Time to move on?

I've been on and off about moving on with a new guy even after everything that I've said and felt. I have been talking to a few guys and starting to form feelings for one, but I'm still not sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to J. I still have feelings for J, but lately it's been so hard not to listen to all the people saying move on. It's been so difficult trying to decide what to do and every time I think about it I say to myself "Just focus on you." But that has been difficult to do when throughout my life my relationship status has been the main focus. I wish I could be one of those girls who really doesn't need or want a man to come into their lives and sweep them off their feet. But the loving touch of a man's rough hands, the chills that run down my back from hearing a man's sexy deep voice, or the just skip of a heartbeat when he flashes that winning smile my way, are all so addicting. 


There's a part of me that is ready to let go of J but there is still a bigger part of me holding onto him. It's been a crazy emotional ride and all I wanna know is when will it be over? I have until mid-April for his sentencing date and I'm getting nervous to hear what will happen. But I want it to come sooner so that I can start writing to him and getting some of my unanswered questions answered. As it gets closer to April I find myself thinking more and more about what I want to do and whether or not I want to talk to J again. It's hard when your heart and mind aren't agreeing. 

Still Struggling

I'm still very confused on what to do with my life and my love life. These past couple of days has been hard. With all the confusion in my mind I've been on my toes and highly emotional. And just to add to my stress things between one of my best friends and me has been different and difficult. It's really hard to keep a calm head when I feel like I'm getting fucked over. I don't know if it was all the Jersey Shore that I've been watching but I really wanted to smack her this morning when I literally felt like she was disrespecting me and talking down to me. I love her to death and we will probably work everything out but it has been really hurting since I've been going through HELL since December. 

I still miss my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) and its been really hard not to think about him lately. I've been in the longest dry spell in my life but I honestly think that he is worth it. Everyone is saying to move on and that I deserve better and all that stuff you tell to people who are hung up. But really no one knows our relationship the way we do and I really don't care what others say about our relationship. Its just me and him. But there are times that I feel like I need to move on, but right now I just need to do me. I need to just focus on my family, school, and my friends, well at least my true friends. 

A Slap of Reality

So a few days ago my father told me he needed to talk to me. And me being me I avoided home as much as I could because I didn't wanna know what he had to say. But I finally caved and sat and had a little chit-chat with him. He made me realize how lost I am; I'm 21 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. He told me that I should spend some time thinking about what I wanna do with my life. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who still isn't even sure if my life is worth living. It's hard to know what I want to do with my life when I don't even want to live it. Sounds really suicidal and what not, but I assure you I've done the suicidal route and its just not my thing. 


Not only did my father want to tell me to figure out what to do with my life but he wanted more information on how I stand with my boyfriend(from the previous post)I found it ironic that my boyfriend got brought up into the conversation because since we started dating he has given me a reason to love life. He gave me happiness on the days I just wanted to break down and cry. He was my support when I needed it. He gave me joy when all I felt was hate from the world. He was my escape from all the bad that goes on in my life. And I was and still am addicted to everything we had. I still don't know what is gunna happen with our relationship or if he still considers us to be in a relationship; and I probably won't know until April when his sentencing hearing is and even then I'm not sure what will be on my mind and what my heart will feel. Right now I miss him every day and I cry every day because I don't get to be in his arms. It's so hard to get up every day knowing its another day I have to go on without seeing or speaking to him. It's been hard to let go so recently I've stopped trying to let go and I've been just letting my heart be consumed with what we had. I love him and I really don't care what other people have to say about our relationship and our pasts. So if you're reading this babe, I love you and screw the world, it's just you and me...

12-17-2011 The Day my life turned into hell

I was in a great relationship with a great guy, who I will be referring to as J; we started dating in September 2011 and he was my best friend. However he was addicted to crystal meth, and I started using with him after a few months of dating. Come the second time we used he abused me... and when the third time came along, he abused me again. But this time we did not make up a phony story to cover up; his mom called the police on him and sent me to the hospital. I had a broken nose and a lot of bruising on my face. This all happened the day before my 21st birthday. My life went from everything I've ever wanted to losing everything. Dealing with the injuries and all the legal aftermath has been causing a lot of stress on my part. But today (2-27-2012) my face is back to normal for the most part but my heart has yet to heal. Losing him that way was so hard because of the great connection we had. People always tell me I deserve better and what not and yes I agree but they don't know my boyfriend and they don't know what we had.  It's hard to explain the way I feel about him and its hard to tell people that I'm not completely over him. We had this connection that is impossible to explain to someone else, I could be myself around him and we never fought (except while using). Our relationship is so hard to move on from because of the lack of closure we had and the reason for our separation was caused by a third party. Due to the charges that the state of California is pressing against him there is a protection order that prohibits us from contacting each other. It's hard to go from hanging out with him every day and talking to him every day to literally not being allowed to talk to him or see him. 


I've been very confused with everything; my heart and my head are not agreeing and it's been hard to deal with. I love him and I miss him every day. People keep telling me that it stops hurting and that I'll move on and soon he will just be another guy, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I've tried to move on since he's been locked up but I found myself thinking about him while I was with the other guy. I find it hard to go to the places where me and my boyfriend went together many times. I've cried almost every day since the day we were pulled apart....