Starting to Lose it Again

Lately, I've been slowly sinking back into the hole that I've finally gotten out of. I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again and it's because Winter is near. Winter has never been a good time for me, even though Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas are in Winter. Some call it seasonal depression, I call it the season of hell. Yet every year I make it out of Winter alive, ready to greet the New Year. I've gotten better and better at masking my pain, letting people walk all over me, and really questioning things. 

My grandma's health is not well, her kidneys are starting to fail... She will be the first VERY close person to me to pass. I'm not ready for that. I used to think that my grandma was immortal that she was an angel that was sent down into my life. So hearing that she doesn't have much time left isn't something I can comprehend. 

I've been focusing so much on school and getting good grades that I've forgotten to live life as well. Although I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished this year, I find myself still thinking I could have done better. 

I cried today for the first time in a long time. I was starting to think I was finally finding myself and finally doing well, but tonight I just don't feel it. Maybe it's just an off day for me but these kinds of nights are what causes me to stress so much. 

I'm starting to feel more alone than I have ever. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. I "broke up" with one of my "best" friends cause of the person she has changed into. Another friend thinks I'm after her boyfriend's nuts (just for clarification, I'M NOT). I just don't feel like I can rely on anyone but myself these days, and I'm not even the most reliable for myself. So what's the point? Why am I still here? Clearly everyone would be better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm still here to fuck up everyone else's lives so they can feel how I feel. I just don't know anything anymore. I just don't care anymore. I just wish everything and everyone would disappear. I've been wanting to get in my car and just drive away from everything. Run away from my problems cause it's so much easier than dealing with them. 

Alone.

You know I've been trying to play it off as if I'm strong and trying to say I don't need a man and maybe I really don't, but I miss having a boyfriend. I miss having a lover, a best friend, and comfort in one person. I feel like I just don't have any one I can confide in when I'm in a bad mood. I don't have that one person that when I'm in a bad mood or i my funks I can call and feel better after. I remember that all I would need was a phone call or even just a text from J and my bad day would turn good, my overcasted skies turned clear blue. I miss having "another half" to me. It's even harder when 2 of 3 best friends have boyfriends. I've been trying to channel my focus on school, but it's been hard when I meet so many guys at school. It's just frustrating and tiring when it seems like all guys want these days is sex and no strings attached. And I feel like I want strings attached but no sex... no guy would want that.

A long distance relationship/online relationship sounds very appeeling to me lately so I've found a guy that seems like an nice guy. I understand that there are risks involved with online dating, but rigt now I'm willing to tke those risks. I'm not sure if I'm even planning on ever meeting this guy, he lives in Oregon and I live in California so I'm not sure if either of us think that the other is worth that trip yet.

On another note, I've been trying to lose weight and going to the gym as often as I can. I've lost about 20 pounds so far and I feel great about it and I have so much support. My best friend joined the gym and goes with me as often as she can. She pushes me to go hard and I love it, nothing motivates me more than a little bit of competion.

School is suprisingly going well. I'm ahead in my math class, doing well in spanish, and suprisingly keeping up in English.

I've found this year is the year of changes. I've been going through a bunch of changes and pretty much everyone else around me has been going through changes as well.

Miss me?

Curiousity Attacks

I have been talking to my mutural friend with J and he told me that J has been asking about me, like how I'm doing and what I've been up to. It's comforting to know that J still cares about me. My feelings for him have pretty much come back in a full force. And it scares me, I'm vulnerable and I've been looking to find ways on whether or not I can legally contact him yet. I have to do a bunch of legal research cause I'm not gunna risk what he has now to talk to him. But with little research I have already done I think I can, because I believe it was just an emergency protection order that we had which means its lifted after 5 business days. But I'm not sure if there was a paper that I signed saying otherwise. This whole thing has got me confused at this point all I've wanted was a chance to talk to him but now I'm rethinking everything.  

I have to keep moving forward with my life and if that means moving on with someone else so be it, but I'm not going to make that my main focus. My curiousity of what J is thinking and feeling has been killing me ever since our friend told me abou him asking about me. I still have so many unanswered questions. I've answered some of them but most of them I can't.

This is the first time in a really long time, if not ever, that being single sounds good to me. I've always tried to find happiness in a relationship, but I'm finding it in my everyday life.

