Sunday, August 26, 2012

Unexpected Jealousy

I saw one of mine and J's mutural friends the other day and he told me that him and a few more of J's friends were going to go visit him on Tuesday. And the weirdest pain struck through my heart; jealousy. I was jealous that they wanted to go see him, I was jealous they could go see him, I was jealous that they be in contact with him. I told our friend that I wish I could join, but we all know that would be impossible but it's the impossible things we want the most. My heart is still vulnerable to his love, there's no denying that fact, ever. He was everything I ever wanted and we both just let it slip through our hands. he blame is not to be put on me nor J but both of us equally. We BOTH could have done things differently. I could have told J's mom about our using when she first asked about it, instead of lying and possibly losing her trust. He could have been stronger to stay sober and to control his temper. I could have been stronger and said no to using with him. There are many ways everything could have been avoided but all the wrong decisons were made and the worst thing happened when everyone else thought life was good. Our decisions can be altered by many things, love being the strongest.
 
I've been terrified to fall in love with someone again. I'm terrified to be vulnerable. A relationship is the scarrest thing in my life right now. I tried to give my all to J and I lost myself in J. I'm scared to lose the woman I am becoming because I feel like I've finally done it. I'm finally finding me and its the pure happiness me. The one that doesn't need a man in her life to feel happy and loved. My life has been kind of lonely lately just because I'm constantly surrounded with couples. It seems like everyone else has someone else by their side; and then there's me. I'm alone yet I'm not because I have myself. I finally feel strong and I finally feel more independent. I've noticed that my life will go on without J, which maybe shows that he wasn't the one. We all know that once you find the one your life seems to fall apart after they leave; some are to say die of heartbreak with a bond so strong. Was it love or lust with me and J? Maybe, but the connection we had was so amazing that it's hard to explain in words. We clicked so well when we were sober, sometimes we didn't even have to talk about something we would just know. It was a great comfort zone and we were both comforting to each other. I miss those times when it was getting hard when we were there for each other no matter what happened. When we were all we had to fight for, and we would fight for each other over everything else. But things do changes greatly and often. People change, perspectives changes, seasons change, feelings change Everything changes. We cannot avoid the change but we can direct it's direction, we can navagate the change to sructure our own paths, our own routes. We can choose to adapt with the changes, or play the victim and be caught up in the process of change.
 
Life throws us curveballs all the time, the way we handle the stituations and what we take away from the out come and how we precieve it later in life; determines growth and maturity. You don't get mature from hearing stroies from other people about their lives, the best way to learn is from your own mistakes. Life is like a book there are so many different chapters but each have their own lesson but each are not forgotten as you turn to the next chapter, but recreated to retry.
 
Lately I've been annoyed with people who are so quick to judge things as if it's their to judge. I realize that it's human nature to judge but I'm sick of people thinking that I actually care what they think. I know that sounds really bad, but it's true sometimes it's better to just bite your lip. People need to stop judging my life and everything that has happened to me as if they know it from first hand. I know who J was and I know how other people see him to be something he's not. A monster. A criminal. An abuiser. J was a man who cared for me and catered to me. I was spoiled by him, it was the small things he did for me that made me love him the way I did. He made me dinner, lunch, and breakfast. He would buy me things with the little money he ever had. He showed me his world. He shared so many memories with me. I miss everything that we had. But I know we can't ever have it again. I remember when I was still positive that things would work out after all this, but I'm pretty sure there is no future with J and I. No matter how much I wish things could go back to how they were before all the drugs, it was the decision we made together and foolishly.

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