I wonder

I used to be very into poetry during high school; I used to write a lot of poetry. The words used to come really easily to me but after awhile I became less interested in it and it became harder to write. But with all the emotions I've been swinging in I've managed to write a short poem and I wanted to share it with you. It's call "I wonder":

Wonder if they know,

know my pain,

know my strength,

the strength to pull me up.

Wonder if he even cares,

if he loves,

if he fears,

fears the day I won't be there.

Wonder if I'll move on,

on to the next,

on my own way,

way too far for him.

Wonder if we'll grow,

grow together,

grow apart,

apart today, together tomorrow.

I naturally chose "I wonder" by Sixto Rodriguez for this post. I wonder so much about J because of the criminal protective order and the inability to be in contact with each other. There are so many questions I wish I knew the answers to but for now they remain unknown. I wonder if he really does miss me. If he does care about me. If he truly wants to seek sobriety. But I also wonder how things will be if he does come back. How will the people I love and care react to his return? How will I react? Will I even want him in my life again? There are so many questions that only time can answer, but I'm starting to be impatient. 

Driving Myself Insane

So the other day I didn't have much to do and I felt like going for a drive. I kinda just went on auto pilot until I turned onto Hicks Valley. It was the first time since December 2011 that I had been able to actually drive on that road. I was so scared to have flash back and have wave after wave of emotions take over me, So I avoided that road as much as possible, which was pretty easy since it's kind of in the middle of nowhere. 

What I found interesting was my mind couldn't really remember the directions and the surroundings but my body did. I was looking for the specific spot where my nose was broken, I could remember seeing a white building but I wasn't sure how far. My nose knew though, cause right when I past a little white school house a piercing pain hit my nose. As I continued down the road my head started to hurt and started to feel like it was swelling up. It was like my body knew exactly where I was and what had happened, but my mind was working so hard to repress every memory from that day.

The only memory/thought I could remember during my drive was when J and I came down the road to this amazing view of Tamales Bay and I remember thinking to myself: "This would be a really romantic drive if we were coming down." I remember smiling at the sight of the ocean. I was like a child eager to get to the beach, with the deep deep blue sea insight. The hope I had when I saw the ocean was weird, for some reason I kept thinking in my head that the ocean meant I was strong enough to make it through it. 

I've been trying to get out there again and meet some new people and trying to move on with my social life, but I'm only reminded of how socially awkward I can be. I don't know what it is, with J I felt like I never needed anyone else to approve of me and what I look like, but now I'm constantly worried about what people think of me. I'm trying on outfit after outfit after outfit in the mornings to find the right one. But I don't know who I'm trying to impress, myself or other people. I begin to doubt myself when meeting new people, guys especially. I'm trying not to rush myself but I'm so tired of being alone, not even the memories of J can keep me sane anymore. 

Although I'm not specifically waiting for J to get out or anything, I find myself deflecting every single guy I've met lately. I either have a doubt about them or me and it always seems to not work out even before it starts. It's been so weird for me to not be wanting to find someone to spend time with and what not, but now it's even weirder trying to find someone to do that with. I miss J and maybe that is holding me back a little, but I'm starting to think that I would be selfish to think that me and J could ever have any kind of relationship.

I know the pain and hurt that many people who care about me went through because of what happened, and I don't ever want to cause that pain again. And I think that people are gunna be hurt if I try to have any kind of relationship with J, even if it's strictly platonic. I've been feeling guilty/selfish for wanting to be able to have a relationship with J again and not really caring about what other people might feel. I know they would be worried and I know there are a lot of risks involved. But I do care for J and I don't think that's ever gunna change. I still love him and sometimes you have to let go of those you love because it's best for both of you, but I'm just not sure yet if it is best for me to let him go. 

I picked a song by Trapt called "Only One in Color" cause I've been feeling like there is no one else out there that makes me feel so complete the way J does, or did. I don't know who he is now but I hope he hasn't lost the man I love. Maybe J is the only person who can make such an ugly world look so beautiful. He showed me the color and beauty in the world and I hope that one day I can have that again. 

Stressin'

So school has started and I can already feel the stress of this semester starting. I'm quiet nervous about this semester, but I believe I can do it if I just focus on school. I mean I only go to school Monday through Wednesday, so if I just focus on school Monday through Friday then I can have the weekend to myself. 

My mom is recovering from surgery, but let me tell you I'm sick to my stomach sometimes. When I see my mom's leg I get a turning and tying feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hurts to see her in pain. It makes me think: Is this how people felt when they saw me? 

