Alone.

You know I've been trying to play it off as if I'm strong and trying to say I don't need a man and maybe I really don't, but I miss having a boyfriend. I miss having a lover, a best friend, and comfort in one person. I feel like I just don't have any one I can confide in when I'm in a bad mood. I don't have that one person that when I'm in a bad mood or i my funks I can call and feel better after. I remember that all I would need was a phone call or even just a text from J and my bad day would turn good, my overcasted skies turned clear blue. I miss having "another half" to me. It's even harder when 2 of 3 best friends have boyfriends. I've been trying to channel my focus on school, but it's been hard when I meet so many guys at school. It's just frustrating and tiring when it seems like all guys want these days is sex and no strings attached. And I feel like I want strings attached but no sex... no guy would want that.

A long distance relationship/online relationship sounds very appeeling to me lately so I've found a guy that seems like an nice guy. I understand that there are risks involved with online dating, but rigt now I'm willing to tke those risks. I'm not sure if I'm even planning on ever meeting this guy, he lives in Oregon and I live in California so I'm not sure if either of us think that the other is worth that trip yet.

On another note, I've been trying to lose weight and going to the gym as often as I can. I've lost about 20 pounds so far and I feel great about it and I have so much support. My best friend joined the gym and goes with me as often as she can. She pushes me to go hard and I love it, nothing motivates me more than a little bit of competion.

School is suprisingly going well. I'm ahead in my math class, doing well in spanish, and suprisingly keeping up in English.

I've found this year is the year of changes. I've been going through a bunch of changes and pretty much everyone else around me has been going through changes as well.

Miss me?

Curiousity Attacks

I have been talking to my mutural friend with J and he told me that J has been asking about me, like how I'm doing and what I've been up to. It's comforting to know that J still cares about me. My feelings for him have pretty much come back in a full force. And it scares me, I'm vulnerable and I've been looking to find ways on whether or not I can legally contact him yet. I have to do a bunch of legal research cause I'm not gunna risk what he has now to talk to him. But with little research I have already done I think I can, because I believe it was just an emergency protection order that we had which means its lifted after 5 business days. But I'm not sure if there was a paper that I signed saying otherwise. This whole thing has got me confused at this point all I've wanted was a chance to talk to him but now I'm rethinking everything.  

I have to keep moving forward with my life and if that means moving on with someone else so be it, but I'm not going to make that my main focus. My curiousity of what J is thinking and feeling has been killing me ever since our friend told me abou him asking about me. I still have so many unanswered questions. I've answered some of them but most of them I can't.

This is the first time in a really long time, if not ever, that being single sounds good to me. I've always tried to find happiness in a relationship, but I'm finding it in my everyday life.

On a completely random note, I miss my dad. He has been gone for a week or so, on a motorcycle ride. It's funny how when he's home all I wnt is for him to go out and do something but when he's gone its hard. He's the only one who is actually around the house. And he does a lot around the house, guess who gets to take up all his responsiblities when he's gone.... ME. But I'm glad my dad gets to enjoy a trip with his buddies.

Getting There

Hate the World

I'm so done with dealing with the general public. Them running their mouths about the article in the paper about J and December. Calling him a danger for women, and all these judgemental words; when these people don't even know the kind of person J is. The comments of people who don't know J and what they are saying just cuts me down, saying he should be executed and required to wear a sign around his neck saying danger to women. But I'm standing up for what I believe and what I know J is not a monster or an animal, he is simply and man with a drug addiction. I know that if J was sober throughout our relationship we would still be together and December wouldn't have happened.

I feel like I am placing some guilt on the decision I made when I decided to use with him. When it goes against everything I stand for. I know that meth is a horrible drug and really it wasn't appealing to me but I didn't want J to use it with some other girl behind my back and that was my first mistake. Having those insecurities about his faith and our relationship. I know that J was faithful to me but I wasn't sure how long that would last, and I guess my insecurities got the best of me.

Lately I've been feeling like a lot of people have been avoiding me or just not wanting to hang out with me anymore. But I can't really blame them because since J's sentencing I've been a bit unwell. My emotions have been going off the charts, the waterworks come in all different times of the the day. It's just been so hard to have this cold hard truth thrown in my face so often; J and I will never be able to go back to what we had when he was sober. I don't want to close the book on me and J yet. I do miss everything we had when we were sober and I always will until I find someone else who has that same vibe and spark that J had. I think and hope there are more people like him, if he was ever sober I would have married him if I could have. The goodness in his heart made you want to good, just pray to god you know what s good and what is bad.