On a completely random note, I miss my dad. He has been gone for a week or so, on a motorcycle ride. It's funny how when he's home all I wnt is for him to go out and do something but when he's gone its hard. He's the only one who is actually around the house. And he does a lot around the house, guess who gets to take up all his responsiblities when he's gone.... ME. But I'm glad my dad gets to enjoy a trip with his buddies.

Getting There

Hate the World

I'm so done with dealing with the general public. Them running their mouths about the article in the paper about J and December. Calling him a danger for women, and all these judgemental words; when these people don't even know the kind of person J is. The comments of people who don't know J and what they are saying just cuts me down, saying he should be executed and required to wear a sign around his neck saying danger to women. But I'm standing up for what I believe and what I know J is not a monster or an animal, he is simply and man with a drug addiction. I know that if J was sober throughout our relationship we would still be together and December wouldn't have happened.

I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.

Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.

I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!

These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.


Closure?

Today was the last sentencing date for J, and the final call is out. He was sentenced with 6 years in state prison, but then credited 500+ served time cutting it down to 4.5 years. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Hearing him apologized just broke me down, hearing the remorse in his voice healed me, and hearing him break down into tears infront of the whole court drove a truck through my heart. Do I still have underlining feeling for him? Absolutely. I will always have feelings for him and care for him. But at this point I need to move forward alone. I need to become a stronger individual again. But I'm gunna finish that chapter of my life now and become someone who deserves the life that I have been given many times to start fresh and I feel like something has finally clicked.

When I was asked if I wanted to address the court about the impact that December has dealt to me; I was shaking and couldn't seem to form words. After the anxiety faded I shortly regret giving up my right to express what I feel. Cause there's a lot of things I feel about this whole thing. Everyday my emotions are different, there are days I hate J and there are days I can't deny the fact I still love him. There's days I don't want to leave my house, and then there are days I don't want to spend a moment at home. But the main thing I feel is blessed. Blessed to the fact I was strong enough to survive and blessed to have learn such a needed lesson.

Can I officially say that J and I are completely done? No I can't honestly, cause you never truely know who is gunna come into our lives, when they're gunna leave our lives and if they come back after leaving. J has lost contact with me for a whole year prior to us dating, and yet he called. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. If it does it won't be for a few years. At this point, if we do meet paths again we will be completely different people from the people we are today.

Life is all about change. Whether or not we like to admitt that it's true. I believe the meaning of life is not to be successful in the way of money or true love or any of the shit people think. But the changes. The changes and expierences we go through. What information and morals do we take away from the constant change in our lives. I'm not at all close to the person I was in middle school or high school or even last December. To think back to the very beginning of what I can really remember (not much sadly)and see how different my life was back then. The people who have came into my life and sadly fallen out of it. The best friends I had when I was younger don't even talk to me. I feel like everyone leaves your life eventually. Which is kinda a "duh" moment since everyone dies eventually... realist.

I have cheated death twice now, once when I attempted suicide in '08 and in December. I wasn't scared to die though. I was ready. I remember thinking that if that was the last day I live, I would be ok with it. I have loved those close to me and I have felt the love of many. I was at peace with my life, at that moment when I thought what if I really don't make it through this. I never truely thought that J would kill me but more like a car accident during it or something.

Words cannot express the appreciation I have for J's mom, and I wish I could tell her that. She saved my life, and I never got to thank her. Again, I know J couldn't have killed me but if I did what I wanted to do, instead of calling the cops, I could be tied up with meth. I'm thankful I never got addicted to it. I'm not happy with the sacrafice she had to make though. I know that she needed to do the "right" thing to do but to give up her own son took a lot of strength on her part. The damage that his family had to go through must have been a lot harder than whatever I went through.

During court, after the judge had already announced that J wasn't going to get out on probation, the judge decided to wait to finish J's case for another 30 minutes. During that time we went through other cases and one case was a guy who just came back from state prison and faced 11 more years in state prison. He told a story about what he saw in the prison, about two Nortes stab and kill a 60 year old white man. He explained how he had one Norte on each side of his cell and hearing constant threats of death. He explained the fear he had and the seriousness of the prison system. After he was done with his story, I couldn't help but think about J going to state prison and going through similar things.

I don't want to know what he will see in there. I hope that he stays clean in there though. It's still shocks me to hear about some of the prison and jail stories I hear. I have a few friends at school who have been to jail and prison and they tell me all these crazy stories about the other prisoners. I will never expirence that, I'm done with my immpulsive actions.

So did I get my full closure? Probably not.