My thoughts of J have been very confused for the past week. One of my friends brought up something I really never thought of: J messed up my face, the first thing people see. I mean granted it was a temporary look (luckily), it doesn't change how much disrespect it was. But I can still hear that voice in my head saying: "That wasn't J it was the comedown, it was the comedown." At this point I still don't know who to listen to the voice in my head or my goddamn pride. I remember that night when me and J got back to his house I remember exactly what his sister said to me when I tried to get to J: "If you have any self respect walk away from him." Those words are always in my head whenever I think of J. People don't realize I do try not to feel the way I do but it's hard when I want to hold on to someone I'm not sure J wants to be. 

I was shocked to learn that some of J's friends, who slowly became my friends during and after our relationship, wanted to "kick his ass" for what he did to me. Of course with time though their anger simmered down. It was just nice to hear how much  they cared about me even though I was kinda just a random addition their group. I have a total new respect for them though. 

So I'm not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift's new music, actually this is the only new song of hers that I like. I picked "I knew you were trouble" because I mean I did know J's past with is ex-girlfriend and I knew how dangerous he could be with using. Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for disaster. I wish I had known more about additions going into this relationship because then maybe I wouldn't be here writing a blog about my experiences...

Still Can't Put the Book Down

The book that I've been reading is definitely one I would recommend to everyone. As I've gone deeper in the book and Nic, the main character, is reflecting on the person/life he was/had while using and the person/life he is/has during his recovery. And I find myself doing that often, I think about the person I was back when I was using and how many people I let down and then I look at the person I am today and how great I'm doing. I've never been this truly happy with myself. And I'm not willing to give it up again, for anyone. 

School is literally just around the corner... my nerves are all hyped up. I'm hopeful I can stay focused again this semester. I hope I can continue my own self projects while school goes on, theres a second book by Nic Sheff that I still have to read. :P

My mom got surgery done yesterday and is recovering in the hospital, she should be home tomorrow. I'm excited for her and hope that this surgery will help her not hurt anymore, hell maybe she'll even be able to go on a hike with me and the dog again like we used to. This past year has brought me and my mom closer than ever before. I find myself sharing more and more with her the more time we spend together. She has given me an infinite amount of support with everything. And although I'm sure she wouldn't wanna think of me and J ever getting back together she doesn't hate him and hopes that he gets the help he needs. I only wish my dad was as open hearted and minded as my mom. 

While visiting my mom in the hospital my dad was reading the "trashy magazines" that my sister got for my mom to pass her boredom. He makes a comment about Rihanna and Chris Brown something along the lines of "she's back with that guy who beat the shit out of her." I know my dad isn't saying these things about me but I don't think he knows it cuts me deep to hear those things said. I know I shouldn't take it personal (especially since if December didn't happen I probably would have the same judgement on Rihanna) and I try not to so I keep quiet. But when I tell my therapist about some of the things that people say that I find offensive, she tells me to confront the people and let them know what they are saying is hurting me inside. I feel like I'm a kid again. Expressing my feelings. 

I'm a big girl, I always thought crying was weakness,, and I grew up being a tom boy. But after December I've become VERY sensitive, empathetic, and weak (or at least that's what I would have called myself). It's interesting to me that I've grown stronger to the person I truly am yet weaker in the sense of what I used to think was weakness. But looking back now I see I am not weak because I cry I was weak because I cared about who people thought I was. 

On a weird side note I've been having a lot of bizarre dreams lately. I had a dream a few nights ago that I killed on of my best friends. Then another night I had a dream that the same friend broke into my house just to pee, woke me up, and sat there as I yelled at her so much that her ear drums burst. Maybe I have some aggression I just need to get out... but not by abusing my best friend. (Thank god my parents got me a punching bag for my birthday)

So speaking of crying and what not I cried today, yesterday, the day before, and I think the day before that. I miss J. I miss hearing his voice. I miss the comfort he provided me. I miss his company. My thoughts of him have gone down I can make it days without thinking about him but I know my heart still has feelings for him. Even when I just think of him my heart beats fast and slow at the same time, my stomach gets the butterflies, and even my hands sweat a little as if they were still intertwined with his. But it's also weird, I used to be able to close my eyes and picture J's face as if he was right in front of me, but I only see a blank face now. I still have pictures of him so it's not like I've forgotten what he looks like, but I just no longer see him. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting the distance I needed to be less vulnerable. 

So I'm not the biggest fan of Kanye West but I do like his song "Love Lockdown." I spend a lot of my time doodling when I'm feeling down and a few days ago I was just trying to kill some time since I couldn't sleep. And I guess I just drew whatever came to mind.... Here is the doodle I drew and the video for the song... Enjoy!

