I'm so done with dealing with the general public. Them running their mouths about the article in the paper about J and December. Calling him a danger for women, and all these judgemental words; when these people don't even know the kind of person J is. The comments of people who don't know J and what they are saying just cuts me down, saying he should be executed and required to wear a sign around his neck saying danger to women. But I'm standing up for what I believe and what I know J is not a monster or an animal, he is simply and man with a drug addiction. I know that if J was sober throughout our relationship we would still be together and December wouldn't have happened.
I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.
Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.
I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!
These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.
I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.
Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.
I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!
These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.
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