Closure?

Today was the last sentencing date for J, and the final call is out. He was sentenced with 6 years in state prison, but then credited 500+ served time cutting it down to 4.5 years. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Hearing him apologized just broke me down, hearing the remorse in his voice healed me, and hearing him break down into tears infront of the whole court drove a truck through my heart. Do I still have underlining feeling for him? Absolutely. I will always have feelings for him and care for him. But at this point I need to move forward alone. I need to become a stronger individual again. But I'm gunna finish that chapter of my life now and become someone who deserves the life that I have been given many times to start fresh and I feel like something has finally clicked.

When I was asked if I wanted to address the court about the impact that December has dealt to me; I was shaking and couldn't seem to form words. After the anxiety faded I shortly regret giving up my right to express what I feel. Cause there's a lot of things I feel about this whole thing. Everyday my emotions are different, there are days I hate J and there are days I can't deny the fact I still love him. There's days I don't want to leave my house, and then there are days I don't want to spend a moment at home. But the main thing I feel is blessed. Blessed to the fact I was strong enough to survive and blessed to have learn such a needed lesson.

Can I officially say that J and I are completely done? No I can't honestly, cause you never truely know who is gunna come into our lives, when they're gunna leave our lives and if they come back after leaving. J has lost contact with me for a whole year prior to us dating, and yet he called. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. If it does it won't be for a few years. At this point, if we do meet paths again we will be completely different people from the people we are today.

Life is all about change. Whether or not we like to admitt that it's true. I believe the meaning of life is not to be successful in the way of money or true love or any of the shit people think. But the changes. The changes and expierences we go through. What information and morals do we take away from the constant change in our lives. I'm not at all close to the person I was in middle school or high school or even last December. To think back to the very beginning of what I can really remember (not much sadly)and see how different my life was back then. The people who have came into my life and sadly fallen out of it. The best friends I had when I was younger don't even talk to me. I feel like everyone leaves your life eventually. Which is kinda a "duh" moment since everyone dies eventually... realist.

I have cheated death twice now, once when I attempted suicide in '08 and in December. I wasn't scared to die though. I was ready. I remember thinking that if that was the last day I live, I would be ok with it. I have loved those close to me and I have felt the love of many. I was at peace with my life, at that moment when I thought what if I really don't make it through this. I never truely thought that J would kill me but more like a car accident during it or something.

Words cannot express the appreciation I have for J's mom, and I wish I could tell her that. She saved my life, and I never got to thank her. Again, I know J couldn't have killed me but if I did what I wanted to do, instead of calling the cops, I could be tied up with meth. I'm thankful I never got addicted to it. I'm not happy with the sacrafice she had to make though. I know that she needed to do the "right" thing to do but to give up her own son took a lot of strength on her part. The damage that his family had to go through must have been a lot harder than whatever I went through.

During court, after the judge had already announced that J wasn't going to get out on probation, the judge decided to wait to finish J's case for another 30 minutes. During that time we went through other cases and one case was a guy who just came back from state prison and faced 11 more years in state prison. He told a story about what he saw in the prison, about two Nortes stab and kill a 60 year old white man. He explained how he had one Norte on each side of his cell and hearing constant threats of death. He explained the fear he had and the seriousness of the prison system. After he was done with his story, I couldn't help but think about J going to state prison and going through similar things.

I don't want to know what he will see in there. I hope that he stays clean in there though. It's still shocks me to hear about some of the prison and jail stories I hear. I have a few friends at school who have been to jail and prison and they tell me all these crazy stories about the other prisoners. I will never expirence that, I'm done with my immpulsive actions.

So did I get my full closure? Probably not.

 

Unexpected Jealousy

I saw one of mine and J's mutural friends the other day and he told me that him and a few more of J's friends were going to go visit him on Tuesday. And the weirdest pain struck through my heart; jealousy. I was jealous that they wanted to go see him, I was jealous they could go see him, I was jealous that they be in contact with him. I told our friend that I wish I could join, but we all know that would be impossible but it's the impossible things we want the most. My heart is still vulnerable to his love, there's no denying that fact, ever. He was everything I ever wanted and we both just let it slip through our hands. he blame is not to be put on me nor J but both of us equally. We BOTH could have done things differently. I could have told J's mom about our using when she first asked about it, instead of lying and possibly losing her trust. He could have been stronger to stay sober and to control his temper. I could have been stronger and said no to using with him. There are many ways everything could have been avoided but all the wrong decisons were made and the worst thing happened when everyone else thought life was good. Our decisions can be altered by many things, love being the strongest.

