New School Semester

School is starting tomorrow and it seems like the past few days I have been getting everything together and making some changes. I rearranged my room, I needed a new sense to live in and I love it. Things are starting to look up for me, even though it's getting closer and closer to the next court date for J's case. It's been on the back of my mind but since school is coming I've been a bit more distracted from my thoughts of him and the 30th. I've been spending time at home and with friends who I care about and love, life is seeming to be getting back on track.

My paresnts just bought me a new computer for school and I've been working on getting it set up for myself. Another great distraction. It seems that the days that I am crazy busy are my best days. I get stressed about thingss but I don't think about everything. I get sucked into the present with no time to think about the past or the future. I've been the kind of person who likes to enjoy life day by day. I never like to be too planned out where I can still have some spontaneous moments.

I can't believe that it has been eight months since everything happened. It's weird how all that time can go by yet it's still fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I know that one day it will just be a small memory. Just another story that will disapear, like so many other things that have been hard to bounce back from. Repressing them as much as I can isn't the best way to deal with things but it's been my way of couping forever.

There is no going back to being the person I was before December. I fear to fall in love again. I fear that I will lose my control because of love. I'm so easily blinded by the love of another that I cannot seem to focus on the love from myself. There is no hope for the old me to return just hope that the new me with shape and form into something greater. Sometimes you just need to keep going even when it feels like your feet won't budge.

As the court date creeps up I have friends and loved one's asking me about it and asking if they can come for suppport. I love that they are trying to put in the effort, but bringing up the court date only makes me break down and shut down. I have been focusing on distracting myself to the point where I know its coming but I really don't want to think about it until the day before. It's the only way I can stay sane for the next few days.I am hoping that this will be the last court appearence I will have to make, I hope that the judge will just give J the sentencing and that be it. At this point I don't even care how long he goes to jail or prison I just want this whole court thing to be over.

Every court date that comes around just reminds me about everything every time. I start having dreams of that day and dreams of the good days with J. My patients and understanding of people begins to shift to irritible behavior. Not only do I want this whole thing to just blow over, but I NEED it to be, for my sanity's sake. 

feeling a bit blue

I've been a bit down lately, thinking about things, going back to December. It's been hard to forget everything when I still have undercover feelings for J. It's been hard to move on, I feel like people have forgotten about what happened to me. I don't wanna play the victim but I wish people would just let me take my time getting back on the field. I do want to get back to dating but I really don't know if I can move on right now. This whole thing has taught me that there are some traits that I need to look for in a potential boyfriend that I have been overlooking.


Lately, I've been able to talk about J more and listen to songs that remind me of him without getting upset. It's been helping me heal and cope with things. Been thinking about deleting his sister from facebook not to diss her or anything just because sometimes it just upsets me to see her posts cause it brings back memories I have of J. My memories I have been having lately are just hard, I smile as I think of J and the way things were; but then I have one memory of December come along and BAM! my smile shatters like glass.


I still haven't had the power to delete the pictures of J on my computer and my phone. I've had the power to no longer have him as my background for a few months now; but every once in a while I like to look at those pictures and reminisce.

On another note, job hunting has been stressful. I'll get a call, get an interview, then nothing. It's been annoying to put in all this effort and get a bit of hope then absolutely no progress is made. And on top of my frustration my parents are just adding more and more stress. They think that they are helping telling me all these places that are hiring. I wouldn't mind the help if it wasn't every day and coming from both of them. I know that my parents are only trying to support me and help me with getting back on my feet but sometimes I wish they would be a bit more sensitive towards me.


I do tend to bottle things up and hide my emotions; and I'm not very good at voicing my opinion or feelings. Especially when it's towards someone I care about. Sometimes I let my friends walk all over me, without me voicing anything and I think I need to start working on that because it's hurting me and the relationships I have with them. 

The Confusion of Men

So I've been hanging out with a lot of my COM friends lately and it's been great. There is this one guy that I'm really drawn to, he's a great guy and hanging out with him is amazing with the great talents he has, he's smart, attractive, and a musician. It feels weird having a crush again, getting nervous about asking to hang out; thinking we should hang out with the group to avoid any awkward silences in fear of saying something stupid.

Although, it is nice to have the butterflies back in my stomack and the sweat on my hands when he's around... I'm scared. I don't want to jump start any hopes with him since I don't know him that well. But at the same time I feel like I've known him forever.

I think a big part of what is holding me back from actually trying with this guy is fear of rejection and fear that I won't be able to please him. But like I said before I don't really know him so I'm going to try to get to know him as much as I can before he goes away for the rest of summer. I'm not sure even if he would be accepting to getting to know each other. The great confusion of men continues in my life. Do I take that risk and jump or to I keep it safe and stay on the sidelines of the dating world?

