 

I have been terrified that I will never be ready to trust men again. Well I guess it's not trust as much as comparing any guy to J. I know I probably can't move on until I stop comparing other guys to J cause in reality none of them are him. I've been deflecting guys left and right, giving them reasons to not be interested in me, and really shutting down. But I still have hope, hope that I will fall in love again. Sure right now love is the last thing I want to happen for me right now cause I just know I'll get hurt again. I've started to repel the guys I want to get to know because if I get attached I might get hurt. I miss not having the fear to fall in love. 

For this post I choice to pick "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood. Everyone has regrets and everyone makes mistakes. My English teacher had a saying he used to say to the class to get us to actually do the homework: "Being a success or an excuse is your choice." Just like our mistakes, we can learn from our mistakes and make the changes to fix the mistakes or we can let the mistakes repeat themselves. It's our choice. I've choose to learn my lesson and even though I'm still willing to take a risk with talking to J again I know that there will need to be change for our mistake to never happen again.