 

I've been terrified to fall in love with someone again. I'm terrified to be vulnerable. A relationship is the scarrest thing in my life right now. I tried to give my all to J and I lost myself in J. I'm scared to lose the woman I am becoming because I feel like I've finally done it. I'm finally finding me and its the pure happiness me. The one that doesn't need a man in her life to feel happy and loved. My life has been kind of lonely lately just because I'm constantly surrounded with couples. It seems like everyone else has someone else by their side; and then there's me. I'm alone yet I'm not because I have myself. I finally feel strong and I finally feel more independent. I've noticed that my life will go on without J, which maybe shows that he wasn't the one. We all know that once you find the one your life seems to fall apart after they leave; some are to say die of heartbreak with a bond so strong. Was it love or lust with me and J? Maybe, but the connection we had was so amazing that it's hard to explain in words. We clicked so well when we were sober, sometimes we didn't even have to talk about something we would just know. It was a great comfort zone and we were both comforting to each other. I miss those times when it was getting hard when we were there for each other no matter what happened. When we were all we had to fight for, and we would fight for each other over everything else. But things do changes greatly and often. People change, perspectives changes, seasons change, feelings change Everything changes. We cannot avoid the change but we can direct it's direction, we can navagate the change to sructure our own paths, our own routes. We can choose to adapt with the changes, or play the victim and be caught up in the process of change.

 

Life throws us curveballs all the time, the way we handle the stituations and what we take away from the out come and how we precieve it later in life; determines growth and maturity. You don't get mature from hearing stroies from other people about their lives, the best way to learn is from your own mistakes. Life is like a book there are so many different chapters but each have their own lesson but each are not forgotten as you turn to the next chapter, but recreated to retry.

 

Lately I've been annoyed with people who are so quick to judge things as if it's their to judge. I realize that it's human nature to judge but I'm sick of people thinking that I actually care what they think. I know that sounds really bad, but it's true sometimes it's better to just bite your lip. People need to stop judging my life and everything that has happened to me as if they know it from first hand. I know who J was and I know how other people see him to be something he's not. A monster. A criminal. An abuiser. J was a man who cared for me and catered to me. I was spoiled by him, it was the small things he did for me that made me love him the way I did. He made me dinner, lunch, and breakfast. He would buy me things with the little money he ever had. He showed me his world. He shared so many memories with me. I miss everything that we had. But I know we can't ever have it again. I remember when I was still positive that things would work out after all this, but I'm pretty sure there is no future with J and I. No matter how much I wish things could go back to how they were before all the drugs, it was the decision we made together and foolishly.

New School Semester

School is starting tomorrow and it seems like the past few days I have been getting everything together and making some changes. I rearranged my room, I needed a new sense to live in and I love it. Things are starting to look up for me, even though it's getting closer and closer to the next court date for J's case. It's been on the back of my mind but since school is coming I've been a bit more distracted from my thoughts of him and the 30th. I've been spending time at home and with friends who I care about and love, life is seeming to be getting back on track.

My paresnts just bought me a new computer for school and I've been working on getting it set up for myself. Another great distraction. It seems that the days that I am crazy busy are my best days. I get stressed about thingss but I don't think about everything. I get sucked into the present with no time to think about the past or the future. I've been the kind of person who likes to enjoy life day by day. I never like to be too planned out where I can still have some spontaneous moments.

I can't believe that it has been eight months since everything happened. It's weird how all that time can go by yet it's still fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I know that one day it will just be a small memory. Just another story that will disapear, like so many other things that have been hard to bounce back from. Repressing them as much as I can isn't the best way to deal with things but it's been my way of couping forever.

There is no going back to being the person I was before December. I fear to fall in love again. I fear that I will lose my control because of love. I'm so easily blinded by the love of another that I cannot seem to focus on the love from myself. There is no hope for the old me to return just hope that the new me with shape and form into something greater. Sometimes you just need to keep going even when it feels like your feet won't budge.

As the court date creeps up I have friends and loved one's asking me about it and asking if they can come for suppport. I love that they are trying to put in the effort, but bringing up the court date only makes me break down and shut down. I have been focusing on distracting myself to the point where I know its coming but I really don't want to think about it until the day before. It's the only way I can stay sane for the next few days.I am hoping that this will be the last court appearence I will have to make, I hope that the judge will just give J the sentencing and that be it. At this point I don't even care how long he goes to jail or prison I just want this whole court thing to be over.

Every court date that comes around just reminds me about everything every time. I start having dreams of that day and dreams of the good days with J. My patients and understanding of people begins to shift to irritible behavior. Not only do I want this whole thing to just blow over, but I NEED it to be, for my sanity's sake. 

feeling a bit blue

I've been a bit down lately, thinking about things, going back to December. It's been hard to forget everything when I still have undercover feelings for J. It's been hard to move on, I feel like people have forgotten about what happened to me. I don't wanna play the victim but I wish people would just let me take my time getting back on the field. I do want to get back to dating but I really don't know if I can move on right now. This whole thing has taught me that there are some traits that I need to look for in a potential boyfriend that I have been overlooking.