I feel like I'm a pregnant women with all the emotions I've been going through. And I feel like my family has no clue what I'm going through. I haven't really been able to tell them what has been going through my head. But that's cause I'm still not sure whats going through it myself. My dad and I just recently had a discussion about a bad decission I made and he just ripped me a new one. He broke me down on a day I thought I was already on rock bottom. And then on top of it he asked me to change my habbits and lifestyle. I feel like my parents don't realize how much I have changed in such a small period of time. It's depressing to think that you're doing so well and finally getting back on track when someone tells you that you're far from it. AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY!

These past couple of days its been rough to feel any kind of motivation. After going through everything with my parents it's just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel so numb. But I know that I have been blessed three time now to live my life and I will live it. I will "fix" my life and do better. My motivation will bounce back. Because this time I'm doing it for me. Some of my friends are wanting me to "get laid" or find a new boyfriend and part of me wishes that too. But I know right now if I really do want to get stronger I need to find my life alone for right now. If I can't even control my life without someone I sure as hell WON'T depend on someone else to anymore. I'm grabbing the wheel and stepping on the gas, driving to where ever and what ever this road of life is taking ME through.


Closure?

Today was the last sentencing date for J, and the final call is out. He was sentenced with 6 years in state prison, but then credited 500+ served time cutting it down to 4.5 years. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Hearing him apologized just broke me down, hearing the remorse in his voice healed me, and hearing him break down into tears infront of the whole court drove a truck through my heart. Do I still have underlining feeling for him? Absolutely. I will always have feelings for him and care for him. But at this point I need to move forward alone. I need to become a stronger individual again. But I'm gunna finish that chapter of my life now and become someone who deserves the life that I have been given many times to start fresh and I feel like something has finally clicked.

When I was asked if I wanted to address the court about the impact that December has dealt to me; I was shaking and couldn't seem to form words. After the anxiety faded I shortly regret giving up my right to express what I feel. Cause there's a lot of things I feel about this whole thing. Everyday my emotions are different, there are days I hate J and there are days I can't deny the fact I still love him. There's days I don't want to leave my house, and then there are days I don't want to spend a moment at home. But the main thing I feel is blessed. Blessed to the fact I was strong enough to survive and blessed to have learn such a needed lesson.

Can I officially say that J and I are completely done? No I can't honestly, cause you never truely know who is gunna come into our lives, when they're gunna leave our lives and if they come back after leaving. J has lost contact with me for a whole year prior to us dating, and yet he called. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. If it does it won't be for a few years. At this point, if we do meet paths again we will be completely different people from the people we are today.

Life is all about change. Whether or not we like to admitt that it's true. I believe the meaning of life is not to be successful in the way of money or true love or any of the shit people think. But the changes. The changes and expierences we go through. What information and morals do we take away from the constant change in our lives. I'm not at all close to the person I was in middle school or high school or even last December. To think back to the very beginning of what I can really remember (not much sadly)and see how different my life was back then. The people who have came into my life and sadly fallen out of it. The best friends I had when I was younger don't even talk to me. I feel like everyone leaves your life eventually. Which is kinda a "duh" moment since everyone dies eventually... realist.

I have cheated death twice now, once when I attempted suicide in '08 and in December. I wasn't scared to die though. I was ready. I remember thinking that if that was the last day I live, I would be ok with it. I have loved those close to me and I have felt the love of many. I was at peace with my life, at that moment when I thought what if I really don't make it through this. I never truely thought that J would kill me but more like a car accident during it or something.

Words cannot express the appreciation I have for J's mom, and I wish I could tell her that. She saved my life, and I never got to thank her. Again, I know J couldn't have killed me but if I did what I wanted to do, instead of calling the cops, I could be tied up with meth. I'm thankful I never got addicted to it. I'm not happy with the sacrafice she had to make though. I know that she needed to do the "right" thing to do but to give up her own son took a lot of strength on her part. The damage that his family had to go through must have been a lot harder than whatever I went through.