    

School Approaching

School is starting for me next Monday and although I'm excited to get done with my classes and what not I was really beginning to enjoy my break. I started a book, Tweak, by Nic Sheff and I haven't been able to put it down since I've checked it out at the library. The book dives into Nic's story of his struggle with his addiction to Meth. The feelings that he describes are nothing to what I felt, but maybe it's how J felt. Thankfully I never got the addiction or the needing of the drug. Sure I've had cravings but none strong enough for me to make the call. I know I can't compare J's and Nic's addictions but being able to read Nic's story of his addiction and his recovery kinda give me an in sight of what road J will (hopefully) be taking. 

After looking into many books and some documentaries of meth addictions I've learned so much and in a way grown from the information. I still fear that J is powerless when it comes to addiction. I've heard from his friends about his tattoo (his family's name across his back) that he got in prison yet I haven't heard anything about recovering from his addiction. While in jail J went through many drug programs and earned a lot of credits to shorten his time in prison. But I haven't heard anything more on that. I'm hoping that the words I've passed on will not give him a reason but a motivation for recovering. I don't want to be a reason cause when another person (besides the addict) is the "reason" for sobriety, the sobriety rarely stays. I hope he has his own reasons on wanting to be clean and hopefully he has a lot of motives to help him get started on his recovery. 

My grades from last semester came in today and I'm honestly really proud of myself. I've never had such a good semester, I only hope to continue my success with school, even though it's a lot of work. I never wanted to put in the effort of studying for school; I was always focused more on my social life. But ever since I've been "emotionally unbalanced" (as I like to say it) I've been able to focus on school and my own goals and I couldn't be happier with the outcome so far. I'm gaining my confidence back but it's stronger and more stable. In a way 2011 helped me get to where I am today, I learned how valuable life is and I don't want to waste it away anymore. 

I was watching a movie tonight and on of the characters claimed he didn't believe in mistakes because the mistakes we made lead us to the people we are, this spoke loudly to me. I've made many, many mistakes and I still do and I'm sure I always will but it's those mistakes who have shaped me into the person I am. It's those mistakes that made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. It's those mistakes and my survival through them that makes me proud to be me. Sound a bit self centered but I've never been proud to claim the person I am, I have always been ashamed of my self for countless reason: my looks, my behavior, my thoughts, my likes, my dislikes... the list goes on. It feels so nice to finally love myself for who I am.

I picked "Don't Rush" by Joey Diamond for this post. Joey is a youTube legend whom I met (okay so I only sent one message to see if he was the same Joey who I found in multiple youTube videos) on an online dating site. I love his voice and many of his songs are similar to some of things I feel. This song reminds me of how I feel about if J ever comes back into my life again. 

the New Year

(12/30/2012): With the New Year approaching I find myself thinking about the future more and more, but also looking in the past to see how much I've accomplished. I've changed so much from who I was in high school to the person I was when I got together with J and even more change to the person I am today. One of my high school boyfriends (who I will refer to as M), whom I've lost and gain contact with many times, has been talking to me again lately. And it has me thinking of who I was when I was with him and who I am now after J. I'm not sure what his intentions are since we have had our drama before; and we all know drama is the last thing I'm looking for. He told me he wanted to get back in contact and hang out again. So we hung out. He told me he could respect my space and he wouldn't try to make any moves, but I had many doubts about this. Thankfully he held to his word and only gave a parting hug. 

I really don't want to try for any kind of relationship with any guy right now. And although I'm flattered by M stating he is still protective of me, I still think of him as a pathological liar. And he has baby momma drama out of the wazoo. So he has baggage and right now so do I in a way. I've stopped calling myself single and am officially referring to myself as romantically challenged. Romance changes me and love makes me do stupid things. And right now I just need to be me. Only me. 

Although my single lifestyles have many flaws I would never accept during high school and before J, I've found myself happier alone. I miss being in a couple and having someone there but I need to be here for me right now. 

(01/02/2013) WOOOOO crazy New Years, every year my family (mainly my mom) puts together a family/friends party/get together for New Years Day. It's a bunch of fun, but as I get older I find myself a bit sad at this party. Often I try to help my mom out a lot and not really being able to hang out with my friends that come. I'm probably going to be the one who carries out this tradition when my mom hands down her torch. 

I think my one of favorite parts of the party (excuse my conceitedness) is getting compliments from people saying you're such a good helper. But the most rewarding part of it is at the end when my momma thanks me with a kiss on the forehead and a smile.

So for this post I picked "Endlessly" by The Cab it's one of my favorite songs, I heard it on the radio when I was driving on the back roads and it sparked up some memories of me and J. He's not perfect, clearly, but I think he's perfect for me (sober). Drugs aren't what he needs, he needs me; he needs someone to love him for the guy he really is. But there are still two years of no contact so I can only wait and see what happens. Who knows I might meet someone who changes my mind the way J did, or maybe not and I'm gunna end up as the crazy dog lady with a house full of dogs...