Lately, I've been able to talk about J more and listen to songs that remind me of him without getting upset. It's been helping me heal and cope with things. Been thinking about deleting his sister from facebook not to diss her or anything just because sometimes it just upsets me to see her posts cause it brings back memories I have of J. My memories I have been having lately are just hard, I smile as I think of J and the way things were; but then I have one memory of December come along and BAM! my smile shatters like glass.


I still haven't had the power to delete the pictures of J on my computer and my phone. I've had the power to no longer have him as my background for a few months now; but every once in a while I like to look at those pictures and reminisce.

On another note, job hunting has been stressful. I'll get a call, get an interview, then nothing. It's been annoying to put in all this effort and get a bit of hope then absolutely no progress is made. And on top of my frustration my parents are just adding more and more stress. They think that they are helping telling me all these places that are hiring. I wouldn't mind the help if it wasn't every day and coming from both of them. I know that my parents are only trying to support me and help me with getting back on my feet but sometimes I wish they would be a bit more sensitive towards me.


I do tend to bottle things up and hide my emotions; and I'm not very good at voicing my opinion or feelings. Especially when it's towards someone I care about. Sometimes I let my friends walk all over me, without me voicing anything and I think I need to start working on that because it's hurting me and the relationships I have with them. 

The Confusion of Men

So I've been hanging out with a lot of my COM friends lately and it's been great. There is this one guy that I'm really drawn to, he's a great guy and hanging out with him is amazing with the great talents he has, he's smart, attractive, and a musician. It feels weird having a crush again, getting nervous about asking to hang out; thinking we should hang out with the group to avoid any awkward silences in fear of saying something stupid.

Although, it is nice to have the butterflies back in my stomack and the sweat on my hands when he's around... I'm scared. I don't want to jump start any hopes with him since I don't know him that well. But at the same time I feel like I've known him forever.

I think a big part of what is holding me back from actually trying with this guy is fear of rejection and fear that I won't be able to please him. But like I said before I don't really know him so I'm going to try to get to know him as much as I can before he goes away for the rest of summer. I'm not sure even if he would be accepting to getting to know each other. The great confusion of men continues in my life. Do I take that risk and jump or to I keep it safe and stay on the sidelines of the dating world?

On a totally different note I have quit smoking cigarettes and it has been quite hard. I like to smoke when I'm drinking so I often will buy a pack if I know I will be drinking but on other days I try not to smoke and it feels good. Next thing to do is get back to the gym and I've been trying to get that motivation that I used to have. I don't know what was the cause of that motivation but I hope I find it again soon.



New Me?

I've been going through changes and gaining my self confidence back. It's so weird seeing how differently I feel about everything. I'm starting to get my head leveled and really am focusing on myself. I won't deny the fact that I still have thoughts of J and I, I can't even deny the fact that I still have feelings for the damn guy. But I've come to terms that I will never get to be with him ever again. Even though I've been focusing on me, I've also been having keeping my eye out for potential guys, but I find it hard to trust any of them and I seem to find something "wrong" with them.

On another note, my best friend, S, has been gone for a few weeks and I've been missing her like crazy. I'm trying to keep myself busy with hanging out with my school friends, hanging out at home, and finishing up my community service hours. I had a job interview the other day hoping this one falls through and I'll be a working woman again. Next thing I'm going to start working on is going to the gym more often.

My life is finally starting to get back on track. And I just want to thank everyone, my support group is AMAZING cause god knows that without all of you I wouldn't be here telling my story.

Highly Emotional

I went to a bbq for cinco de mayo after going to the river with some friends, it was fun until my break down. I was socializing with everyone and my friend that I brought was off flirting with this guy Mar. and I guess he was getting tired of people taking his hat, but I wasn't aware so I reached for it and he yelled at me. Now if everything in December didn't happen I'm sure I wouldn't be making such a big deal about it but it was the first time a guy has yelled at me like that since J. I freaked out and my first reaction is get the hell out of there so I grabbed my stuff and stormed off to the car and punched a pole. (I fractured my pinkie) Then after that I cooled down I started crying in the car in front of my friends. 

I've been having a hard time with one of my "best friends" I feel like she just doesn't care anymore. I've been trying really hard to be calm about things but it's starting to really get to me. Whenever I try to get together with her is one lame excuse after another. I don't even know if I can even call her a friend anymore cause it's really starting to feel like she could care less about our friendship. I feel so alone lately, my friends either make excuses not to hang out, are too busy to hang out, or make me feel like shit when we do hang out. It's so hard cause after December we were all so close and now I feel like I losing them.