During court, after the judge had already announced that J wasn't going to get out on probation, the judge decided to wait to finish J's case for another 30 minutes. During that time we went through other cases and one case was a guy who just came back from state prison and faced 11 more years in state prison. He told a story about what he saw in the prison, about two Nortes stab and kill a 60 year old white man. He explained how he had one Norte on each side of his cell and hearing constant threats of death. He explained the fear he had and the seriousness of the prison system. After he was done with his story, I couldn't help but think about J going to state prison and going through similar things.

I don't want to know what he will see in there. I hope that he stays clean in there though. It's still shocks me to hear about some of the prison and jail stories I hear. I have a few friends at school who have been to jail and prison and they tell me all these crazy stories about the other prisoners. I will never expirence that, I'm done with my immpulsive actions.

So did I get my full closure? Probably not.

 

Unexpected Jealousy

I saw one of mine and J's mutural friends the other day and he told me that him and a few more of J's friends were going to go visit him on Tuesday. And the weirdest pain struck through my heart; jealousy. I was jealous that they wanted to go see him, I was jealous they could go see him, I was jealous that they be in contact with him. I told our friend that I wish I could join, but we all know that would be impossible but it's the impossible things we want the most. My heart is still vulnerable to his love, there's no denying that fact, ever. He was everything I ever wanted and we both just let it slip through our hands. he blame is not to be put on me nor J but both of us equally. We BOTH could have done things differently. I could have told J's mom about our using when she first asked about it, instead of lying and possibly losing her trust. He could have been stronger to stay sober and to control his temper. I could have been stronger and said no to using with him. There are many ways everything could have been avoided but all the wrong decisons were made and the worst thing happened when everyone else thought life was good. Our decisions can be altered by many things, love being the strongest.

 

I've been terrified to fall in love with someone again. I'm terrified to be vulnerable. A relationship is the scarrest thing in my life right now. I tried to give my all to J and I lost myself in J. I'm scared to lose the woman I am becoming because I feel like I've finally done it. I'm finally finding me and its the pure happiness me. The one that doesn't need a man in her life to feel happy and loved. My life has been kind of lonely lately just because I'm constantly surrounded with couples. It seems like everyone else has someone else by their side; and then there's me. I'm alone yet I'm not because I have myself. I finally feel strong and I finally feel more independent. I've noticed that my life will go on without J, which maybe shows that he wasn't the one. We all know that once you find the one your life seems to fall apart after they leave; some are to say die of heartbreak with a bond so strong. Was it love or lust with me and J? Maybe, but the connection we had was so amazing that it's hard to explain in words. We clicked so well when we were sober, sometimes we didn't even have to talk about something we would just know. It was a great comfort zone and we were both comforting to each other. I miss those times when it was getting hard when we were there for each other no matter what happened. When we were all we had to fight for, and we would fight for each other over everything else. But things do changes greatly and often. People change, perspectives changes, seasons change, feelings change Everything changes. We cannot avoid the change but we can direct it's direction, we can navagate the change to sructure our own paths, our own routes. We can choose to adapt with the changes, or play the victim and be caught up in the process of change.

 

Life throws us curveballs all the time, the way we handle the stituations and what we take away from the out come and how we precieve it later in life; determines growth and maturity. You don't get mature from hearing stroies from other people about their lives, the best way to learn is from your own mistakes. Life is like a book there are so many different chapters but each have their own lesson but each are not forgotten as you turn to the next chapter, but recreated to retry.

 

Lately I've been annoyed with people who are so quick to judge things as if it's their to judge. I realize that it's human nature to judge but I'm sick of people thinking that I actually care what they think. I know that sounds really bad, but it's true sometimes it's better to just bite your lip. People need to stop judging my life and everything that has happened to me as if they know it from first hand. I know who J was and I know how other people see him to be something he's not. A monster. A criminal. An abuiser. J was a man who cared for me and catered to me. I was spoiled by him, it was the small things he did for me that made me love him the way I did. He made me dinner, lunch, and breakfast. He would buy me things with the little money he ever had. He showed me his world. He shared so many memories with me. I miss everything that we had. But I know we can't ever have it again. I remember when I was still positive that things would work out after all this, but I'm pretty sure there is no future with J and I. No matter how much I wish things could go back to how they were before all the drugs, it was the decision we made together and foolishly.