On a totally different note I have quit smoking cigarettes and it has been quite hard. I like to smoke when I'm drinking so I often will buy a pack if I know I will be drinking but on other days I try not to smoke and it feels good. Next thing to do is get back to the gym and I've been trying to get that motivation that I used to have. I don't know what was the cause of that motivation but I hope I find it again soon.



New Me?

I've been going through changes and gaining my self confidence back. It's so weird seeing how differently I feel about everything. I'm starting to get my head leveled and really am focusing on myself. I won't deny the fact that I still have thoughts of J and I, I can't even deny the fact that I still have feelings for the damn guy. But I've come to terms that I will never get to be with him ever again. Even though I've been focusing on me, I've also been having keeping my eye out for potential guys, but I find it hard to trust any of them and I seem to find something "wrong" with them.

On another note, my best friend, S, has been gone for a few weeks and I've been missing her like crazy. I'm trying to keep myself busy with hanging out with my school friends, hanging out at home, and finishing up my community service hours. I had a job interview the other day hoping this one falls through and I'll be a working woman again. Next thing I'm going to start working on is going to the gym more often.

My life is finally starting to get back on track. And I just want to thank everyone, my support group is AMAZING cause god knows that without all of you I wouldn't be here telling my story.

Highly Emotional

I went to a bbq for cinco de mayo after going to the river with some friends, it was fun until my break down. I was socializing with everyone and my friend that I brought was off flirting with this guy Mar. and I guess he was getting tired of people taking his hat, but I wasn't aware so I reached for it and he yelled at me. Now if everything in December didn't happen I'm sure I wouldn't be making such a big deal about it but it was the first time a guy has yelled at me like that since J. I freaked out and my first reaction is get the hell out of there so I grabbed my stuff and stormed off to the car and punched a pole. (I fractured my pinkie) Then after that I cooled down I started crying in the car in front of my friends. 

I've been having a hard time with one of my "best friends" I feel like she just doesn't care anymore. I've been trying really hard to be calm about things but it's starting to really get to me. Whenever I try to get together with her is one lame excuse after another. I don't even know if I can even call her a friend anymore cause it's really starting to feel like she could care less about our friendship. I feel so alone lately, my friends either make excuses not to hang out, are too busy to hang out, or make me feel like shit when we do hang out. It's so hard cause after December we were all so close and now I feel like I losing them. 

Stressing Out

For the past week I have been finding myself crying over the stress that I'm going through right now. My ass is very close to going to jail if I don't get my community service hours done and take my class before June this year. Then on top of that I have my friends wanting to do things and I'm wanting to do them but all this stress is keeping me from enjoying things. My parents and I got in an argument over me "goofing around" with my friends and not focusing on my court case. After going to court today I see why my parents are upset, but I've made plans with my friends this week and I don't want to take back my RSVP. It's getting difficult to please everyone and I'm forgetting to please myself. 

On another note one of J's friends has gotten in contact with me and had asked to meet up and catch up. I'm a bit nervous cause I'm not sure what his friends think of me now that I'm the reason J is in jail. I'm meeting up with him tonight so hopefully all goes smooth. 

It's been hard to put that smile on my face and go through my day as if nothing is wrong. I cried in class twice this week and didn't go to basketball due to my depression and injuries I got when I went out on Monday night for my best friend's birthday. 

My dreams about J continue and it makes it harder to forget about him. But I've started focusing on me and making sure I can get my life back on track. Still haven't heard about a new job but I have some volunteer hours coming up soon so at least I'm dealing with the more important stuff first. 

Fun fact of this post: J's birthday is next week.

A Tough Morning

 Sometimes I really hate dreams. You know those dreams that you wake up and you can't tell if it was a dream or true? Well I had one of those about J and I. It was like December never happened and we were happier than ever. But when I woke up to find myself on the pull out couch with my friend the harsh reality started to kick in. It's interesting how I sometimes actually forget what happened in December but the rest of the relationship I had with J is crisp in my mind. 


To add to my miserable morning in class I couldn't stop thinking about everything. My teacher was practicing for our test in Spanish and while working on the oral part he asked "¿dónde celebrar su último cumpleaños? which means "where did you celebrate your last birthday?" My last birthday I spent the morning in the hospital and the rest of the day in bed. My 21st birthday was a day I didn't want to remember because I wanted to be drunk; but it's a day I will never forget. 


I'm trying to stay strong and wear a bright smile today especially because it's my best friend's 21st birthday and I want her to have an amazing day because of what happened to mine. Sometimes I wonder if people can even see my pain in the smile I bare on days like today. It's ironic how I'm screaming inside but on the outside I'm calm and collected. Sometimes it scares me how well I can hide the emotions I'm going though. But I guess it's best not to think about things and just move on through your day like nothing happened. So here's to those of us who are screaming inside but shinning on the outside.