School is starting tomorrow and it seems like the past few days I have been getting everything together and making some changes. I rearranged my room, I needed a new sense to live in and I love it. Things are starting to look up for me, even though it's getting closer and closer to the next court date for J's case. It's been on the back of my mind but since school is coming I've been a bit more distracted from my thoughts of him and the 30th. I've been spending time at home and with friends who I care about and love, life is seeming to be getting back on track.
My paresnts just bought me a new computer for school and I've been working on getting it set up for myself. Another great distraction. It seems that the days that I am crazy busy are my best days. I get stressed about thingss but I don't think about everything. I get sucked into the present with no time to think about the past or the future. I've been the kind of person who likes to enjoy life day by day. I never like to be too planned out where I can still have some spontaneous moments.
I can't believe that it has been eight months since everything happened. It's weird how all that time can go by yet it's still fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I know that one day it will just be a small memory. Just another story that will disapear, like so many other things that have been hard to bounce back from. Repressing them as much as I can isn't the best way to deal with things but it's been my way of couping forever.
There is no going back to being the person I was before December. I fear to fall in love again. I fear that I will lose my control because of love. I'm so easily blinded by the love of another that I cannot seem to focus on the love from myself. There is no hope for the old me to return just hope that the new me with shape and form into something greater. Sometimes you just need to keep going even when it feels like your feet won't budge.
As the court date creeps up I have friends and loved one's asking me about it and asking if they can come for suppport. I love that they are trying to put in the effort, but bringing up the court date only makes me break down and shut down. I have been focusing on distracting myself to the point where I know its coming but I really don't want to think about it until the day before. It's the only way I can stay sane for the next few days.I am hoping that this will be the last court appearence I will have to make, I hope that the judge will just give J the sentencing and that be it. At this point I don't even care how long he goes to jail or prison I just want this whole court thing to be over.
Every court date that comes around just reminds me about everything every time. I start having dreams of that day and dreams of the good days with J. My patients and understanding of people begins to shift to irritible behavior. Not only do I want this whole thing to just blow over, but I NEED it to be, for my sanity's sake.
There is no going back to being the person I was before December. I fear to fall in love again. I fear that I will lose my control because of love. I'm so easily blinded by the love of another that I cannot seem to focus on the love from myself. There is no hope for the old me to return just hope that the new me with shape and form into something greater. Sometimes you just need to keep going even when it feels like your feet won't budge.
As the court date creeps up I have friends and loved one's asking me about it and asking if they can come for suppport. I love that they are trying to put in the effort, but bringing up the court date only makes me break down and shut down. I have been focusing on distracting myself to the point where I know its coming but I really don't want to think about it until the day before. It's the only way I can stay sane for the next few days.I am hoping that this will be the last court appearence I will have to make, I hope that the judge will just give J the sentencing and that be it. At this point I don't even care how long he goes to jail or prison I just want this whole court thing to be over.
Every court date that comes around just reminds me about everything every time. I start having dreams of that day and dreams of the good days with J. My patients and understanding of people begins to shift to irritible behavior. Not only do I want this whole thing to just blow over, but I NEED it to be, for my sanity's sake.
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