Bit of Happiness

Things between T and I have been a bit rocky, until the other day. We both had profiles on a social network that is like a dating version of facebook. I had a lot of insecurities about what he was doing on it and it caused a lot of fighting between us. But yesterday when I was checking his profile I couldn't find it. Me being me I automatically think he blocked me, but he told me he deleted his profile because of how stressed it makes me. (I deleted mine shortly after)

I'm not sure what this means and where this leads us, but I am a lot happier and it is a big weight off my shoulders. But I'm scared that he thinks I'm pressuring him into a relationship. I don't want him thinking that I'm selfish because I want a relationship with him. It's hard for me not to react the way I do sometimes. I'm scared that I've let him in and I'm vulnerable again.

After J I shut down my heart and feelings to any and all male attention. I swore I was never gunna let my walls down and I wouldn't let any guy in. But after a few months of hanging out with T my walls started cracking, and they are finally down to the point I've let him in. I'm terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm scared to tell him I love him and I keep thinking in my head when to tell him. I say in my head all the time but I'm scared to tell him. I'm scared cause what if he doesn't want me to love him? What if he doesn't love me back? I know he has said it when he was intoxicated a while back. But now when I'm actually in love with him I'm scared to say it. I almost feel guilty for saying it cause I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. 

For this post I decided to pick the song "Distance" by Christina Perri featuring Jason Mraz. T and I have been seeing each other for almost eight months now (that's longer than some of my official relationships). I'm always wondering how long until he will let me in, if he will let me in. I can only stay here waiting, but at least we are moving forward and not apart.